TLDR; My wife and I drastically changed our lives so she could leave her abusive boyfriend. After a year she went back to him and now wants me to pretend everything in ok.
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Two years ago my mom came to me hysterical, saying that her boyfriend of 8 years has been abusing her for their entire relationship. I’d had my suspicions, but the straw that broke the camels back was her best friend threatened to tell me about the abuse if she didn’t. In tears she told me about the years of physical and emotional abuse. Putting her head through the drywall and knocking her out, having the police come on several occasions and screaming horrible things at her everyday. Telling her that he knew how to game the system because he’d been arrested for domestic violence before. Then buying gifts for my young son to make up for it, knowing how important my son is to her because my son is her only grandchild. He’d financially manipulate her too because in the 20 years since my parents divorced she constantly struggled and was getting too old and injured to do manual labor jobs and she didn’t have to work because he could support them both.
I was enraged and wanted to do bad things, but decided that I didn’t want my son to see me in prison, so I swallowed it and did nothing. My wife and I rearranged our lives and our small home so that she could move in with us. She lived with us for a year and it was a little tense between my mom and wife but pretty good all things considered.
Then she told me that she wanted to move back in with him. She said he’d changed his meds and gone to therapy. She also said the abuse really wasn’t that bad. So I asked her “Are you lying to me now or were you lying to me before?” She didn’t respond. I told her that she’s an adult and free to do what she wants. But that I didn’t want anything to do with him and I didn’t want my 6 year old son around him. My mom comes over to visit me and my son at our house but I haven’t had contact with him since I found out about the abuse. So far thing have been going fine.
Next weekend we’re having a small family reunion at my grandfather’s apartment. Tonight I get this text.
” Is there any way you and *(my wife)* can sit down and talk to *(her boyfriend*). My heart aches that (*my son*) can’t be here at Grandma’s. (*her boyfriend*) is such a different person now not on those fucking meds. I’m so happy now. And with my health issues and my age I want to make as many memories as I can with (*my son*). I can’t stop thinking about it. (*my grandfather*) has asked (*her boyfriend*) to be at the party on sat. I don’t want you not to come because (*her boyfriend*) will be there, everybody is looking forward to seeing you (*my wife*) and (*my son*) and (*her boyfriend*) also. Please think about it. I need this so much in my life.
Love Mom ”
I feel like she’s trying to manipulate me (again) and I don’t want to pretend that I’m ok with the situation and even though she swears up and down that her boyfriend never abused her in front of my son I still don’t want my son around him. I don’t know what to say to her, I just want to tell her “No”.
1 comment
I say stick to your guns. Your mom needs therapy and a support group – because who in their right mind happily goes back to someone that abused them for 8 years? She’s a victim and needs to get out of that cycle.
I doubt the abuser hs changed that quickly. And even if he has, you’re under no obligation to be around him. AND even IF you forgave him in your heart, that doesn’t mean you have to trust him with your son. I mean, he could hurt your son, he could make him think abuse is normal, etc.
Your mom is unfortunately not in a position to make good decisions. So as the parent of your child, it’s up to you to protect him from someone as awful as this bf.