Every. Single. Day. I have to ask this man to brush his teeth. It’s always an argument. I finally got fed up and told him that it’s not my responsibility to tell him to brush his teeth every day. His response was: “you don’t have to tell me to, I have perfect teeth and will brush them whenever I feel like I need to”. Side note: he hasn’t been to the dentist in many years so that’s bs.
In addition, he doesn’t take responsibility to do basic chores like washing dishes. I just graduated college and am looking for a job, he’s unemployed as his job doesn’t have winter work, so it’s not an issue of either one of us being more busy than the other. He makes up these cleaning “rules”. Like if you make a dirty dish, you clean it. But this only lasts a few days as he himself can never keep up with it. So lately I’ve been trying to have us swap out doing dishes; I do it one day and he does it the other, but it starts a fight. I get really stressed with clutter and dirty dishes, so after several days of the dishes sitting in the sink when he was supposed to do them, I got upset. He tells me if I get stressed out by clutter, then I should clean it. Then he says if they were the majority of his dishes, he would have cleaned them up right away. When I pointed out that they were in fact, all his. He told me to shut up. I, firmly said “I do not deserve that sort of disrespect, do not tell me to shut up”. He said “what’re you going to do about it”? He consistently changes the narrative to fit his liking and it’s mentally exhausting.
I’m hopeless. I dont know what to do. I’m supposed to be moving across the country in a month with this man but idk if I can. We’ve been together for over 4 years and he’s the love of my life, but I’m so tired of taking care of a man-child.
33 comments
Dump him. He’s dead weight for you. He will only hold you back in life.
Cooking, cleaning, and personal hygiene are all BASIC LIFE SKILLS. It is not your responsibility to remind him this.
If a stranger approached you on the street and said “Hi, I’m unemployed, don’t brush my teeth, and don’t like cleaning up after myself”, would you seriously consider going out with him? The dental stuff alone is just gross, how do you bring yourself to kiss him??
You’re 21, you have so much life ahead of you. Why are you settling for this?
I’m sorry. Your BF is a toddler and he can’t communicate in a mature way. He’s not taking responsibility for anything including basic hygiene. Living with that has to be exhausting & frustrating. You’re young and learning what your boundaries are. Now you know what you don’t want. Start making your exit plan
He’s an unemployed, disrespectful slob – and you’re cleaning up his mess every time.
Kick him out already. You’re only 21 – you’re not his mother.
I used to think I was spoiled because my sons father loved cooking and was also a clean freak like me. Everything was done evenly between us and it wasn’t even an argument or a conversation, it’s just how we flowed together.
I wasn’t spoiled, I was just in a shit relationship prior to it. There are TONS of partners who are exactly like you and know the basics. Don’t stress anymore and be freeeeee!
Sounds like you need to take out the garbage.
It’s him. He’s the garbage.
OMG, I don’t usually jump to the dump him Mantra right away but why do you want to stay with this guy? He’s dirty, he probably has God knows what festering in his mouth, he won’t clean up after himself, he argues everything with you. He is mentally and physically sucking you dry. Do not go anywhere with him if you do have to move across the country just don’t go with him go on your own and live by yourself or live somewhere with a roommate but not this guy. You need to move on from the relationship it has run its course and you have outgrown him at this point and he has not grown up. Unless you want to be his mother and take care of him for the rest of his life then stay with him. He’s not going to grow up until he either chooses to or he’s forced to.
Do NOT move anywhere with this kid. He is not a man, he does not behave like a man, and he does not have the minimal skill-set required to be considered a functional adult; no hygiene routines, no chore schedule, and no motivation. Dump him before he becomes a full on hobosexual who is dependent on YOU.
Send him back to his mom, he isn’t an adult yet.
Stop paying for him.
Why are you dating a loser?
😂😂😂😂 it’s okay to have standards babe. Raise the bar a bit.
Sorry, there’s a typo in your first sentence. Should be “I have to ask this *child* to brush his teeth.”
You’re not dating a man, you’re dating a 6 year old
I think you know what answers you’re gonna get
> I’m supposed to be moving across the country in a month with this man but idk if I can. We’ve been together for over 4 years and he’s the love of my life, but I’m so tired of taking care of a man-child.
“He’s the love of my life, but he’s a man-baby who won’t do chores.”
Does everyone else see how ridiculous that sounds?
It’s time to move on. There are men out there who take care of themselves and their homes who can also be caring and funny and love you.
Do you want kids one day?? This guy would be a deadbeat dad.
You’re so young and still learning about relationships. Take what you’ve learned about in this one and find someone that meets your needs
Leave. Ffs……
He has no personal hygiene, and cannot keep where he lives clean. Why are you still there.
Why are you dating this guy again? I mean why? Why?
Real talk here – you’re 21, he’s a slob and a jerk. He’s NOT the love of your life and as soon as you get away from this disrespect, you’ll wish you had sooner.
You’re mistaken, this is not a boyfriend , this is a child .
Do you want a child or a man ?
Stop doing stuff for him. Stop cleaning his dishes and clothes. Let it pile up. Stop telling him to brush his teeth. Stop acting like his mother.
Honestly, this isn’t going to get better. He knows he has you on lock and you’ve established the history of doing stuff for him when it becomes too frustrating for you. You’ve taught him that his weaponized incompetence works.
If you want to try to save this, or prove a point, quit doing anything for him and see how long it takes him to notice. I’d bet money that instead of doing basic chores for himself, he’ll start whining at you about why you’ve stopped.
But you aren’t tired of taking care of a man child. You’ve been doing it for four years and four years of it hasn’t caused you to walk away. As long as you tolerate it, you’re not tired enough of it. He has no incentive to change, and he doesn’t want to change. You’re not responsible for his behavior, but you are responsible for the choice to stay in this relationship.
Send him across the country alone. You deserve so much better than this.
“What are you going to do about it?”
Ummmm…definitely not move across the country and stay in a relationship with a man who DOESN’T BRUSH HIS TEETH or clean up after himself or do what HE promises. So much ugh.
I say this with kindness, girl you need to love yourself more. This relationship is done and you should move forward as it sounds like you have your shit together. You deserve respect and this ~~man~~ child is not giving it to you, nor is he likely to start.
It’s not your job to get a man to take care of himself. You’re not his mother
for the millionth fucking time: if your partner cannot do basic chores without whining and have no hygiene routine DUMP THEM. have *some* respect for yourself. it’s incredibly sad how many women post about their unhygienic partners and expect the advice of strangers to magically change them. if you’ve been trying to change him to do *basic* shit for 4 1/2 years, I’m sorry, he ain’t changing and you’re wasting time. he doesn’t care about his hygiene and health, why should you? find someone who actually gives a crap about their appearance and you.
edit:spelling
You aren’t in a relationship to be your partner’s mommy! Tell him he turns into an equal partner and acts like an adult or you’re gone! There is no reason on earth to tolerate this!
The bar is in hell and the devil plays limbo with it.
Girl, if you’re on Reddit, you already know the answer.
Move on from him. This isn’t going to get better. You are young – you will have other loves, that will treat you with respect.
You don’t need a man child in your life. It’s way paste time to kick him to the curb.
I am old enough to be your grandfather and if you were my granddaughter, this is what I would tell her. Take care of yourself.
Leave him. He isn’t behaving like an adult. You will always have to be his mum.
Find a new bf.
He’s the love of your life the way my two beautiful daughters are the loves of my life. My wife is actually a partner and we manage our household together so that I don’t have three daughters to take care of. Right now you have one son and no partner. I don’t mean to diminish your experience, but you’re 21 and this guy only seems like the love of your life because he’s the only one you’ve had. Take a break and see the greener grass.
Thank you, everyone, for the comments. I came on here more for reassurance & to confirm that I’m not over-thinking this. I know from what I’ve described the answer seems so obvious and easy, but it is far from easy and the outcome may be the most difficult thing I will ever go through. We’ve been through so much, and he is my best friend. But you’re all right, I deserve so so so much more. I deserve respect, love, and better hygiene. I have to have a very difficult conversation with him and he will have to decide between cleaning up his act (and himself) & going to therapy or end our relationship. Thank you all again, I’ll keep you updated.