I’d normally shrug this off but it wasn’t until i sat on it and realized EVERY guy i’ve ever dated in my adult life thus far has told me “you’re too good for me”. They won’t say it in a condescending way it’s usually a vulnerable tone. What am i doing/what cause a guy to say this?

37 comments

  1. Insecurities. I’m the same way, if anybody significantly better looking, more personality or more successful than me finds me attractive and I feel like it’s my duty to save them the trouble and dart in the other direction.

  2. This is just a thing that people say that means absolutely nothing. So just let it go and don’t analyze it. It’s honestly like saying “bla bla bla”. It has no meaning.

    Usually, that’s also why they say it. To confuse you and make you wonder and think. It’s often a manipulation trick part of their complete seduction schema. It can be used to reject someone. It can be used to spark interest. It can be used for anything in a dating setting. Because it’s a confusing judgemental statement, it often makes you more docile, accepting, confused, etc. Which can be very useful for a person who wants to remain in control and have power over you. You’re thinking “what does that mean??!?!” And that is exactly what he wants you to think. You’re under his thumb. You’re more easily influenced.

  3. They kind of hate themselves and are shocked they found someone that likes them.

  4. This is something I’ve heard a lot, and to be honest is something I’ve learnt as a warning sign, it’s them telling your they’re expecting you to remain at a certain standard in how you behave. – don’t be difficult, don’t be like other girls, because of course you don’t want to prove them wrong!

    It also a way of them victimising themselves, wanting you to tell them how amazing they are blah blah.

    Honestly, if a guy says that, believe him.

  5. He may end up using you. It’s warning. They’re telling you they’re fucked up. Stay away. Listen to it and take heed. I am divorced because I didn’t. Also, analyze yourself as to why you keep encountering these types. I was playing “captain save a dude from his emotional bs and trauma ” but only ended up being treated like utter shit because it wasn’t me he needed, it was his mama and therapy.

  6. For some people, they genuinely mean it. They think you can do better than them. They could be saying this because they’ve low self-esteem, or because they’ve some serious baggage they don’t want to reveal to you. It’s basically a warning that they don’t want to reveal a personality flaw or a life issue.

  7. My husband used to say stuff like this sometimes. He would say he “married up” and he meant it as a compliment. But I didn’t t like it…I found it oddly patronizing in a way I can’t really explain. So I asked him to stop saying stuff like that and he has.

  8. in my personal experience, I feel like I know where my “league” is, objectively. if a girl that is clearly out of my league and could easily get other options that are more attractive or a better fit for her lifestyle than me, I’d be wary she is “settling” for me or she is using me for something.

    And I’m not talking “this girl is a head turner that gets a ton of options and lives a similar lifestyle to em and I’m a dead average looking guy with an average life”

    I’m talking like “I’m a dead average lookin guy with an average job and not the most confident and this instagram model with 1 million followers that normally dates CEOS/Doctors that are 6 foot 2 and charismatic is into me”.

    I’d be very wary of the second situation

  11. It means he’s not that into you but he recognizes you’re a good person and someone he should want to be with in the future. I’m curious if you’re dating a type.. someone who may have some problems or is kind of a mess in some ways? To them you’re probably a perfectly good candidate on paper but they’re holding out for someone who is a bit of a type themselves (think young insta wannabe model party types – even if it usually goes down in flames). I wouldn’t let the niceness of their tone get to you. Tons of messed up guys put on that front and know what to say to keep someone on the hook but still have plausible deniability when they disappear.

  12. I have had this too. I would like to know the answer as well.

    People are saying ask a therapist…um, this is not therapy material. Trust me OP this statement has had my head spinning, it could mean so many things.

  13. Have you seen Love is Blind 2? If you recall, Shake said the same thing to Dipti chick. He didn’t like her but still wanted to be with her..its manipulative

  15. It is a great cop-out for them and insecurities can also play a factor but it is an easy way out to not put in the effort and walk away (sometimes). It is weak, but sometimes, you need to believe it and say “probably so thanks and goodbye.”

  16. Never heard this (starting to doubt myself) but I believe that he either wants an easy way out or is extremely insecure. You know him better than we do. Does he tend to be insecure? If yes, the latter might be the case.

  17. Leave. What they’re saying is Ik you’re amazing but I don’t want to be what I think you deserve.

  18. It means that he thinks you’re out of his league. The people saying it’s automatically a red flag are stupid. You might be out of his league but at the end of the day it’s up to you who you choose to love and who you’re attracted to.

    It doesn’t always mean a character flaw, it could also just be in terms of physical attraction.

    Other commentators here are idiots.

  19. I used to say shit like this when I was depressed and hated myself. Looking back, I usually *meant* it as a compliment, but it definitely just shouts insecurity instead.

    I was usually just miserable and couldn’t believe an amazing person that actually made me happy would want me.

    Thank god I worked on my mental health since then because it makes me cringe to think back on it

  20. Sometimes “too good” is the equivalent of women telling guys they’re “too nice”.

    A lot of people use compliments in order to sugarcoat rejection.

    Ultimately it all means the same thing: “I’m not that into you.”

    ***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud

    Best wishes!

  22. It sounds like you are a healthy and successful woman. And they recognize that they won’t live up to what should be your high standards.

  23. Weak men are intimidated by strong females. Maybe you’re chasing after the low hanging fruit that you know will stick around.

  25. Do you date bad boys? If you’re attracted to dangerous men you probably are too good for them.

  26. Sounds like you have a type, might be worth discussing this with a therapist. On a second note if someone says you’re too good for them then believe them.

  27. Everyone I’ve been with has said that. It’s a self hate thing , they feel guilty about something and for that reason they think they don’t deserve you.
    Sometimes it’s cus they have something proper to be guilty about like they subconsciously know they are manipulative.
    Other times they just don’t like themselves

  32. Guys used to tell me that. I raised my standards. Now I’m with a great guy. He has insecurities, but doesn’t say I’m too good for him. He says he’s lucky to have me. There’s a difference.

  33. I’ve had this said to me in the past by previous partners, to which I was empathetic towards and understanding of their insecurities.
    HOWEVER, I think this is a red flag if statements like this continue throughout the relationship.
    Like… Okay, you feel “not good enough”, what are you going to do about it now? Work on self love and self acceptance? Up-skill yourself? Work harder on becoming the best version of yourself that you want to be?
    The red flag that exists here for me is whether or not they choose to sit in their self-deprecating behaviour or if they choose to make a difference for themselves.
    OP, you’re not doing anything to elicit these statements. If anything, you probably just have your shit together haha. It’s not a you problem.

  36. Unpopular opinion, but I think you should have some empathy towards him and tell him that leagues don’t exist and there’s a reason why you chose to date him.

    Now, if this keeps up then yes I’d be worried, but there are guys who genuinely don’t believe that a women they like are interested in them.

    Imagine if a girl suffered through abuse and assault, and a guy wants to dump her because her trauma and self esteem issues are not his responsibility, you bet people are going to say that he’s cold hearted. Same thing here. Be a team player, accept that he’s not perfect, and work through it with him and support him.

    People saying that she should leave him is exactly the reason why many men hesitate to be vulnerable. By being vulnerable like this, you are giving her the reasons she’s looking for to disqualify you. And that’s incredibly unempathetic.

  37. This is what players tell women when the women want them to commit to them, but don’t want to spoil your perception of him too much.

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