Okay so I am a 23 year old cis guy. Been (somewhat consistently) sexually active for like 2 years now. Never been into hookup culture so only have had sex with my ex and now current partner. I’ve always had anxiety around sex I guess mainly in regards to my performance. Have the standard concerns surrounding my size and longevity (longest I’ve ever lasted is probably like 1 minute tops).
But the thing is that with my current partner I’ve voiced these concerns, love me some communication, and she has reassured me none of that stuff matters to her and I always leave her very satisfied. And I believe her when she says that. For the most part she has alleviated those concerns. Like the negative feelings are simply disappointment when I don’t last as long as I want, but it’s not like extreme embarrassment. But I’m still anxious every time we have sex. So anxious that even the possibility of sex will make me anxious for hours ahead of time. For example she’s coming over tonight for a lil sleepover after I get off work, which is like 5 hours from now, and I’m not anxious about hanging out with her, but I’m anxious about having sex with her.
This was the case in my previous relationship too. And no matter how many positive sexual experiences I have (normally I’m able to power through the anxiety and have a good time) I still get sooooo anxious about it. It’s gotten really frustrating for me because no matter how many times I tell myself it’ll get better with time, it doesn’t. Out of however many sexual experiences I’ve had in the past 2 years I wasn’t anxious going into exactly 1 of them. And I really like my current partner, and want to and enjoy having sex with her, so whyyyy am I still anxious?
I don’t understand what it could be because I genuinely don’t feel anxious about my performance, at least as much as I have previously. And the closest thing I have to any “trauma” (quotes bc I don’t think the term is entirely accurate for me) is my relationship with my ex was pretty toxic and turned into a dead bedroom, but I value sex highly in regard to the intimacy is provides, so there were some times I would force myself to have sex I didn’t /really/ want to have just because I didn’t know when my next chance would be. Don’t know if that makes sense but it just be like that sometimes I guess.
Anyway looking for literally any insight or advice. Just desperately want to have a normal, healthy relationship with sex. So goddamn tired of the anxiety surrounding something I enjoy.