Just for some background details, I have been dating (25F) this guy (33M) for 7+ months, sort of long distance but not really, I live in Jersey & they live in NY. We see each other maybe once or twice a month because “he’s very busy with work” from like a Saturday-Sunday schedule (not enough but whatever). Chemistry is there, sex is good, & he’ll discuss the future with us quite often.
He did mention on the first date in which we both agreed that, we were ready for a relationship. I want to say within the first month of us dating, they informed they usually need 3 months before committing (completely understandable). Then 3 months come and go, 6 months come and go, & now it’s month 7 & no relationship.
I’ve brought it up various times & as you can guess there was no outcome from the conversation. As of recently, when I asked about it again, it was as if they were annoyed that I was even asking again.
So yeah, I want to hear from you guys from outside looking in, what seems to be the issue?
Thanks in advance xx
24 comments
>We see each other maybe once or twice a month
This. How can you expect commitment or deep feelings unless you spend a lot of time physically together? You’re barely friends. I think there’s a study that says you need to spend like a thousand hours together for something deeper to develop.
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Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free
He’s getting what he needs from what you’re giving him.
I don’t know what that is, since you didn’t elaborate; sex, companionship, distraction. Something.
It’s time for you to decide if your needs are being met, or if things are likely to progress to the point where they are.
If not, I would suggest it is time for you to move on.
Women control access to dating, men access to commitment. A man is no more obligated to give commitment to someone he’s dating than a woman is obligated to go on a date with anyone who asks.
As for your situation, you see each other infrequently, and you’re giving him sex without the commitment already. If he’s satisfied with how things are currently, then he likely sees no reason to change the situation.
It’s perfectly fine for a woman to not have sex without some form of commitment first.
The distance and the lack of time you spend together sadly
He doesn’t want to commit to you, that much is clear. You need to know why? I would be done from that knowledge alone (if I wanted a relationship).
You’re in a situationship. If being in a committed relationship is important, communicate that to them one last time. If they don’t want to commit, it’s time to quit. You deserve someone who REALLY is ready for a relationship
They are getting what they need here. They don’t need more. If you are cool with that, continue. If not, move on.
I’m not trying to be a dick or mean, but if YOU want something serious with someone why are you wasting your time asking and asking someone why they don’t wanna commit to you?
Y’all see each other once or twice a month? That’s 14 times in 7months. That’s it, y’all have see each other 14 times. He doesn’t make time for you or for this to grow into something deeper. He got annoyed that you brought it up again.
I’m sorry but what exactly are you getting out of this benefits thing?
He hasn’t committed to you, he hasn’t given you any more of his time in 7 months and you still want to try with him?
He just doesn’t see you as the one to be in a relationship with. It’s really that simple it could be for any number of things. Different views different lifestyles looks money red flags etc. everybody has they’re own dealbreakers when it comes to keeping somebody as FWB rather than a committed relationship. There is also the possibility there is other women he doesn’t want to let go of or attachment issues but according to the fact that he communicated that he wants a relationship I doubt it attachment issues. But still a possibility he just said that because it sounded right.
My first impression is that he likes the relationship the way it’s been so far. I know a guy can say something like I love you just to have sex with someone, so I hope he wasn’t lying to you in the beginning. Or maybe he was serious at the time but then changed his mind later as a routine he liked set in. Either way, I hope you do what’s best for you
Options open
Have you at all been to his place? Like, impromptu? Otherwise, sounds like he might have another gf tbh.
He likes fucking you.
He doesn’t like you that much. There’s really nothing else to say.
Take it from someone who got burned recently, I was seeing someone for about 3 months before she finally admitted one morning she was keeping options opened, my situation is a bit different but still the same because technically we weren’t official either but treated as a couple still.
My advice, ask for exclusiveness one more time, heart to heart, if the answer is anything but yes, I would cut my losses.
Reason I say that is because I didnt, they told me (like this guy is telling you) I need about 3 months, well 3 months came and they were window shopping while we were basically a couple and I saw this person a lot more than you did.
I don’t want you to get hurt the way I did, so honestly have the heart to heart and see what they say. It’s up to you truly
Ever thought about him having a wife or gf in the city and you are just a side piece?
-you’re not hot enough
-not enough time together
-not enough acts of service (men are suckers for this, do you do girl stuff when u go to his place?)
Could be a million things. Also, he’s 33. He’s been around. When he was 25 he probably would’ve felt like you. But 25 year old him was less desirable, and probably got rejected/dumped a lot. So now he’s pickier, more careful.
You’re not dating. You’re hook up buddies who meet 1-2 weekends a month. What’s not to like. He gets the milk for free and doesn’t have to buy the cow.
He’s getting exactly what he wants, and doesn’t want anything to change. He offered you platitudes to keep you down to clown, but it’s likely he has no intent on commiting and has similar arrangements with other women.
Avoidant Attachment style. Read up on it.
Meanwhile, give them space and withhold sex. Stop making them a priority and let them know since you’re technically not his gf, you need to be more serious about your future and spend time with more important issues – and leave it at that. Then date other people. Leave him on the back burner. He has someone else probably.
Side-bang
Likely because he’s seeing other people on the side and either doesn’t want a relationship at all, or doesn’t see you as someone he wants to commit to but it’s keeping you around for sex.
>they usually need 3 months before committing (completely understandable). Then 3 months come and go, 6 months come and go, & now it’s month 7 & no relationship.
You haven’t really forced them to make a decision. Let him get away with just extending the goal post over and over. If you want a commitment and tell him hey we’ve been together for 7 months. I think we’ve been together enough time to determine whether or not we want exclusivity. It’s not something you want then I’m going to move on. And put it on him to do make a f****** decision