Burner account so I’m not found out…
I (27F) am dating a wonderful guy (27M). We have been going strong for 2 years and he is super dreamy in every way.
I am good friends with a guy from university, let’s call him Dan. I used to be romantically/sexually interested in Dan but nothing came of it. We have the same group of friends, but he lived abroad for the past couple of years so I haven’t seen him in person for a while. Recently, he came back and we all hung out as a group. Now we’ve started hanging out one on one, still just friendly, but catching up on our lives again. I talk about my boyfriend to Dan and how much I love my boyfriend, and Dan has never crossed any boundaries and neither have I.
My boyfriend knows about my old crush on Dan but didn’t really care that I was hanging out with him. However, last night, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate and I accidentally said “Dan” instead of his name. They are similar names and start with the same letter, but regardless, it was pretty clear what I said. I wasn’t even thinking about Dan consciously, but naturally my boyfriend was super upset and walked out of our house, and I haven’t heard from him since.
What should I do? How do I fix this?
TL;DR said the name of a friend/old crush in bed and my boyfriend isn’t speaking to me.
6 comments
Probably shouldn’t be friends with Dan. I don’t think it’s all that appropriate, being you used to have romantic feelings. This has never happened to me, nor my husband.
Having been on both sides of this one over the years, I think your best bet is to continue being a great partner to not-Dan while taking a break from actual-Dan until things settle down. Not-Dan may need some reassurance depending on how bruised his ego is, and all of this might take some time and effort.
A solid regime of cringeing to yourself whenever you remember this moment may help you avoid repeating it in the future. If it doesn’t work out, that’s a very common name so I say exclusively date Dans from here on, and save yourself some trouble.
To be less glib for a moment – you made a minor-in-the-scheme-of-things but painful-in-the-moment mistake and once your dude cools off you should sit him down and talk it through so it doesn’t take on a life of it’s own.
How would you feel – that’s how he feels
you know damn well you shouldnt have continued seeing dan or have been in touch with him in any way , even before this happened. Your bf said he didnt care but, he cares.
From your end it could be a small mistake, however if you see it from your boyfriend’s POV, it will be completely different considering how the events have turned out to be-
You had a crush on Dan > nothing came out of it > he went away > you got in a relationship > Dan came back > you started seeing him one on one > last night happened.
From his perspective it could be that your old feelings are returning for Dan (even though that’s not the case). Here onwards you have to do heavy lifting to ensure that you don’t end up making another mistake that may be seen otherwise. If you want a future with your boyfriend stop seeing Dan one on one and avoid interacting with him as much as possible. You may not have feelings for him but sometimes subconsciously you’re still hung up on your ex and don’t even realise.
Never should have reconnected with Dan or been with him alone.
If your BF didn’t think there would have been cheating cause he trusts and loves you, he definitely doesn’t think that way now. Imagine how you would feel if your BF shouted out a name of an old flame he’s been seeing?
I have never once hung out with anyone that I used to have feelings for, much less alone with them in any fashion. Any and all ex’s were erased from all contacts as soon as we broke up. I never contacted them again. I am not even social with them in group settings. I will be polite if they approach or ask a questions. I’ll answer and then move away. And those were mostly good amicable break ups. After a breakup, unless a kid is involved, there is nothing further to connect us in any type of relationship.
NC with Dan. Public social settings are fine, explain to him that you can no longer hang out with him. Avoid him and speak with other people.