I’m 18m and I’m a university student in the UK. I live in student accommodation and 8 of us share a flat, 5 girls and 3 boys. I get along with everyone usually. Im gay which everyone knows. It’s never been an issue at uni before now.
One of my housemates “Pete” is 23m (we’re in the same year at uni but he didn’t start right away after school). We always got along okay but he’s not someone I’d normally be friends with. He’s a stereotypical rugby lad from a rich family basically. He’s always seemed very straight and he can be a bit homophobic but he says it’s a joke.
A few weekends ago, I went out with most of my housemates but I didn’t get into the club we were going to because the doorman thought I was too drunk. I don’t actually think I was that bad and I wasn’t blackout or anything but I decided to just go home. Pete said he’d go with me which I found strange because he’s not normally considerate. When we got back we stayed up for a bit and he ended up kissing me and wanting to have sex which was totally out of the blue as I thought he was straight. It was definitely him that started it and he was coming on quite strong but I did fully consent to it to be clear. I wish I hadn’t though because it was a bad experience. I’m not very experienced and I don’t usually hook up (id rather be in a relationship). I’m also not really attracted to him. I just liked him as a friend. The sex was really bad, he was too rough and ar one point it hurt so much I seriously felt like passing out. He didn’t hurt me on purpose, he just didn’t know what he was doing and he didn’t listen when I told him. It was still bad though and I regretted it. Right after he said not to tell anyone which was fine with me.
I thought we’d pretend it didn’t happen but since then he’s been really mean to me. He’s rude and makes horrible jokes about me and then says he’s just messing around. He always did this but it’s 10 times worse now. He also keeps doing really hurtful “pranks”. For example we each have a post tray and he keeps filling mine with leaflets about s/h and s\*\*cide and STI clinics and things like that so it looks like i ordered them. I was cooking a frozen meal in the oven and went back to my room and he took it out of the oven and put it back in right at the end of the cooking time so when I took it out it was still fully frozen and needed around another 40 minutes (I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal but I’m type 1 diabetic and meal times are important, i didn’t have anything else to eat and I felt very ill). He sent a video to another housemate of him messing around with my toothbrush and putting it down the back of his jeans like he was rubbing it on his ass. I don’t know if he actually did it and the other housemate told me but it’s still gross. There’s other stuff too. He also tried to kiss me again one other time when he was drunk but I told him to f\*\*k off and I locked myself in my room and he didn’t mention it again. It might sound dramatic but I don’t feel safe in the flat anymore and I dread seeing him because he’s always so rude to me.
I tried asking him why hes doing this but he said I was imagining it and I was pathetic and I needed to get over it. I think he’s worried I have feelings for him but I really don’t. I actually wasn’t attracted to him even before all this happened and I’m definitely not now. Other people are starting to notice what he’s doing and asking me why and I don’t know what to say. I know he doesn’t want me to tell anyone and I don’t want to either. I actually feel quite ashamed that it happened. I don’t know if he’s being horrible because he’s worried ill tell but I really won’t.
I don’t know what to do? Maybe he’ll ease off if i give it time but I don’t know. I’m quite miserable in the flat now but I don’t have anywhere else to go. I don’t get along with my family and I don’t have much money. I don’t really want to move out because I was actually happy here before this. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone because they might find out what happened. I tried talking to Pete directly but it didn’t work. What do I do?
Tl, dr: I slept with my “straight” housemate and now he’s bullying me and I don’t know what to do.
4 comments
> He didn’t hurt me on purpose, he just didn’t know what he was doing and he didn’t listen when I told him
Um, yes, yes he did hurt you on purpose. He didn’t listen when you told him, ie he ignored you and thus did it on purpose.
As for the rest he probably feels shame and rather than process that feeling, he’s taking it out on you. So this won’t let up until he does, and since any thought of it probably makes him feel shame, you trying to talk to him about it will just make it worse. You can try empathy, whenever he’s mean, you can try to let it go knowing it’s just a reflection of how bad he feels about himself. You can try shaming him, that when he’s shitty just say to him you know he’s just doing this because he’s gay and can’t come to terms with it so he’s taking his frustration out on you. That way he might associate picking on you with admitting he’s gay, so it might make him think twice. You can try scaring him, that if he doesn’t stop you’ll tell the whole flat what happened. Or tell one person in the house who’s noticed how mean he’s being just so you don’t feel alone and isolated. Having someone else see it and recognize it as shitty, can help a lot. You can also look into moving to another flat. I get you were happy there but you aren’t any more. And unless something happens to drastically impact him, his behavior isn’t going to change anytime soon.
Anyway, each options has pros and cons, so you’d have to figure out which option fits your circumstances best. Sorry he’s being such a jerk.
Call out the behaviour in front of others. From what you say about him, maybe he’s the type who thinks this is banter (I had a colleague who did this mercilessly for years) or a kind of affectionate teasing, so he needs to be told very clearly that you’re experiencing it as bullying and hurtful, and that it’s not OK with you. You don’t have to disclose the hookup.
One thing you could do is tell him that if he doesn’t leave you alone, you’ll tell everyone about the night you shared together.
You have ammunition here. There’s a chance that he’d suddenly figure out exactly what you meant by “why are you doing this”, and fuck off.
At the same time, I genuinely worry that doing this could make an erratic, aggressive, potentially sadistic man either call your bluff – or lash out violently.
Moving out may be the safest option. I’m sorry.
OP I’m worried about your safety. Closeted gay/bi homophobes like him can get violent and his bullying sounds like it has a lot of aggression attached.
Given how he came home with you when he saw you were too drunk to enter the pub, he also sounds predatory and rapey. The part about not listening when you told him he was hurting you… OP it sounds like he assaulted you.
Youre not attracted to him and you don’t like ONS. It really does not sound like something you would consent to if sober. You don’t have to put a label on what happened, but you might find it helpful to talk to the confidential helpline at galop about what happened and how you feel https://galop.org.uk/get-help/helplines/
– I think you should talk to people in charge of accom at your uni about the situation.
– You don’t have to disclose the unwanted sex but you can say you believe he is motivated by his attitude to your sexuality and that you fear for your physical safety
– remember having him moved out could also be an option
– also talk to your student counselling service about being bullied
– if your uni has LGBTI+ support contact them as well
– do not confront him and avoid being alone with him
– finally, are there any flatmates you can trust? Maybe a couple of the girls? Having someone to watch your back would be invaluable