I came out of an eight year long, abusive relationship about 6 months ago, I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months… I told him (current guy) about some of the aspect, but I did not go into detail. I’m not going to go into it, so make your inferences. We’ve been spending a lot of time together, and a lot of that time involves staying up late and past my bedtime, and exerting a lot of energy. I enjoy it, but there are times I specifically say I need to get some sleep and I get… distracted. I definitely participate at those times, but I get annoyed because I feel.. I guess exploited? which means l’m constantly tired. The couple times I’ve told him I’m not in the mood, he gets pissy and usually ends up leaving after I fall asleep.
Last night I got off work, he met me at my apartment and we reheated some food and I was out by 930. Apparently he tried to keep me up but I told him his “expectations were irrational” which apparently hurt his feelings. He was also upset by the fact that I didn’t kiss him, and that when I got in bed, I made “sexual noises”, and I was snoring. He told me he tried three times to get me to have sex with him and I bucked him off each time. It really put me off after he told me that, because even though I was so asleep, I don’t remember, I feel like he should’ve stopped after the first time, especially since I said no earlier in the evening. His argument is he’d be OK with me doing that to him. But he’s kind of right about me sounding cold and being misleading (I don’t want to break it off, but I don’t want something serious and he does) |like this guy, and the sex is great, but there are flags l’m seeing that I feel like may not be flags, but me being a b*tch. After he told me what he did while I was asleep, I asked him to leave my apartment, after which he started sending a lot of mean messages. Did I overreact?
31 comments
What?! No way! He’s a pervert.
Nope..toss him.
No, you didn’t overreact. He does not respect you or your boundaries. Any normal person would feel exploited in your position. He doesn’t care about you being tired, doesn’t care or try to understand how you feel, he just wants 24/7 access to his fuck doll.
Stopped after the first time? There shouldn’t have been a first time! Do not waste any more time with this POS.
No means no.
You falling asleep doesn’t change that.
Ditch that guy, he’s not worth your time.
I didn’t really read the post after reading the title. If he had penetrated you while passed out, that’s rape. The fact that he even did this – without your consent – is alarming. Extra ick for not stopping after you asked him to.
Not a bit even a little. Sex is a strong driver but a man who can’t hear no is not a man, he’s a user.
He tried to rape you. Dump him
It can be very difficult reframing what acceptable is behavior after being in an abusive relationship
Long term abusive relationships cut down our self-worth to the ground and we often blame ourselves for the abuse, or at least say “well i wasn’t perfect either”.
I’m glad to see you’re leaving him blocked. If you can, read the book “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, i think the r/JUSTNO subreddit has a free download in their side bar. Also seek therapy, work on re-learning how to operate outside of an abusive relationship.
even if he did nothing wrong(which is not the case) sending a bunch of mean messages while you’re trying to sort out the situation would be enough for me to say goodbye permanently
You don’t want to break up, but: he gets mad at you for turning down sex, he tries to initiate sex without your consent, he gets back that you buck him off you when he’s trying to rape your sleeping body, he got mad that you made sex noises in your sleep (dafuq?), he got mad that you snored, and he wants a serious relationship while you don’t. WTAF? Who cares if the sex is amazing? Love yourself and know your self worth. This man is trash.
>but there are flags l’m seeing that I feel like may not be flags, but me being a b*tch.
Holy crap. No OP you are not being a bitch, those are real red flags. He does not respect your body autonomy and he sounds a bit rapey.
Please read The Gift of Fear, its core message is to trust your instincts.
That’s super wack. Get gone night rapist
You did not overreact. He is a predator. Break up with him.
No. Having sex with someone who is asleep and cannot consent (unless it’s like an agreed upon you can initiate if I’m asleep) is assault.
Please do not continue seeing him. Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult, and repeating the cycle can happen by rationalizing red flags. These are real big huge red flags. He’s not a good person.
So he tried to rape you and then he told you about it and wanted you to apologise?
Keep him blocked. He’s a predator.
You need to dump that person ASAP!
What da actuell heck is wrong with him?
He shouldn’t even have tried the first time. That’s weird. And totally disrespectful.
Sounds as if you are solo now.
Sometimes it just so happens that one wants and the other doesn’t.
Pressuring for sex sounds to be a dealbreaker for you. Just leave it at that.
He tried to rape you, and then complained to you in the morning that he wasn’t successful. Breaking up is the ONLY FUCKING ANSWER.
So you went grom one abusive relationship straight into another. And you will continue to attract abusers until you get help. You need to dump this guy, get therapy and stay single for a good long while until you learn to be happy on your own/alone and don’t “need” to be with someone. Amd also learn about toxic behavior and setting boundaries and sticking to them. Dorn get me wrong, you are a victim and not at fault but your personality is such that you will continue to attract abusers. They can spot vulnerable people from a mile away. I was in a couple of unhealthy marriage myself. Not abusive but unhealthy for sure. I realized (learned) I was a codependent pleaser once I started therapy when my last ex went to rehab for alcohol. I also realized that I had to change myself if i wanted to avoid more unhealthy relationships.
Nothing wrong with being single. No one can ame you happy if you’re not happy on your own. I was single for the first time in my life at age 46. I’m enjoying it and even though I miss the sex occasionally I don’t really miss having an SO atm. I have a lot of catching up to go.
Lose this AH and take care of yourself.
>The couple times I’ve told him I’m not in the mood, he gets pissy
You are UNDERREACTING. This is how you end up in another abusive relationship, because you ignore clear signs that the guy is controlling and does not respect you.
Stop dating for a while and see a therapist instead so you don’t end up careening from one loser to another. Break the cycle.
You are dating a rapist. Do with that what you will.
“Did I overreact by kicking my ex out for repeatedly trying to rape me”
Fixed it for you.
Also no.
Geez…
How often do you pass out?!
No , you didn’t overreact. Trying to hump an unconscious person is a POS move, considered criminal sexual assault in my country.
Are you really that unsure about your decision regarding kicking out a man who repeatedly tried to sexually assault you multiple times that you need insight?? I swear, red flags and warning signs should be a required curriculum for teen girls in school so they don’t spend much of their life being unsure of what abuse it, or red flags. Might even prevent some from getting into relationships like that.
If it’s just validation you are seeking, then yes, your decision is very much valid.
No, you did not overreact. This guy is a selfish, icky creep.
No.
Girl. He is a rapist. The hell
Now you’re in another abusive relationship. How about you break up with this guy and you don’t start another relationship until you’ve been in therapy for at least a year.
Nope. Not at all. Only time sleep sex is acceptable is if there is prior and continued consent. My fiance and I love it but we always make sure one another is good with it.