My husband (26M) is in a group chat with some of our old friends (guys only) from back in high school. I (26F) recently read some of the things that he says in there and I feel extremely disrespected and even now even feeling insecure with myself. It’s day 4 and I still can’t get past this feeling with him. I confronted him right away about the way he’s talking and he swears it’s all “jokes” and just some guy talk. This has happened before and he knows how I feel about it and said he’d stop saying dumb things but clearly he’s not and this time I feel like it was worse than the past times.
Something I should mention is this group chat of around maybe 10 guys are ALL single aside from 1 other guy who is also married. So safe to assume a lot of the talk is about women, porn, photos, and other guy stuff.
I’ve seen messages of my husband bragging about he past hook ups, saying things like he visits their Instagram and gets hard just looking at their photos, talks about a crush he has on a girl we went to high school with and he’d “risk it all” for her and asking his friends to put in a good word for him. He tells them how he’s on a “three some only porn spree” right now and how he feels like he’s missing out because “imagine 2 tongues on your c*ck” 🙃 he’ll send pictures of girls butts from Instagram and ask his friends to rate. The guys will be talking about how a girl from high school is now doing and only fans and is posting nudes on her Snapchat and he’ll ask for her snap name and go add her so he can see and send the link of her OF in the chat so someone can pay for it and post her stuff in the chat. Saying how sexy some of his ex flings have got, and how bricked up looking at them makes him. He talked about one of his past hook ups and said how nice her body is and told one of his friend to hit her up and fly her out and then he’ll go visit them… The list goes ON.
I never asked him to leave the group chat, but he let me know he refuses to leave it and he’ll “clean up” the locker room talk. Just like he’s said before. In your honest opinion, is this kind of “guys talk” ok when your married? I think it’s disrespectful to me and our marriage. I KNOW if he seen me talking about men and my exs like that he would be livid. I’ve been feeling down and insecure with myself and feeling not good enough when I know that’s not the case and I don’t know how to get over this.
27 comments
That’s not “guys talk”, that’s “immature losers talk”.
There’s locker room “phwoar, I’d fuck (insert celebrity), wouldn’t you?”, and then there’s your husband boasting about how he masturbated to his exes and would leave you for them.
It doesn’t matter what the single guys are saying – they are single. What your husband has said is not OK. He doesn’t HAVE to be saying any of this, and in fact it sounds like he instigated a good deam of the sexual talk himself.
Ask him if he would tolerate if you were explicitly talking about your exes and wanting to leave him for them in a chat with your girls.
Personally, I don’t know many men or women who behave like that. It sounds like his friends are pretty immature.
Your husband sounds like a huge creep. I’d be disgusted worried about his behavior. I think my biggest worry after that would be him taking the next step and messaging women and pretending it didn’t mean anything or was a “lapse” in judgement.
it’s okay to make this a dealbreaker.
He ***is*** being disrespectful to you and women in general. With most of the guys single I could see this getting out of control with him. Hopefully they all don’t decide to meet up in Vegas, as my money would be on him crossing boundaries. The fact he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings is concerning. I would suggest counseling for him but doubt he would participate.
Eww. I mean, that’s some cringy stuff. It sounds like “My girlfriend’s from Canada but really hot” level of immaturity. It’s hard to be attracted to someone like this. This isn’t about you *at all* it’s about his need to feel like an “alpha male” something that just by itself is repugnant.
Just for the record, I am in an absolutely massive group chat (several hundred guys) for car guys and about 99% of the talk about women involves how awesome they are and how lucky we are to have them.
If he is in a chat that degrades women, especially wives and SOs, those are some trash friends.
How long until he or his buddies convince him to cross that line? He is horribly disrespectful to you and your relationship. He needs to grow up.
He is immature, gross, disrespectful and a part of a misogynistic friend group who are the same. I hate to say it, but nothing good will come of this. A group of boys discussing women like this are not improving, especially when a majority are single are the few that aren’t speaks and acts like they are.
He needs to leave that OP.
He also needs someone to take him behind the shed real quick.
He said he would leave you. He said it without provocation or intimidation. He would be willing to leave you for another woman. Read all three of those again. He meant it. Leave.
I would have lost all attraction to someone who behaved that way. Game over.
I’m so sorry, but if my husband behaved like this, I would leave. I wouldn’t even have the heart to look at messages like that — they’re so disrespectful and hurtful.
These aren’t really pet peeves that you can just work through (eg. annoyance from not wiping down the sink or leaving drawers open). These are behavior traits that clearly show what type of person he is and how he intends to treat you now that you’re married and thinks he has you “locked down”.
I’m sorry, but if you don’t have any kids yet, I would so totally leave.
This is indicative of what he really thinks of you and your relationship. As long as he has no consequences for this behavior, he will continue.
That you somehow think it means something about you is the really sad part. You are a woman – married to a low-quality human. That does not mean that you are somehow deficient and so deserve this low quality human.
Develop your self worth and stand up for the kind of treatment you deserve- it does probably mean leaving this weak man, because he doesn’t see it as an issue- not u til there is some negative impact on him will he care at all.
I’m sorry you married him, and the best thing for your future would be to figure out why you are even attracted to this sort of man, work on yourself, and choose better next time.
Gross, I never talked like that when I was single.
41m. There’s guy talk and guy talk. Bitching about your wife is generally acceptable. Tearing her to pieces and showing contempt behind her back is not. Talking about other women as if you’d cheat on your wife is not.
I would GTFO – disrespect is just the tip of the iceberg.
How long have you been married?
Is your husband your friend? Do you trust him? Can you count on him to be there for you when you need? My guess is that the answer to these questions is, No.
I hate to say this, but I don’t think he just needs to leave the group chat. I think you need to leave this marriage. I don’t say that lightly, either. But this man does not sound respectful, respectable, trustworthy, or even… well… kind.
Who do you want by your side as you travel life? Is he that person?
OP I looked at your post history and saw your previous post about his anger issues and how he calls you a dumb bitch when he’s mad. AND NOW THIS?! Girl… I know exactly why you’re feeling down and insecure and it’s because you’re married to a HUGE ASSHOLE
You need to take out the trash
Forget the fact that this is all incredibly disrespectful and misogynistic, if we take his messages at face value, he’s actively planning on cheating on you.
Your husband sucks.
I’m very sorry.
I cannot believe you have to be married to someone like that. I hope you don’t have kids.
If you don‘t have kids…well, just think about spending the rest of your life with somebody like this. Somebody this immature, considerate, dumb, desperate, etc.
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
FOREVER.
UNTIL YOU DIE.
You will be closer to nobody else. You will spend the most amount of time in your life with THIS KIND OF PERSON.
This is your chosen family. THIS GUY.
This is super gross and I question this guys entire character and dedication to the marriage.
At this point, this has nothing to do him. You have already expressed how you feel about it. It is his choice whether he makes the change or not. The only thing you can CONTROL is how you respond and deal with this situation. Be content being married to absolute loser, or change your situation. But he has shown you who he is, now it is up to you whether you accept it or not.
Very disrespectful of him and if I was doing this to my wife and then telling her I refuse to leave the group, the only thing leaving would be me and a suitcase because she would throw me out of the house!!!
None of this is “guy stuff.” It’s misogyny. He literally doesn’t respect you (or any woman, for that matter). He does not see women as “real” people like him. This will not get better.
It’s an insult to men everywhere to call this horrific behavior “guy talk,” and I feel like calling that helps you to avoid the truth of the matter. I’m not judging you — I understand. The reality is awful, and I can’t imagine how painful it is to find out that the man you married is borderline evil/a sociopath toward women.
I’m really sorry, OP, and I hope you find the strength to leave this marriage.
As a man, I can confirm that men don’t speak like this to each other. Boys do. He’s disrespectful.
OP, I’m worried about you. Your post history is concerning.
Your partner should never, ever call you names. His explosive anger, tendency to blame you for everything that goes wrong in his life, and the disrespectful way he speaks about women are all warning signs for abuse.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Your husband’s behavior is completely unacceptable. It would be a good idea to start making some boundaries and enforcing them (if you believe it’s safe to do so.)
Make a list of things your husband does and decide ahead of time how you will respond. For example, “If my husband calls me a bitch, I will leave my house and stay at a girlfriend’s place for the night.” In order to enforce that boundary, you have to leave EVERY SINGLE TIME he calls you a name. No exceptions.
Do you have any friends or family members you can confide in? People who will support you, lift you up, and respect your decisions? When you’re experiencing severe mistreatment, it can be really helpful to get an outside perspective from someone who loves you.
Please be careful.
I’m adding a link to a free pdf of a really great book about mistreatment, immaturity, and abuse in relationships.
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up
The hotline and Love is Respect are also really great resources:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/
https://www.thehotline.org/
My husband has a group thread with his close friends who are all divorced now. His friends send naked pictures of girls they hook up with and talk alot of shit to eachother and about sports and blah blah blah. I’ve skimmed through some of the thread a few times over the course of about 10years and couldn’t care less about any of it so I don’t even bother looking at it. I don’t feel disrespected that his friends degrade women or send pictures and my husband sees them because he doesn’t participate in that way. What I just mentioned isn’t the same as what your husband is doing.
If I skimmed my husband’s thread and found half of the things you mentioned coming from my husband I wouldn’t tolerate it! My stance on boundaries is clear and simple: we are grown-ups, if you want to be single and do single-man things, there’s the door! He’s saying enough foul comments that his friends question your relationship…
The fact your husband has made it clear he’d never leave the thread regardless how you feel about it is also the biggest red flag IMO. He cares more about the thread and talking like a single person than your feelings. Let that sink in.
He’s already proved he won’t tone it down. I’m sure if you make a big enough deal about it he’ll tell you he’ll stop but in reality he’ll just start hiding/deleting messages so you just won’t see them. He doesn’t respect you or your feelings in regards to his immature banter. PERIOD