My bf listens to everything his mom says

6 comments

1. >I get the feeling he cant form his own opinions and I am scared what this effect will be for in the future.

   This sounds very accurate. As for what to do next, it sounds like you need to decide if you get married, do you want to also be married to his mother? These patterns seldom change.

2. This is like, maximum level mama’s boy issues. You’re in a throuple with this dude and his mother.

   He’s aware of your concerns, so what’s he doing about this? He needs to take concrete steps and have a plan for how he’s going to unravel himself from this state of being enmeshed. TBH that’s probably gonna require some serous therapy on his part.

   If being in a throuple with some older lady who has absolutely no sense of boundaries or respect for her kid’s autonomy sounds like a good time, keep on going. But I think it’s wiser to walk from this. The likelihood of him fundamentally changing is low.

3. * I am not sure on how this will be if we will get married later and have kids*

   If you want to be sure about your concerns, Op, I strongly suggest you ask your future mother-in-law.

   She is the one who is controlling this relationship.

4. >He himself told me that he doesn’t really care about the answers, but that these are very important for his mother
   >
   >he said that he cant drive his mom car because his mom is scared that something will happen to him. However, he wants to take the car but is scared to argue with his mom
   >
   >he is also very scared things might happen to his mom (she cant walk back home in the dark, scared on what will happen if he moved out..)
   >
   >he said that he does not want to move out right now because his mom “is not ready yet”

   I feel sorry for him because his mother wasn’t and isn’t a good parent. The job of a parent is to teach the child how to survive in the world when they’re gone. She’s actively prevented him from going out into the world and leaving the nest, and she raised someone who is afraid of rocking the boat and overly solicitous of her feelings. (I’m guessing the dad isn’t in the picture and she has turned her son into a partner of sorts.) But in any case, this dynamic is deeply, deeply engrained. I’d bet money that she’ll never be ready for him to leave, and he won’t change unless/until his mother dies.

5. You aren’t dating him, you are dating his mom.

   He asks you questions she wants answers to. He gives you gifts she chooses. He does exactly what she tells him to do, and does not do anything she doesn’t want him to do.

   He’s TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD and she’s told him he has to keep living with her, *and he has meekly agreed.*

   He’s not an adult. He is a 26-year-old boy, still asking mommy for permission because she knows exactly how to manipulate him into doing exactly what she wants.

   He will probably never get out from under her thumb because she’s convinced him that he can’t function without her, and she can’t function without him.

   >I get the feeling that he can not form his own opinions on things and that everything he does/says is in approval of his mom.

   You are completely correct.

   >i also think this is something i can not change as his mom is very attached to him.

   Again, completely correct.

   Any time you try to assert yourself, or try to convince him to make decisions without consulting his mom, he (and she) will twist that into you disliking her, or disrespecting her.

   He would probably need a great therapist to get him to understand why he should become independent from his mother . . . but his mother probably would tell him it was a bad idea.

   Don’t marry him.

6. He’s a Momma’s boy. His mom will always come first. You will never be the first priority. He will drop everything to do with you if he mother says so.