Hi! I am 31f and my boyfriend is 35m. His friend (fake name Anna) is also 31. My boyfriend and I have been together since last summer. I’ll try to break down my thoughts, sorry if it’s rambly…
My boyfriend has a small circle of close friends, which consists of 4-5 childhood friends who are all male and then there’s Anna (not a childhood friend; they met a few years ago through other friends or something, not entirely clear). She seems to be the only female friend he has and she is also his *best* friend. He knows more people of course, but considers them more acquaintances. I’ve met Anna only once so far at a Christmas market and we didn’t really get the chance to talk much. My boyfriend said I could meet his male friends later on (hasn’t happened yet), but because she’s his most important friend (his words), he wanted her to be the first friend of his I meet. Anna has a boyfriend too and my boyfriend has met him several times and they get along well. The three of them even had a whatsapp group chat and my boyfriend added me when I found out about it (I didn’t ask to be added), but ever since I was added, there doesn’t seem to be much going on in the chat
Anna is pretty much the only friend he actively meets. He always says his male friends are too busy or their schedules don’t match up, so they only meet a few times a year. But to me, it seems like he puts in way more effort in meeting up with her than he does with his male friends.
They phone quite a lot (she usually calls him) and he always picks up whenever she calls, no matter what time it is or if we’re busy doing something else. Once (at the beginning of our relationship), he even abruptly hung up on me because she was calling him. I got very upset (similar behaviour to my ex who cheated) and after I told him that it had upset me, he realized it wasn’t cool to hang up on me like that. He hasn’t done that since and when she calls, he’ll say it’s her, he doesn’t lie and say “it’s a friend/work” or anything. However, it’s happened a few times that I’ve tried to call him and he doesn’t pick up and instead texts me that he doesn’t have time to phone due to work or other circumstances. But the next day or the day after, I find out that he actually only didn’t have time to talk to *me*, because he did have time to talk to *Anna* (I don’t snoop or anything, he usually let’s something slip)…
At the beginning of the week, my boyfriend went to the annual carnival and told me he would be going with a large group of people, including her. I asked if I could come and he said he didn’t think it was a good idea, because I would feel out of place, not really knowing anyone except him. So I didn’t go. I asked him to send pictures of the parade, which he did, but he also sent a selfie of the two of them. The photo could have *easily* been mistaken as a couple’s photo. It was just the two of them on the photo, despite what he said about going with a large group and they were wearing the same costume (not a couple’s costume, but they were both wearing the same harlequin costume). This bothered me, because he never mentioned they would be wearing matching costumes, but especially because he told me not to come because it was a “large group” while it actually looked more like they were hanging out on their own… He wasn’t drunk btw, neither of them drink alcohol. I don’t understand why he sent me the photo of the two of them without any further comment like “Anna says hi”, instead of sending a photo of the “large group” he was supposedly hanging with…
We had also originally planned on going to London together for a few days before my new job starts in March and I had suggested some dates in February. My boyfriend agreed on the last set of dates, but when I told him a few days later that I would book the flights, he suddenly told me he had plans to go to the above mentioned carnival, so we would have to take a flight a day later. Except there were no good flights on that day, so I didn’t bother anymore. Now I’m wondering if going to the carnival with Anna was more important to him than going on an agreed upon holiday with me…
He never lies about talking to her on the phone or meeting her (although it seems he may omit), but I just get weird vibes from the whole thing. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid because my ex cheated on me with his neighbour who was also “just a good friend”. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about Anna before (not the carnival thing though, that just happened recently) and he swears there’s never been anything between them and he’s not attracted to her (it doesn’t help that she’s conventionally very attractive) and that she has a boyfriend. But I still can’t shake the feeling that something’s off, like that he wishes I were more like her or something…
So after trying multiple times to reach him the past two days, he finally picked up the phone this morning (seemed reluctant) and I asked if everything was alright. He said yes, but seemed cold/distant. I asked if I could come over tonight, but he said he had invited a (male) friend over to cook and hang out. So I asked what he was doing tomorrow (Saturday). Then he mentioned that the three of them (him, Anna and her boyfriend) had sort of made plans to have dinner at a restaurant on Saturday. He asked if I wanted to come and I said I guess I could, but I asked why he hadn’t asked about my availablity *before* setting a date. To which he replied he had only spoken and made plans with Anna *yesterday* (so when he told me he didn’t have time to talk to me on the phone) and he thought I was going to be visiting my parents this weekend anyway (I had mentioned something, but it wasn’t definitive). So it just leaves me with the feeling that he decided to make plans with them this weekend because he specifically assumed I wouldn’t be available to join (especially because he then said “Anna asked if you wanted to join”, so it wasn’t even his idea to ask me).
I don’t have a problem with him having female friends in general (I also have male friends), but his friendship with her just seems different… Am I imagining things? Any advice on how I should approach this? He seems to get quite defensive when I bring it up.
**TLDR**: My boyfriend has a female best friend and he seems to prioritize her, which makes me feel insecure.
(Edited some formatting)
2 comments
I think you’re majorly overreacting, probably due to being cheated on in the past. Nothing you describe here is a red flag. To me, nothing even sends weird vibes. He’s very open about his friendship with Anna, even adds you to group chats because he wants to involve you even though you never asked for it.
The examples you give are also pretty weird in my opinion. He’s visiting carnival, you tell him to send pictures and then you get upset because there are not enough people in the picture? And that makes you jump to the conclusion, that he lied to you and there is no group whatsoever? That’s quite the stretch, don’t you think?
You tell him you might visit your parents over the weekend, so he makes other plans not including you. Then you get upset because he chose to go to dinner with his best friend AND her boyfriend(!!). And the first thing he does, after hearing that you don’t visit your parents, is asking if you want to join. And then you get upset because he said “Anna asked”. Did you consider the possibility that Anna likes you and he wants you to like her to, so he explicitly voices that Anna also wants to spend time with you?
He’s not hiding anything, he’s very open about his friendship. The phone thing wasn’t cool, but you complained, he listened and tries to change. Isn’t that a good thing?
Then the London situation. I obviously don’t know him, but to me it sounds like he was just mixing things up or maybe he thought booking a flight a day later wouldn’t be such a struggle. I don’t see any malevolence here.
I think you have trust issues due to your past relationship and you’re projecting a lot of them onto him. Ask yourself this: What would need to change for you to not be insecure anymore?
There are some big red flags here where it’s obvious that he prioritizes his relationship with Anna in concerning ways
1. He interrupts his conversations with you to talk to her. If you are call with anyone, you don’t interrupt the conversation to take another call unless you think it’s an emergency and that’s not the case here.
2. He actively discouraged you from going to the carnival and to dinner. You were only invited because Anna asked for you. Your boyfriend didn’t want you there.
I don’t think Anna considers him more than a friend but your boyfriend has a major crush on her. If she ever becomes single he will dump you to try and get with her.