I’ll try to keep this short. I was in a 3yr relationship with her. She is the one who i planned on spending the rest of my life with. I love her so much. She is everything that i want in a partner, Our relationship was very good for the most part. We always get along, we love each other very much and we both saw a future together!
Early December she said she needed some space and time to think because of past issues in our relationship that never really got solved properly. At times i was emotionally distant and i really struggle with communication which cause our little fights to kind of get pushed to the side and never really resolved. I would try to avoid talking about them instead of just asking her what she needed from me in those times to work things out. I acknowledged my mistakes and really wanted to work things out. We start talking again and hanging out later that month and all of January. We got back to a fairly good place and we even talked about moving into a place together, planning a trip and what our wedding song would be,
But we never really talked about overcoming our past struggles and resolving them and growing stronger and moving forward from them.
Early Feb i could sense something was off. She was emotionally distant and not communicating which is basically what i would do at times in the past. She said she is confused and not ready to try again.
I respected her decision and told her where i stood in terms of my feelings for her and wanting to work things out. I said i would give her space and if she wanted to reach out and talk about things I’m here for her. Its been a few weeks and I haven’t reached out to her and she only reached out once to reply to a snapchat story i posed.
In the meantime I’ve scheduled therapy sessions to really work through my own personal issues that cause me to act the way that i did at times. Ive been reading up on relationships, communication and being vulnerable because i really want to be better for myself and our relationship! It’s not our feelings for each other that are the reason why we are in this position its basically me.
When we first took a break she said she wouldn’t give up on me and that’s what I’m holding onto.
Do i reach out to her first and try and fill her in on everything that I’ve been doing to be a better person and partner and tell her how much i want to fight for us or do i just wait on her to reach out first?
Its been a few weeks.
3 comments
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My question about your situation is: Why did these past issues become a problem again in the present? What brought them up again for her and made her not want to try again? This does seem like a sad ending to a three year relationship.
The thing is, you can’t argue your way back into someone’s heart if they’ve pushed you away, *even if* you have resolved all the issues (on your end) they previously had with you, and *even if* you’re right that the relationship could work. She has to be “in” and she is not in right now.
If she’s open to still talking, you can try to understand more about what triggered this reaction for her, and you can tell her specifically what you think would improve your relationship going forward. You can even suggest therapy. But if she is blocking your bids to connect more, you are sadly going to have to let her go.
What you are experiencing is called limerance. It’s the unhealthy obsession with an ex. I know you love her and you can see the two of you as grandparents. The problem here is that she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. She may be “monkey branching”. This is where a partner either “wants to take a break” or “open the relationship”, both are code for “wanting to fuck other guys” but, without the guilt of being a cheater. Either way she’s moved on.
Sadly, you aren’t moving on. A very long time ago, I wished someone had told me about limerance. I didn’t have a word for what I was feeling so ,like you, I convinced myself it was love. You are familiar with this woman and it’s that familiarity that allows her to fuck other guys and come back to you when they show no interest in any kind of relationship.
So I guess I owe you a solution for what you are experiencing, especially after the approach I used. You need to focus on you. Hit the gym. Eat healthy. Set a solid sleep schedule and stick to it. Trust me, as soon as you begin to improve or attract the attention of other women, she will be back in your orbit and asking why the two of you drifted apart. For your own good, please move on.
I don’t know you but, you might be torturing yourself by imagining what she’s doing and with whom. This is a futile and incredibly painful exercise. It always insane movie sex with some random hot guy. I hate this one. It’s your imagination so you get to choose what is going on and with whom. She could have incredibly sad and boring sex with a hunchback. It doesn’t even have to be sex. She’s run off to join a cult or become a nun and wants you to be free.
The best thing you can do is to realize your relationship has ended. You aren’t the first to experience this nor will you be the last. This is a rite of passage for most human beings. Be kind to yourself. Get a little therapy to gain some perspective and to help establish some healthy goals. I wish you well.