This is my first Reddit post. Is this like Dear Abby? I need advice on a “situation”.
My husband and I have been married 20 years. We have four kids ranging in age from 11-16. My husband is wonderful in most ways, but he has a long-standing personal habit that I find appalling, but that I’ve never been able to convince him to change. So I’ve had to accept it.
However, this past week, in our 21st year of marriage, the sh\*\* has hit the proverbial fan and we are at an impass. He’s angry. I’m angry. We stalk the house in stony silence. It’s astounding that something as simple as a clogged toilet can make two people so upset at one another. The battle lines have been drawn and a standoff has commenced. Do I raise the white flag of surrender? Call in reinforcements? Prepare a nuclear option?
**My philosophy:**If you poop and it clogs the toilet, you should use the plunger to clear the clog before anyone else has the opportunity to experience your poop with their five senses.
**His philosophy:**When you poop and it clogs the toilet, rather than using the plunger to clear the clog, you should leave the poop to “stew”. He believes that letting it marinate will eventually break up the poop and dissolve the toilet paper and when you come back later, you’ll be able to flush the toilet without needing to use the plunger. For him, the plunger is a last resort.
He has a poor sense of smell and I don’t think he realizes how bad his poop smells or how long the smell lingers and disseminates into other areas of the house during its marination procedure. Our plumbing is not fragile. It heartily withstands the vigors of the plunger. So I use the plunger. He marinates poo.
I tried a few times in the early years of our marriage to communicate to him how unpalatable and unsexy this is, that it bothers me personally, that it stinks up our house, and that it’s embarrassing when guests come over and observe one of his poops in our bathroom.
I tried to explain how difficult it was to potty train toddlers with the additional complication of an unexpectedly clogged toilet that needed to be plunged before a desperate toddler could use it. Or if they, with toddler-level judgement and command of bowels, decided to use it even though it was clogged. But he dug into his position more firmly. So I eventually took an “agree to disagree” posture, relinquished all hope of improving his character in this matter, and maintained a positive attitude by focusing on his good qualities, of which there really are many.
Hence, I am the Poop Fairy at our house. I am swift, efficient – skilled at unclogging the most irredeemably congested toilets. I have become intimately acquainted with my husband’s most disgusting bowel movements. I try not to think about such monstrosities when I see his naked hairy backside. I wonder if he should shower before we make love? My nose wonders about these things during intimate moments together. I want to be free; my nose, with its sage and venerable wisdom earned through harsh years of experience, urges caution. My husband is inflexible. He is a man who knows about toilets. He has little empathy for people who don’t understand about such things. He must be respected. I remain silent, yet I also remain cheerful. Poop is disgusting, but it has a funny side, no? Therefore, for 20 years, I laugh at poo and I love my husband. To remain married, one must forgive and learn to compromise.
However, this past Valentine’s Day we erupted into a Vesuvius-level screaming match. I will explain. After a pleasant dinner, during which everyone was happy, he left a particularly sinister and voluminous poo to simmer in our main floor bathroom, which has a much-too-close proximity to our kitchen. One of my kids made the grisly discovery and came out into the living room to tell me the toilet was clogged (which is what I have instructed them to do over the years), and I rose to address it. My husband claimed responsibility for the poop and announced that he was stewing it via his usual technique and that it wasn’t “done”.
I told him (in a light-hearted, teasing tone) that that was gross and that I was going to plunge and flush it. The kids piped up and agreed with me that poop is gross and it should be plunged and flushed. They don’t love encounters with the contents of my husband’s bowels any more than I do. He got angry and demanded that I leave it to simmer.
I did the unthinkable: I brazenly plunged the toilet against his wishes. He stormed upstairs.
I came up to bed a little while later and he screamed in my face for a few minutes before I finally lost it and screamed back at him, after which he stomped off to douse the flames of his anger with a few glasses of whiskey and sleep somewhere other than beside his insubordinate wife.
As my heart rate gradually subsided over the next few minutes, I considered how he might have felt being teased by his whole family for something he takes very seriously. After all, while poop may be funny, a man’s skill and knowledge of toilets is no laughing matter. I also felt ashamed for losing my temper, so I apologized to him (within the hour) for screaming at him, and for razzing him about the poop in front of the kids, which had encouraged them to join in. He hasn’t apologized for anything and wants me to further apologize for being disrespectful and defiant, to agree to submit to his poop-stewing in our home, and confess to the kids that he is right and I am wrong.
He wants to teach our kids to use his method and for me to support that. But I think his technique is very inconsiderate of anyone who has to share a house with him (also rather unwise for husbands who value carefree intimate relations with wives) and I think it’s actually very important to instruct our kids in ***my*** methods as it will help them be considerate roommates, guests, and lovers in the future. I can accept his telling the kids about his views on toilet clogs, and I can accept that he clogs toilets and that my destiny for possibly the rest of my life is to unclog them. But I feel I must be free to disagree with him, free to deal with poop in my home in my own way, and free to communicate my alternative techniques with the kids – preferably without him becoming enraged and screaming at me.
**Advice needed: Should I capitulate and apologize for defying him and plunging the toilet? Or should I stand my ground and tell him that I will continue to unclog toilets in my house as I discover them, and will continue to teach the kids that they should also? What other input/advice can you offer? See any acceptable compromises or negotiations that could lead to restoration of marital bliss?**
36 comments
Tell him that that’s fucking disgusting.
Your ability to describe things is actually god tier and now certain images are just seared in my mind so thanks for that…
I mean, sounds like a pretty normal petty argument.
However, much like with all petty arguments that blow up, I would guess that you’re not arguing over the thing you think you’re arguing about.
Usually there’s is something sitting beneath the surface which has manifested itself into the real world bearing the guise of ‘petty’. Maybe your husband wants more control? Or maybe he feels another way?
Best thing to do, is talk and if you can’t find a civil way of doing that go for professional help.
Anyway that’s just my take, hope you figure it out.
How often do you have to unclog your toilet? That should not have to be a common occurrence. Your husband is absolutely disgusting.
Feed him more fiber,
Stand your grounds. He wants you to tell your kids that he’s right. that’s crazy.
Where is this comes from? Why does he put so much energy in this? is he controlling? He wants to be in this situation.
For me, I couldn’t stand it. You clog it, you clear it has been the rule in our house. But if you choose to plunge the toilet that a GROWN MAN is too fragile to admit is disgusting, then he needs to accept it.
The way you write is entertaining. The situation is not.
This has to be a writing exercise …
>Should I capitulate and apologize for defying him and plunging the toilet?
Absolutely fucking not.
Your husband is wrong about “stewing” the poo. If it’s clogged, it has to be plunged to push the clog past the bends.
It is also extremely unhealthy to allow feces to sit and “marinate”. I am surprised y’all haven’t gotten I’ll from this disgusting habit of his.
does letting it marinate not leave shit stains in the bowl? This is disgusting on so many levels. I have a poor sense of smell and I still wouldn’t leave it to marinate
He absolutely must be the one who immediately plunge the toilet once he’s blocked it.
He also should eat more fiber and push those fluids.
I mean, your husband is fkn gross.
Does he leave the shit around his arsehole to dry and turn into dust, with toilet paper being the last resort?
If he’s blocking the toilets at home, is he doing the same at work? Does he tell them to not unclog it?
Fabric softener can help clear it too. but, if you did that, your husband will think his method worked.
He should have to shit outside like a Neanderthal. Goddamn animal. Every aspect of this post made me dislike him.
If he goes to flush it, it will overflow and make a huge nasty mess. The clog is down usually in the bend. Where the hell did he get this idea that poop will break down just sitting in the bowl from? Has he tried to flush after letting it sit? No one wants to smell his or anyone else’s shit. It’s nasty.
To keep the peace….
I would apologize like this: “I’m sorry I upset you”
(This is how you have a long marriage.)
Then, don’t announce it, but just keep plunging.
(Long time married person here…)
Show him this post so he can see how many people think that is the grossest shit I’ve ever heard. Idk where he learned it but he should know better. Also if it’s something you can tease him about and he gets embarrassed then he probably shouldn’t be doing it.
Wtf are you doing with this nasty man? Honestly, just show him these comments. He’s definitely old enough to realize how fucking disgusting he has been acting. leaving poo for hours in a toilet and screaming in your face because you had to clean his mess are both deal breakers. He literally abused you because you plunged his poop. It’s pathetic.
Your husband is disgusting.
Is toilet-clogging this regular of an occurrence? Wow… you have nothing to apologize for.
First off something is wrong with your husband’s stomach. No one should be clogging a toilet 24 times a year.
Poo Pouri and at toilet snake!!
He is unbalanced and disgusting. And he also sounds mean. I personally would fight him all the way.
Did this guy pass grade 1 science about the physics of how you have to stir the water to get something to dissolve?
And the kindergarten lesson about how to respectfully disagree without bullying the other person into submission?
1) You’re an incredible writer. Have you ever thought about becoming an author? You certainly have the command of the language to do so.
2) He’s absolutely wrong about this issue, and I’m even more concerned that he screams at you and stomps off to shoot whiskey over his own disgusting habits. The fact that you deal with this, what, once or twice a month, so you’re cleaning HIS MESS at least 24 times a year, and he still has the audacity to scream at you and *you apologize*? Wild, I tell you. He has a gem of a wife and doesn’t even appreciate it. Where can the romance be when you’re dealing with his *marinations*?
And for the record, I’m married too, so this isn’t some idealistic single viewpoint. My husband has never once screamed in my face or expected me to deal with his bathroom messes.
Your husband is disrespectful and controlling. He is one person. If everyone else in the house is saying something is gross and he’s the only one saying it’s not then guess what? He’s wrong. And he’s disrespectful as hell to you and your kids for not allowing continuing to be disgusting, but also for behaving like a tyrant when everyone is expressing their discomfort.
For me this is a situation where I would be saying that we can be married but have separate houses. It’s unfair that you have been dealing with this for so long.
This is the nastiest shit I’ve ever heard and grounds for divorce
So you want to end up living with 4 people who clog toilets? Do you want your kids to behave like with with their future partners?
Stop apologizing! You should have NEVER apologized. He screamed at you. He clogs toilets and you have to go around fixing them.
Set up ONE bathroom that’s your bathroom. Then never clean or unclog any other fucking toilet. Now toilets are his responsibility. Let them get clogged, dirty, full of poor. I don’t care if your kids complain, they can go complain to him.
Um no fucking way. Don’t apologise. I can say this would 100% be a dealbreaker for me. Your husband is a pig.
Ewww. I would not have married such a disgusting man.
Also, he sounds like a selfish, arrogant and sexist pig. What redeeming qualities could he possibly possess??? Don’t put up with his shit – or his bullshit.
Do not EVER cave on this. His poop stews are DISGUSTING and HE is wrong!!!
If he leaves it, you’ll clean it.
To me it sounds like his whole “stew” thing is just laziness.
It’s incredibly disgusting, unapologetically selfish to others, and disrespectful.
INFO: do you have more than one toilet in the house?
If so, he gets one – ONE – and the rest of the fam gets the other/s. We’ll see how much he loves his stewing technique when he’s the one who actually has to deal with the consequences.
OP, also, someone needs to tell your husband that a difference of opinion is not disrespect – and that, even if it WAS, it’s his (and everyone’s) right to *have* stupid opinions that everyone needs to respect, not the stupid opinions themselves.
Show him how to post in reddit and ask to show r/plumbing his “method” – maybe he’ll take advice from plumbers?
Stand your ground. Clear the poo!
The most concerning thing for me in this story is that he says it’s “ disrespectful “ of you. Wtf? Like you should always concede to him? Why? Because he’s the man ? A difference of opinion isn’t disrespectful, the fact he wants everyone to discover and see his poo is actually disrespectful to everyone. I would not let go of this, he can sleep elsewhere until he cleans up his act. Because he’s disgusting
That is absolutely revolting and sickening. How you have 4 kids with this man is hard for me to wrap my mind around. That would completely turn me off from him and would also cause me to lose respect for him. No one needs to be dealing with anyone else’s literal shit besides a mother and her diaper aged child, medical professionals, and plumbers. I refuse to scrub my husbands poo stain out of the toilet bowl because it is disgusting and he understands that, and cleans his own mess. This grown man is willingly allowing you to smell, see, plunge and clean his huge complete shit out of a toilet. Where did he think it was going? Now he wants to throw a fit because you don’t want his shit marinating in the toilet to make everyone in the house suffer? It’s unhealthy, rancid, nasty behavior. Who raised this man? He doesn’t respect you. Stop cleaning up his shit and set some hard boundaries down. It’s not a laughable thing and it’s not cute to be your husbands personal “poo fairy”.
He’s disgusting. I’d dump someone over that shit. What a selfish asshole
Poop knife
What a selfish and disgusting man. He stinks the house because he doesn’t want to use a plunger and nobody can use the toilet in hours?! And clogging the toilet 1 – 2 times the months?! My SO and i are both 41 and never clogged a toilet.
Maybe he should learn “big poop – flush between” or just use a fucking plunger.
His ego-trip that it is about the children…. Yes, will be so great if you children move out in their own apartment, have some boy or girl over and then poop-stink! “Oh, don’t worry, there is just a big fat shit in my toilet that i let marinate!” There will just be some dust of this girl/boy.