Tl;Dr he wants me to come visit him to date him, but refuses to come to me until our relationship gets more serious
I met “Dan” while traveling. He is in grad school in Seattle, and I live in Miami and work remotely. We really clicked and I went to Seattle on 2 separate trips to date him, for 2 weeks each. Altogether, we’ve been dating for 2 months (partially remotely and partially in person) and he recently asked me to be his “official” girlfriend. When we are together, he treats me like a princess and is super romantic — gifts, fancy dinners, compliments etc. He frequently tells me how much he likes and cares about me. However, he won’t come to Miami to visit me or date me — he wants me to make all the trips to come to him. He said his school schedule is rough, and he won’t come until our relationship gets more serious. I understand that my schedule is more flexible, but I’d like him to at least come for a weekend to show that he cares and is as invested in me as I am in him. He refuses to even come during his spring break. Am I being unreasonable?
3 comments
Could money be an issue? That in combination with a busy school schedule could be a reason
That’s not how long distance works. Both you and him need to put in effort and find a reasonable compromise that works for both of you.
If that means you have to visit him more because of his school schedule and you have more flexibility, then maybe he should be paying for half of those flights since he is never making the trip out. If he actually said he isn’t going to visit you until it’s serious, ask him why he expects you to do that when it’s not serious right now.
I’ve been doing long distance with my boyfriend for 2 years (ending very soon!) and it took healthy communication and an understanding of visiting each other fairly. When one of us needed to go more to visit we understood that and tried to make it up to the other. My boyfriend was able to work remotely more than I could, so he would come visit me for longer stretches of time.
Grad school is like drowning. During my masters program i had major multiple breakdowns about the workload and I’m academically talented. I graduated at the top of my undergrad class with only moderate effort and my graduate level programs still felt insane.
For him to take time off during the semester or even spend time traveling/breaking his focus like that, he would be risking a lot. It would be a significant burden. I absolutely would not travel anywhere during the semester in grad school. Its way more feasible for you to go to him so he can stay in his routine and not fall behind. It just is.
I would honestly fully understand him not wanting to do that at all during grad school.
If thats a dealbreaker for you, thats a dealbreaker and you are more than free to leave the relationship and not feel badly about it.
It sounds like hes making a ton of effort to devote time and energy to you in the ways that he is able, but if thats not working for you, thats not working for you.