My ex boyfriend reached out to me to apologize how he treated me after 10 years of us breaking up. The last conversation we had was him telling me to kill myself because I wouldn’t lie for him (he cheated on his new gf with me and I didn’t know he was with someone else).
He brain dumped an apology onto me and wanted to be friendly. He briefly mentioned the city I live in when asking how I am. The only way he would know where I live is from my save the dates for my wedding, which I have no idea how he even found out about them
I have been angry ever since that conversation because of how much he hurt me and how it impacted my mental health. And I really want to tell him exactly how his words impacted me. It’s been bothering me ever since he messaged me a couple of days ago. But I honestly don’t know if it is even worth my time or energy.
Background: we were together for 2 years before I left to college
TLDR: I don’t know if it’s worth my time telling my ex how he hurt me
18 comments
If you’re getting married, why do you care about an ex from 10 years ago? I understand being hurt, but maybe therapy instead can help release all that anger? ❤️
block him and move on, if you continue to answer you’re just feeding his satisfaction
Delete his messages asap. I would probably discuss this with your fiancé just to keep him in the loop, but don’t respond unless you want to open an old wound and trigger yourself badly
This is exactly what he aims for. Do not do anything. Block him and find out how who is providing him information.
Write down everything you want to say to him. Wait at least 24 hours. Send it or don’t. It might be therapeutic for you to just write it down. Only send it if it benefits you!
Honestly people like him deserve to hear the hard truth. Horrible abusive actions have consequences that do not just go away by saying sorry. He likely deserves to read every bad thing you want to say to him…plus a little shame and guilt might be good for him… if he can even feel guilt…
Block him regardless of what you decide to do.
I’m going to ask you the question I ask myself this kind of situation:
What do you want to have come out of this in the end?
Followed by: What outcome is actually likely to happen?
If all you want is the catharsis of telling him off and want to make him feel bad… then telling him how much he hurt you is going to accomplish that. But if you do it then you need to block him immediately after because nothing but more pain and frustration will follow that.
If you want to feel better – this isn’t going to do that for you. You’d probably be better off blocking him without responding and leaning into the joy of your current partner and upcoming wedding.
If you want him to know that his reach out was triggering and hurtful then the best response would be to calmly address just that: “While I can appreciate that reaching out to apologize probably had good intentions, I just want you to know that finding you in my in box after a decade was actually incredibly triggering. I also find it creepy that you are telling me you know where I live. I appreciate the apology but I’m not in a place to accept it and would just like to keep moving in with my life, please don’t contact me again.” And then block him. The value of this is potential catharsis without creating more drama or regret for you.
Basically, you need to know what you want, do what will best get you that result *and then block him* because there’s no scenario where not blocking him makes sense or offers value to you.
I’m a little amused/bothered that you have any reaction. Forget it, don’t answer and move on. Tell your husband? For god’s sake why? Tell him what?
“I can appreciate you reaching out to apologize, but I have no interest in rekindling anything. Thank you, but I don’t want any further contact.”
Block ghost and do nothing.
Life went on.
Enjoy your future
Block him and ignore!
BLOCK HIM NOW
Never respond.
Any acknowledgement (even asking for zero contact) will encourage him to follow you and reach out again someday.
The most powerful response is no response because it shows he has zero value.
Everyone is telling you to block and move forward. Tell your fiance/husband so he can support you. I concur. But may I suggest one other thing: The Empty Chair Technique.
[https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/gestalt-therapy-the-empty-chair-technique/](https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/gestalt-therapy-the-empty-chair-technique/)
I have used this technique with a therapist and alone to work through a conversation I feel I want to have without exposing myself to the actual person or speaking to someone I don’t have contact with or can’t reach out to anymore. It can be extremely powerful. I suggest working with a therapist if you have never done it before, but honestly, some of my most powerful conversations are when I am alone in my house and I just say everything that comes to me, unfiltered, and not concerned about how it sounds to someone else in the room with me.
Don’t reply and block him. My ex pulled this shit a couple of times. Once via MySpace after several years and then via Facebook several years after the first time. I never responded and blocked him. I had blocked him on Facebook, but he made a new account and got around my block. I’m positive he found me via his cousin who is my friend.
Best thing you can do is block him. People like him only want to garner emotional reactions from people they torture. If you get mad at him he’ll just stop responding and feel satisfied that he’s still able to push your buttons. Block him and it’ll feel great.
Yeah, block, never respond. If you do it gives him an in. He knows there is still emotions for him somewhere inside you. He wants an emotional response, that’s why he reached out and instead of….acting like he just wanted to catch up or see how you were, he instantly dumped emotional baggage on you in an attempt to get back into your head. Do not respond, his apology does nothing….it means nothing…you are getting married. Move on.
I strongly recommend you block him everywhere. Engaging with him will not change the past, it will only cause you hurt.
Think of him as dead to you. We don’t talk to the dead.
Block him. He knows how much he hurt you. Don’t give him another second of your time. Don’t waste any time on him at all. He just wants to mess with you, get narcissistic supply from you. The only way to win with toxic people is not to play their game.
You can tell him how much he hurt you by blocking him without replying, then getting revenge by living well, which apparently he knows because he snooped on you.