Married for 12 years, together for 17.
In the first year of and very much a couple and really good sex life, wife then girlfriend at the time had a date and then we both went out with her friends afterwards.
Having a really good night and I have to leave earlier than them because I had to work the next morning. Check with the girlfriend to make sure she will be ok and she was because she was with her friends and go home.
Come round next day I see her and she hugs me crying saying she was attacked and raped, I question her and she tells me she was attacked walking to her car in the dark and the attacker runs off once he is done and she couldn’t tell who it was.
I comfort her and do everything a good boyfriend would do at the time and question her friends who were with her and try to help the best I can. Over the years I sympathise and check in on her when ever the subject comes up and make sure she’s ok.
12 years of marriage and 3 children later, we get talking late one night and I ask her if she remembers anything else that happened at the time that may have led up to it and she tells me that there isn’t anything that she could remember but will try to and let me know if she does.
Couple nights later we are sitting on the lounge and she is quieter than usual. I ask “you’ve remembered something haven’t you?”
She starts crying and tells me that night her friends got her really drunk and she went home with a guy who worked in a shop close to hers and they fucked all night and she walked to a friends house after. When she saw me the next day she panicked and came up with the rape story and had blocked the night out of her mind and made herself believe the story.
I asked if that was the only time and she swears it is and that is why she never gets drunk anymore.
I tell her that I forgive her because all this time she has been an amazing wife and mother.
Ever since she told me months ago it has dug in my mind and don’t know what to feel. I feel myself being less attracted to her and sex isn’t the same. I already knew she had a past before we dated but it’s different on this.
I don’t know if I should bring it up again because it was yesterday’s issue not today or tomorrow’s, or what I want out of talking about it. I don’t want to leave, our marriage is still really good but there is still a lot of anger there.
46 comments
She made you feel the pain of her getting raped when she actually willingly fucked a stranger the entire night, and she let you feel like this for more than a decade and had children with you, I don’t know what to say man.. I’m sure I wouldn’t recover from that :/
I’m not sure I could come back from that.
>it has dug in my mind and I don’t what to feel
Two main things happened here: the cheating and the lying. Ask yourself, are you upset by both? Or one but not but not the other?
Anger at what specifically? Her choosing to reveal the truth? Her not being the person you thought she was? At the relationship not being what you thought it was?
r/relationship_advice
I’m sorry, but lying about being raped is complete scum behaviour in my book. It is a serious crime which causes a lot of pain and it should not be used as a get out of jail free card for cheating. Shit like this makes it harder for real victims to be believed.
I don’t envy you OP. I’m not married but I would definitely be a lot more angry about lying (esp the story used to lie to gain sympathy instead of being accountable) than cheating. It would be worth getting counselling, but I could not remain married to someone who lied like that.
Edit: typo.
Fuck, that just sucks, dude. Like, really sucks, that’s a mind-fuck that almost no one would “just get over in a minute”. Honestly, I would strongly advise you to get therapy here. There’s no way that this isn’t going to just be a whole load of shit to unpack and rewind and reassess and then to take careful stock about just how you want to move forward.
But aside from that – and again, I cannot recommend finding a good therapist highly enough – don’t make a rash decision here. Take your time, and work it out and get to a place that’s healthy for you.
Yeah, people do come back from infidelity and lying, and move forwards. It takes time, and commitment, and patience, and effort, and a whole load of other stuff. But it’s not given, and you owe it to yourself to get the support you need to work through this mountain of shit she just hit you with. Good luck, sorry this happened to you mate.
Damn I have no advise. Just offering some support. This is a difficult situation. Posting it here will bring a lot of “leave her”, “she was drunj so no consent possible”, etc. Everything is so black if white on here but it’s the grey area that are hard to maneuver. This is why you may need professional help at this point. Get it now… Don’t wait as your emotions will just grow and take over your relationship.
Action is needed now.
that’s just a disgusting thing to lie about, she made you believe for years that she was violated when in reality she just cheated on you… i just wouldn’t be able to look the same at this kind of liar
She robbed you of your ability to make the choice to leave her or stay after she cheated. She also made crazy ass accusations of rape… That kind of dishonesty doesn’t just stop there.
I would never be able to trust them again. I am a very forgiving person… I would forgive her since she’s the mother of your children and just move on with your life.
If you can’t talk about this now, it’ll never get easier .. even if you talk about it… it may make you dislike her even more.
The one thing I do know is you absolutely have to discuss this until your questions are answered
Edit:
I’m sure she also made you at least accidentally feel guilty for leaving early that night. I’m sure you’ve thought a thousand times “ if I had only been there, it wouldn’t have happened”
So she not only took away your ability to choose to stay in a relationship and work on it, but she put you in an eternal position to feel guilty about leaving to go to bed that night.
Horrible situation this one. I’d have to leave, lying about being raped is fucked, actually cheating is fucked, letting you believe a lie for a decade is fucked.
Jesus, this is heavy stuff. Hope you make the right decision for yourself, follow your heart
Firstly I’d like to say I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this trauma. But the act of lying about being raped as a cover story for unfaithfulness is nothing short of unforgiving, I’m sure although she’s assured you nothing else has happened can you really believe that?
Every time you’ve consoled her on this subject, all of that feeling of guilt from your part feeling you’ve failed as protector has all been a lie. I’m sorry but it’s a deal breaker.
That’s awful, and you have every right to feel angry. You can and should bring it up again, probably with the help of a therapist. With three kids and an otherwise good marriage I’d definitely try to recover and find a way to move on from this together. I don’t think you can do that be just trying to forget the whole thing though.
If you want to stay in the marriage, I would recommend therapy. It can be very helpful in moving on.
It’s totally a “today’s” issue. Her behavior today isn’t an issue, but her former choices and the pain you are feeling today are the issue that you have to figure out. Please bring it up with her, with therapists, or with whoever else is in your support net.
Re: what you want out of talking about it. It might be enough to state that you are still angry, still processing these new facts, and that you need help with that.
I couldn’t deal with that amount betrayal. And the years and years of lying and manipulating. I’d have to leave
Her lies are why many victims (myself included) never report. I was called a liar by my counselor the first time (I was 9) and the second time I knew better than to tell anyone.
What would she have done if you pushed the issue and insisted she report it or go after the guy? Would she have ruined his life so she wouldn’t suffer the consequences of her actions? I have no advice, I’m sorry, I am enraged and disgusted by her lies.
OP this is a real shitty situation you find your self in and I’m really sorry that this happened to you and I hope you are ok.
First up, there is no reason you need to make a snap decision here…. In fact I’d strongly advise against making any decision right now outside of going to see a psychologist. You need to work through have you feel about things first.
Secondly, lots of people make really bad decisions, but also, people change.. irrespective of what happens you both need to go to some form a couples therapy and discuss your feelings.
Good luck to you and your wife as well – this isn’t going to be easy but real closure on this will only come through working it together.
Man, my heart goes out to you. Not only because of the situation, but because you handled it like a caring, loving husband. Not only after the pretend rape, but even once you learned the truth.
It would be a deal breaker for me personally, but it sounds like you are at least willing to give it a chance since she has been great in other ways and seems to have legitimate regret. I think you two should go to counseling and see if you can work on it. Wishing you all the best and that you find happiness again.
Dump your wife but then get with her sister, seeing as you’ve wanked over her doppelganger lol
https://old.reddit.com/r/chubby/comments/ypp6y0/fancy_a_quick_tit_fuck_before_work/ivld4jf/?context=3
Wait, so she cheated on you early on, and her friends knew this whole time? I mean they must have, right?
How does one come back from that? I’m sure she’s relieved that she no longer needs to lie but here you are now having to carry this new burden of knowledge on your shoulders?
This isn’t right. I do hope that you are able to navigate this.
Edit: spelling
A very big significant factor if your relationship has been built off a lie. She created a false narrative that is very dangerous and kept it to herself until she thought it was enough time that hopefully you’d just forgive her. This is very manipulative and personally that’s something I could never get over. Whether you stay with her or not, make sure your children are always going to be good, but consider your happiness and well-being just as much. If it’s affecting your sex life and attraction to her, this may never change. You could try therapy and see how far that gets you. I’m really sorry this happened.
Man, she really robbed you of your happiness for the rest of your life with her. You seem to be a genuinely good
guy, but the trust she broke will define your marriage from that point on. You really need counseling, or the resentment will build on.
OP, did she actually say “we fucked all night”?
Cheating on your partner is bad enough but creating a massive decade long lie about you getting assaulted and raped? That’s despicable, if you can look past this and move forward then you’re a bigger man than me. My only wish is that you and your kids will be ok.
Edit:SP
I do not recommend staying married to her, I personally would divorce her, my trust would be absolutely destroyed and I would never look at her the same way again
That was fk up, girl have been lying for years and tell you like nothing happen.
I could probably forgive my wife if I found out that she cheated while we were dating. But I’m not sure I could forgive her if she had lied about being raped. That’s a whole different level.
How old are you? 40s?
3 possible timelines:
1. You’ll stay with her and try your best to forget this whole thing. Live the rest of your life and think about it from time to time until you’re on your death bed. Why? Because you don’t have another woman to be with. You’ll keep f’ng your wife thinking she f’ed willingly another man a decade ago and lied about it. That is if you can even get it up with that thought.
2. Stay with her. Forget her cheating. Therapy.
3. You’ll pickup your balls. Leave her. Find another wife who won’t lie or cheat on you for any reason.
It was her problem all these years. Now that she told you, it’s your problem. Your wife is a special kind of egotistical woman.
C’mon man, listen to your heart. This level of betrayal is way over the line. What kind of example are you setting for your kids?
I consider myself and even pride myself of being an exceptionally patient and forgiving person.
That would not apply in this situation.
You’re much more calm. I would have already packed a bag and been out, with contact only pertaining to the kids.
That is a betrayal on so many levels. Particularly that she cheated, lied for so long, used a horrific crime that makes it harder for real victims to get justice, and made you go through the heartbreak of seeing a loved one get “hurt.”
Fuck your wife OP. I hope you find peace.
Lying about that is batshit insane. Especially for 12 years. Is the type of person who would do that who you want to be with? Like I can’t really stress enough how fucked that is.
The crazy part of it is that she got away with lying about getting raped.
Who else knows she was ‘raped’?
Police report, rape kit, etc. Didn’t want to go through all that since the rape was a lie.
Did the wife’s friends knew she was getting pounded by another man all night?
What kind of friends get you totally drunk then leave you alone to go fk another man? Weren’t her girl friends supposed to drive her home? Totally drunk usually means near unconscious.
The relationship is over..sorry. I wouldn’t be able recover from that.
I couldn’t imagine staying with her after this. Some people could forgive cheating but I couldn’t even after all that time you have together. She robbed you of the choice 17 years ago and now you’re shackled to her by marriage and kids. Remember your kids are your most important priority l, not her. Try therapy but that probably won’t work so keep a good divorce lawyer on standby just in case.
Remember that even if the infidelity didn’t happen recently, if you just find out about it then your brain responds as if it just happened. You will need time to heal and process, and if you want to stay with her she’ll need to respect that you need this time. After you take time to process you may want to leave for good – but definitely allow yourself that time to sort it out without her input.
Therapy could be a great option if you do choose to stay- both couples therapy and individual. Good luck to you and remember to be gentle with yourself! Even if it happened 10+ years ago you’re allowed to take the time to process it now since you’re just finding out.
Im sorry you had to believe that your wife was raped for over a decade must be why you were still asking after 12 years
You’re allowed to be upset dude, you can’t necessarily dictate how something like that is going to make you feel. All I know is that you’ve got quite a catch for her to voluntarily come out and be honest with you and it sounds like she’s one of the rare cases that deserves a chance if you can figure out a way to give it to her.
For you it happened a few months ago. Not 12 years ago.
Wait, so her friends probably know she cheated and never said anything. They’re all shitty
“her friends got her really drunk.” Classic deflection.
I empathize with the wife. She was raped. When you drink that much you are not in control of yourself and can not consent. That guy she spent the night with totally took advantage of her. She has spent the last 12 years proving that she is a loyal wife and not a cheater. A cheater is someone who is in total control of themselves and actively makes the decision to go out to cheat knowing full well what they are doing. OP please change your perspective. She never cheated on you, she was takin advantage of and needs your love and support now more then ever.
The cheating pre-marriage doesnt really seem the be THE ISSUE for most people here. I think most, while hurtful, could handle their SO, who wasn’t forced for any reason…saying “hey one time while dating I did this. I never said anything because xxxxx”. It sucks yes, but its straight forward, and unless she was confronted, there would have been no manipulation…which is the key here
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This one is completely different because of manipulation. Manipulation of the truth when it happened, manipulation of your emotions for her to receive sympathy for her wrong doings, the manipulation knowing for a decade your SO has a SA history and could be triggered, when the only thing that could be triggered is desire for a sidepiece.
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And then when this is a decade old and we can look back and be “adults” she is still manipulating every part of it to make herself the victim. What else is she manipulating you on?
I think you have one simple conversation: to your wife:
“You are not the victim, I am. You manipulated me for over a decade emotionally, physically, and sexually. I can forgive you for cheating, that’s not the issue…its the manipulation that you let me live with a false lie, and then today you still do not take ownership. I have zero trust in you and no relationship works with zero trust. I have no solutions going forward.”
Its raw, its real, its scary. IF she loves you, and you are meant to be, she can pick up the pieces from there. This is all assuming you want the door left open.
“I asked if that was the only time and she swears it is and that is why she never gets drunk anymore. I tell her that I forgive her because all this time she has been an amazing wife and mother.” …. Well as you stated you believe her and she has not done anything but show you love and loyalty for 12 years of marriage. Your time line states this happened about 16 years ago and that she has not drank since then so I would say she has done about everything she could do to save your relationship? Yes except for one big thing, she lied and hid the truth for 16 years. I would say I would not, if she were my wife, not seek a divorce or separation, but what you both need to do is MC and you definitely need one on one time with a therapist to help you process what you have just learned. For her she may also need it also, she has probably been punishing herself all these years and living with this horrible secret she has been hiding from you. Good luck and I would not let this destroy what you have described as a truly wonderful marriage of 12 years.
An intoxicated person can’t give informed consent. As a sober person, she clearly didn’t want to have had sex. Which all means, she really was violated. Just because it wasn’t violent or involve physical force doesn’t mean it was consensual or what she actually wanted. And it sounds like it truly traumatized her. Blocking out her own memory and stopping drinking to keep herself safe.
Things have swung around to where she’s blaming herself, but she’s still a victim. It’s common for victims to eventually blame themself as they actually process their trauma. Part of the healing process that they have to overcome. As others have said, the two of you should seek out therapy.
Your wife was drunk. She couldn’t consent. It is rape. She blocked it out of her mind and never drank again because she was traumatized.
As fucked up as this story is, she was actually raped because an intoxicated person cannot consent.