EDIT:
Didn’t expect a post I made out of frustration to get this much attention. I realized it is hard to fit everything from the last few years into one single post, and so most of you were left having to make assumptions. Which is why I’m deleting the post and will just respond to the comments and suggestions that came through prior.
To those of you who gave mature and level-headed advice, thank you. A handful of comments actually gave me perspective on somethings feel were overlooked by both of us and professionals.
EDIT 2:
Going through and giving gold to those who were helpful or got downvoted to hell for simply offering an opinion.
Thanks everyone, I’m walking away with much to think about.
24 comments
What do you expect to happen when you completely ignore your partner’s concerns when making a major life decision? It’s good you have a counselor, but you need to stop acting like it’s somehow unreasonable that she resents you for acting like she doesn’t get a say in your family.
Ultimately if she can’t forgive you she’s not going to be happy in the relationship.
You’re both financially secure, so rather than staying unhappy together, make a fresh start and seek happiness individually.
That happens when you completely ignore your partner when making a big, life altering decision that will affect both of you.
Is she going to separate counseling? That might help her with figuring out what she wants to do.
If you guys weren’t in a relationship for very long, it’s understandable why she feels that way. You ignored her input, 3 years were a struggle, and during this time you didn’t value spending time with her.
So now you guys have money, but your relationship isn’t strong because you didn’t spend the early years cultivating it.
You’ll need to really talk with her and figure out how she wants to proceed, what you guys can do to get the spark/trust back etc.
Need some info first
When you say you weren’t together for long, do you mean that you weren’t married for long, or weren’t dating for long?
If you guys were only dating when you made this decision, then she could’ve left at any time. While I understand her frustration, it isn’t justified.
Out of curiosity, has she ever had to deal with financial insecurity? There’s a certain kind of trauma that can develop from growing up in poverty or even going from feast to famine (or back again).
I ask because that might be why this is such a big deal to her. If she felt that you were jeopardizing her security and safety, it’s probably going to take her a lot of individual counseling work to work through all of it. In short, she could feel very betrayed by you and feel unsure that you’ll be secure in the future, and that’s a really difficult thing to get past.
Ultimately, it’s her issue that she would need to work on, but you both deserve to be in healthy, happy relationships that are supportive and enjoyable. If she doesn’t trust you or is simply carrying this unhealthy level of animosity, that’s not good for either of you.
So what you say is that early in a relationship, you prioritized your work against her wishes. Made her have 0 input into potentially being a sole breadwinner, argue you know best, and now all she went through should be left in the past because your plan happened to work out?
Count yourself lucky for it working out. She wanted an equal partner. Someone who would be there for her and respect her opinion. To make decisions together. You threw it all away for a company. Of course, it is a bait and switch. For a few years, she didn’t matter. It was you and you. And stress. There was a lot of stress she likely didn’t sign up for. Maybe she thought you had savings for the time in between? Maybe she thought you wouldn’t just have her there waiting? Maybe she wanted more stability in the relationship before you do what you did, or just… you know…a say in it?
I think you look at it outcome based – I did it! Well, that wasn’t guaranteed, and chances are your result is against the odds. She looks at it in terms of partnership – where you failed time and time again…for years.
You made a gamble, and so happened to have won. The fact is, you made the gamble without your wife’s blessing, and flat out disapproval. Now, instead of being a partner, she’s just some background chick being drug on a ride she didn’t want to be on in the first place. You don’t seem to understand the position you put her in, and don’t care, because it worked out. I hope those millions keep you warm at night.
I think you’re focusing way too much on the financial aspect here. The reason she’s mad, I think, is that your decision forced her to live a life she didn’t agree to and you decided to do that in spite of her objections.
Some people are fine with the idea that they may have to suffer and grind really hard for a (relatively) short period of time in order to build the kind of financial security that means they don’t have to worry in future. But other people are not. Those people don’t want millions and an easy life in a few years – they want to enjoy life NOW, they want time with their spouse, they want peace and joy and memories together, they would rather give up that kind of financial security if the price they pay is years of stress and loneliness. It sounds like your wife was the latter, and your decision forced her to go along with something she never wanted.
You’re expecting her to be happy now because it turned out well, but it’s not about the result – it’s about the process. And the process was something she hated and had to endure for years because you ignored her input when you had to make a decision. Being rich and having an easy life now doesn’t make up for that. Money can’t wash away years of stress and loneliness and missed opportunities to nurture your relationship.
It’s like when someone was an alcoholic, and then they get clean, and they expect their partner to be thrilled with them because the bad times are over. But they don’t think about all the time that came before, when their partner suffered and struggled as a result of their actions. Now I know what you did isn’t equivalent to being an addict, but you did make a choice based on what you wanted that was the opposite of what your spouse wanted and you now expect her to be ok with it because it’s turned out positively. The happy ending doesn’t undo the damage that was done to your relationship in the process of getting there. And you can’t keep expecting her to sweep that under the rug and let it go, especially if you’ve never apologised or made meaningful attempts to rebuild the bond with her that you neglected for 3 years while you were hyper focused on your business.
Forget about the money. It’s not about the money, not the money you have now or the money you continued to provide throughout the last 3 years. It’s about how your choices made her feel; stressed, alone, blindsided, abandoned, trapped, neglected, powerless. How are you going to address that?
It’s a tough situation and I can see both perspectives. There’s not a lot of info provided, but it sounds like your wife needs you to understand emotionally the impact it had on her. Have you worked with your couples counselor to validate her feelings and experience?
You can’t out logic feelings. That’s why the successful outcome of your gamble isn’t as impactful for her.
I’m not saying either party is right or wrong here. But if you want to maintain this relationship I think addressing her emotions and taking responsibility for how your actions impacted her is the best path forward.
I think something that you’re missing is that just because you’re a millionaire now doesn’t make up the fact that your relationship went neglected for three years.
Coming from a fellow business owner who was in a similar situation (I was in your wife’s position, except I had to quit my job to help run our business) you have to remember that money doesn’t make up for the upheaval of the lifestyle you guys had pre business and her taking on the majority of the financial burden. It changes things. Financial insecurity does a number on you and your partner, especially if it’s a trigger. Struggling with a new business puts a huge amount of pressure and strain on any relationship. You have to acknowledge that.
I felt resentful of my husband and of our business. I hated the four years of struggle and neglect in our relationship. It really did a number on me. But he listened to me. He validated my feelings. He let me feel angry and resentful of him. He made me feel HEARD. And we made a game plan on how to rebuild our relationship after years of neglect. We both put in major work into our relationship. We got to know each other again outside of the struggle. We had to relearn how to communicate our needs and feelings. It can work but only if both of you really want it to.
Look at this like another learning opportunity. Listen to how she feels and validate her feelings. Don’t make her feel like she shouldn’t be angry or feel neglected just because you have reached financial security now. Money doesn’t make up for the fact that your relationship had a major strain for years with her taking on a lot of the financial burden. Money doesn’t mean she isn’t entitled to her feelings. Your relationship can heal, but you have to make her feel heard and you both have to want it. There’s a reason why divorce rates are so much higher among business owners.
I don’t think this is about actual money at all – but respect.
You chose risk vs reward, but she saw it as total disrespect for her opinion, and then absolute reliance on her to keep yourselves afloat.
Yes things are fine financially now, but I would bet she is still emotionally scarred by the way you dismissed her, and then made her responsible for your survival while you got to chase your dreams.
I read shit like this and glad I didn’t marry someone for their money. Because usually those who have a lot of it prioritize it before their marriages.
You did exactly what you wanted when you wanted.
So, you made money but now you have an unhappy marriage.
Some people just don’t get it just because it ended up being financially successful doesn’t mean she should be happy.
I think a lot of people hit the nail on the head. You lost 3 years of relationship nurturing. So you need to make her fall in love with you again. Do things you would do if you were wooing her initially. It’s consistency on the little things that really does wonders.
My take on this is that you told her ‘it’s my way or the highway.’ Now you are trying to justify that that was ok because you made money than you would have at your 250k job. Money isn’t everything and TBH, and a million dollars isn’t actually that much money.
It certainly doesn’t make up for knowing that your partner doesn’t see you as an equal and will pull the breadwinner power play shit whenever they want. (Did you put the money 50/50 in her name?) Of course that will kill the trust, respect, and intimacy in a relationship.
The sad part is that you are only figuring this out now. You got your money, but it really hurt your marriage, and your wife. Personally, I would have divorced someone who treated me like that. It’s also why I always advise other women – have your own money.
OP, I’m tossing out another point that I only just noticed. Your SO is coming onto 40.
Did she want children? Because she may be blaming you if she hasn’t had any and she may believe that she can’t have any at this point in time.
As others have pointed out, you destroyed trust in your relationship by making a unilateral decision and expected your SO to just deal with it.
She is approaching the woman’s version of a midlife crisis and she is probably evaluating what she has done with her life. If all she sees in the last ten years is how she supported you, there is a lot of resentment there.
Honestly, I would talk to her in one of your therapy sessions and ask her “what did you want your life to look like at 40? What experiences, milestones, and goals would you still like to achieve?”
She supported you when you decided to take a risk. Support her now and encourage her to follow her dreams now and you might see some improvement.
Out of curiosity do you and your spouse want / wanted kids? You were grinding away during the some of the last years she could get pregnant before being in the 40 / high risk category? Not saying you can’t have kids now, but you said that you wanted to grind it all so that you can focus on family but was she included in that decision? This post seems like she was not.
Where is the original post :/
Where did the post go?
Why would you delete your entire post in your edit? That’s very annoying
The title itself is so misleading, your partner doesn’t “hate you for following your passions” they are bitter because you ignored them, their thoughts, feelings, and wishes.
Hey OP honestly now just make it a huge priority to be active in your relationship. See what she wants and support her 100%. It sounds like she supported you during stressful years. Time to step up and be there. What’s the point of getting where you are if you don’t focus on building your relationship. Sadly you spent years not doing that so it’s time to step up.
What’s the Original Post? LOL
From some of the comments, it sounds like you invested/work on a business without your partner’s input or to her disagreement.
She stayed put but resentful. Thankfully after 3 years, the bet paid off.
If those are the first 3 years together, I wonder why she’s staying put. She must have felt a great deal of care toward you or something. But she’s resentful.
Maybe she can go on private counseling to work out her resentment for the 3 years. And basically “treat” her and start doing couple-stuff to build foundation for the relationship/marriage if you guys want to still be together.