So he’s mentioned to me a few times in our relationship that the idea of me using him for my pleasure while he sleeps is a big turn on. I’ve woken him up from sleep a couple times to do sexy stuff but he always wakes up almost immediately. Tonight he didn’t. I took his boxers off, gave him head till he got hard enough, and then got on top. He stayed asleep the whole time. I tried to grab his chest, touch his face, kiss him to wake him up but he didn’t react. And it made me feel really gross, like I was taking advantage of him. I guess it’s hard for me to believe he was actually asleep through the whole thing so I don’t understand why he wasn’t interacting with me. Maybe he was asleep but if was actually sleep then i felt like i was violating him. I had to stop. I’ll talk to him about it in the morning but I’m not feeling great right now.
26 comments
The thing you need to remember about sleepsex is that it’s two peoples boundaries that need to be considered.
His AND yours.
As far as he is concerned, he’s consented to this. Explicitly ASKED for it.
You tried it, and realised you don’t like it.
There are just two questions to ask yourself here,
a) is there ANY way you can imagine for this to work, if done differently?
and if the answer there is yes,
b) have you taken enough precautions there to avoid feeling the same about it, or do you need to think it through one more round still?
Maybe there is a way. Maybe there isn’t. And if there is, don’t risk fooling yourself. Think it through properly.
My husband has asked me to do this as well if I’m horny and can’t sleep. He’s super hard to wake up so if whatever I’m doing doesn’t wake him I immediately stop before I go to far because it just doesn’t feel right. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel, maybe he has a easier way you can wake him.
Some people can sleep through anything.
If you had consent, it’s cool.
Relax. Have a relaxed conversation.
Move on.
Considering he asked and explicitly consented to this. I wouldn’t get too upset.
Some people are very into sleep sex.
He may have been pretending to sleep because it’s part of his kink.
I guess you’ll know tomorrow when you talk to him though.
As someone who likes to be woken up to sex and sleeps through literally everything … my partner just usually won’t go past rubbing/ grinding me from behind while we cuddle if I don’t wake up. However this is boundary we have discussed that we don’t want to go past.
He’s a light sleeper so I never have the issue of him sleeping through.
Feel free to update us tomorrow !
It’s okay if you don’t like but he did consent
I’d still talk about y’all’s experiences with it and what moving forward looks like
You didn’t do anything wrong. He said it would be okay. So you have nothing to feel bad about. (Even if it was a surprise, I would have liked it, but I would have woken up.)
That’s ur time to get urs !! He’s not tripping .. Us men will never feel taken advantage of. That was ur chance to be selfish and he ur rocks off
I can’t see much wrong with your instincts erring on the side of consent. If it felt wrong to you, that’s a perfectly OK reason in the moment. You can always re-talk it out with him and he can re-remind that he consents pre-emptively. You could also work out a safeword and tap-out touch that he could use if he ever woke up and wanted to stop, so you know that’s another layer of safety and consent as insurance.
It’s possible he did wake up and was pretending to be “asleep” as part of a roleplay. If so, the fun of it could include zero pressure to perform in any way, like feeling no pressure to moan a certain way, just enjoying feeling you on him and experiencing you doing what feels good for you. That can be freeing sometimes, for folks who enjoy it. And or it’s possible he just was just sleeping the sleep of the underworld, that happens sometimes.
Anyway, you can reassure your instincts that he definitely pre-consents and try again with this reminders and the safe word in your back pocket mentally.
Technically yes, you were raping him because his consent is non valid given the state of awareness. So i have nothing more to add without opening the pandora box about the legal definition of rape.
As someone who also likes being fucked awake in a “consensual non-consent” way, sometimes I pretend to be asleep even when I know what’s happening… Just for the fantasy of it. Could be that your guy was just vibing with his kink and pretending to be comatose haha.
That said, it’s not just about his desires, it’s about how it makes you feel to fulfil those desires as well. Just be open and kind and tell him what happened, and how it made you feel. It’ll be ok!
he consented, probably transferred to a dream of anything hopefully, if not, sit and talk about it but sounds like something he wanted you to do.
He consented to this and even asked for it. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel bad about. Maybe he just was in a deeper sleep this time.
That being said, it’s okay for you not to be in sex when he isn’t waking up or reacting. Your boundaries have to be respected too.
He did consent to it, and if he woke up and pretended to be asleep, that was his kink. He would probably want to watch videos of you blowing and riding his sleeping body.
HOWEVER, you hit a consent issue for you! It didn’t feel right to you, and so you stopped, which was the right thing to do.
Keep talking about this with him. Maybe it may start feeling better for you, or maybe not. Don’t do it if it feels totally bad.
The best type of guy, one that’s hard and doesn’t talk.
Little jealous of your man tbh
Lol I’d be stoked if I gave permission, you did it and told me about it the next day. Don’t feel bad
You sure he was asleep? I mean, really sure? Wasn’t he just pretending to be asleep and playing a joke on you? Did he come? It’s a blaster to wake up orgasming. Just relax. You did nothing wrong. Take it easy. Speak to him. Enjoy your relation. Be happy.
If you are uncomfortable with it then don’t proceed. He’s given your consent but consent doesn’t mean you ‘must’, it simply means that you ‘may’.
This is CNC because he can’t consent in the moment but has consented beforehand and the person who is awake can get some serious ‘rapist’ vibes that are hard to process alone. Please discuss these thoughts and feelings with him and get the care and comfort you need. Also be aware of the fact that some of these thoughts and feelings may persist into the future so you may need care and comfort past your initial discussion and he should be 100% there to provide that for you.
You may have done the physical act but he is the one ultimately responsible for these negative feelings and it is 100% on him to help and support you while you navigate them in a healthy manner.
The care and comfort you receive could very well help the two of you build a significantly closer bond and level of trust; CNC easily became my most highly regarded sex act because of it. Your feelings may change towards performing it in the future based on your increased level of trust so be vocal with him if you consider the possibility of trying it again in the future. It’s ok to try again if or when you are ever ready.
You can Google ‘sub-drop’ for more information about these feelings and how to navigate them. Best of luck to the both of you!
Trust me he was not asleep, just enjoying the process.
As a man, I can tell you with full confidence that there was zero way he was “asleep” lol. Unless *maybe* he was on some heavy af drugs. Sometimes I get hard in the middle of the night for no reason and, many tiems I wake up from just that. My guess is that he was very awake but was living out his fantasy or something by pretending to be asleep. Either way, I wouldn’t feel bad. You guys talked about it and he consented to you doing this so it’s not like you crossed any boundaries. Though I can see how it would feel weird fucking someone who is basically just a body lol
Told my wife the same thing. Anytime. Anyway. Anything. Until my death. Lol. I don’t think you have any reason to feel guilty.
Trust me he was awake. No fuckin man anywhere on this rock is going to sleep through a bj, none. And if they say they have they are full of shit or heavily sedated.
He gave you consent. Pretty much asked you to have sex with him while he was sleeping.
By the time you were giving him head, he was only pretending to be asleep (unless he was heavily medicated).
You should definitely check in with him. But you probably played into his fantasy as much as your own.
Haven’t met a guy that doesn’t like waking up to their partner pleasuring them …
If it makes you feel uncomfortable communicate with him or at the very least confirm with him that your not over stepping boundaries.
I’m a guy, and would be very much supportive of my partner doing this. The reason it excites me (I didn’t say turns me on because presumably I won’t remember) is that I could be involved in your pleasure in a way that is not selfish. Like fundamentally not selfish. Sure I could go down on you while awake, or use toys, etc. but guaranteed I’m enjoying that as much as you are. I’m hard most of the night anyway, I think.
I wouldn’t be upset to wake up in the middle. There’s no better way to wake up. If I didn’t wake up and you told me about it in the morning it would excite me to know you got off with me in the night. There’s really no downside for me.
I’ll try to understand your perspective. If you wake up horny in the middle of the night, he’s hard already, or gets hard while still asleep, and you begin…
… it could be you feed off his pleasure, or the mutual connection is necessary for you, and if he doesn’t wake up it doesn’t work for you. That’s ok, you can stop and go back to sleep, all is well. He gave explicit permission, you haven’t violated him in any way. You’re just disappointed that this time he didn’t wake up.
… it could be you’re just horny, and you use him as a fuck doll. Maybe you’d prefer he wake up and participate, but ok if not. You get off and tell him about it in the morning. If I were him I’d be thrilled to hear about it. I love to hear about my partner masturbating without me. I love to know that she has sexual motivations that don’t involve pleasing me. All the better if I’m involved in some way.
He was…up.