Let me start by saying that I’m not quite sure if I’m asking the correct question, or phrasing it correctly. Basically, I want to know, how did you guys know in general that you wanted a relationship with someone? How are you supposed to feel about a potential partner?
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For some background – I’m 29m and had one long term girlfriend (\~3 years) in college. I don’t even really remember how I felt about her before we started “officially” dating, but I think I did love her and I think she was a good partner during the course of the relationship. For a long time after we broke up my attitude towards dating has been strictly that I’m not interested in having a girlfriend right now.
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More recently, I’ve been thinking that while I’m not specifically looking for a relationship, I’d be open to one if I met someone I really liked. However, I’m nervous/worried/whatever you want to call it that I don’t know how exactly I can tell whether I like someone enough for a relationship.
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I’ve had several casual 1-2 time hookups, some more frequent hookups that lasted a bit longer, some girls who I’ve went on 2nd-3rd dates with, and in all instances except for one girl, I don’t think I had a big emotional interest in anyone. I think pretty much all of these hookups ended with me saying something to the effect of sorry, this isn’t for me. Nothing was majorly wrong with any of the girls looking back, they were good looking, nice, some were very smart, but when push came to shove and I felt like I had to commit one way or the other, I always chose to cut things off.
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There was one girl I met recently who I had a huge crush on from the first time we met. We hung out maybe 3 times total over the course of 4 months but we aren’t really talking anymore. This crush was unlike anything I ever remember feeling for someone besides maybe my long time gf \~10 years ago – I haven’t spoken to her in months but I still can’t stop thinking about her everyday. I realize that it doesn’t make any sense, I barely know her, and if I did get to know her more, its probably more likely than not that I wouldn’t be crushing so hard on her anymore.
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So I guess what I’m asking is – how do you know you want a relationship with someone? How are you supposed to be feeling about a potential partner? I think I’ve had a good amount of experience but do I need to meet more people? It doesn’t seem realistic to have to have a huge crush on every potential relationship partner considering that I’ve had a grand total of one crush in the last almost 10 years? But it also seems strange to me to go into a committed long term relationship with someone that you don’t feel strongly about? Does anyone have any experience/advice with this? Does what I’m asking make sense? Please let me know if I can clear anything up.
2 comments
Just commenting because I was wondering a similar thing when I came here.
How to know you love.someone or just desire them? Or, do you love them enough to really try a long term history with them?
I’m scared of just desiring them or just wanting to hang along and they are wanting something way more long term like to me
You’re old enough to start looking longer term. Younger men are primarily motivated by sex. Women used to demand relationships in exchange for sex and that was the main reason for guys to be in them. These days the relationship is now optional so many guys don’t need to be in them to get sex.
But longer term, there are other benefits to a relationship besides sex. It’s a powerful joining of two people. You can raise kids. You can build each other up. You are stronger together than you are individually.
Once you have some idea of why you would even want a relationship, then it becomes easier to choose who you should be in a relationship with. Eg if you want kids, then you want to find someone who would be a good mother. If you want a life partner then you want someone who shared your values on money, morality, religion, health, etc.
But if you don’t really have any goals, then you might as well just stay out of a relationship and focus on sex if you can.