Background: We both have degrees in very high paying fields. I’m the only provider of the household and have been for the entirety of our relationship besides maybe 2 months when I was transitioning jobs and she had a job for 4-6 months (her only job in her life). Before we graduated we both agreed we would work our butts off until we decide to have kids and if she wanted to, she could be a stay at home mom.
Every once in a while, I’ll let her know my job is really stressful and I either need more support in terms of encouragement or just time to unwind, which usually means a quiet, peaceful house or even time alone in another room. Or hey, if I’m feeling brave enough I might just tell her that I’d like for her to get a job. In the past she’s told me “every man works” or in the past, when I was depressed (I have a depression diagnosis) and all I asked her was for a hug, she pushed me away and said “I can’t handle you when you’re like this”. I also remember a couple months after I found my dad dead, I was crying in bed and she turned around and told me I was pathetic and just looking for sympathy. Maybe I’m just resentful.
The problem is every time I tell her how I feel in anyway, she either ignores it or breaks down and starts crying and tells me I’m being mean and vicious to her. And I mean the moment I tell her about how I feel, she stands there, looks down, starts shaking and has this blank stare in her face. Then when I ask her what’s wrong, what’s the matter? She starts crying, snot falling, I mean every single time snot starts running out of her nose. Like it’s kind of surprising how someone can cry the exact same way each time. Snot starts pooling on the counter, she falls down to the ground and starts rocking back and forth, shaking her hands, pooling of snot on the floor, pooling. I feel absolutely terrible, so every single time I tell her I’m sorry, I was too aggressive (I don’t know if I was I just assume I was). Several times I had to get in the shower with my clothes on just to comfort her. It’s really weird. I just realized it’s also really weird how it’s the EXACT same progression–blank stare, falls down the ground, snot falling.
When I start to ask her why she’s feeling so strongly, or try to talk she screams even louder and cries even louder and covers her ear and starts counting. Or if I say something that might sound mean like “why do you feel this strongly when I talk about my feelings? I just feel even worse” she’ll start to mutter while shaking back and forth “I’m faking, you think I’m faking. You think I’m trying to make you feel bad” she repeats it and starts shaking back and forth while her hands convulse.
I don’t know what to do. Should I ignore her? One time I ignored her, she screamed even louder and when I ignored that, she got a rope and tried to hang herself then called me to help her. Then she blamed me for being in the other room playing “games” as she was killing herself. WTF.
I really don’t know what to do. This stresses me out so much and I can’t even focus on my job because our issues never gets resolved. My home life is more stressful than my work and my work is really fucking stressful. Just so I don’t have to feel stress, I always comfort her and apologize after this. I know it’s selfish, but I have to be selfish in that instance otherwise I’ll go crazy. I just need to be able to relax.
I’ve offered to take her to counseling or give her the opportunity to talk to a counselor. We get free therapy/counseling sessions through my work’s health insurance.
I feel like my job is to just shut the fuck up, work, bring her money. This doesn’t even just apply to my feelings about my job, but my feelings about anything. How do I improve our communication?
​
TLDR; can’t talk about any problems with my wife, she falls down and cries hysterically, and has a mental breakdown, which I always apologize and comfort her and then the issue gets swept under the rug. WHAT DO I DO? How do I improve this?
10 comments
It’s time to divorce. Go straight to a lawyer to start the process, don’t even talk to her about it until you have good legal advice. There are only two possibilities, and they both require divorce and they both mean communication is impossible. Either she is an abuser, which looks like the most likely as this fits typical patterns of abuse or she is so deeply mentally unhealthy that she cannot interact with others or be in a relationship. In either case, you can’t ethically be with her, and in either case, you can’t work through this with communication.
That’s a great way to control the discussion, isn’t it. The message is, “I’ll fall apart if you tell me anything I don’t want to hear.” It forces you to discount her strength and value as a human being. You’re not doing her any favor by putting up with this.
Strongly suggest couple’s counseling.
Counseling for YOU. And yeah, u/sqitten has the right of it. This looks exactly like emotional abuse to me. If it isn’t, she’s years away from being able to be a good and healthy partner to someone, if she ever can be.
You can’t fix communication with someone who falls to the floor and screams every time you try to communicate with them. You just can’t. You don’t have that power.
I searched for the reason that you stay with your wife and didn’t find one. It sounds like the relationship doesn’t work for you at all. Even if you love her, that’s not a reason to stay married. You can love people who you do not live with.
I’m getting strong teenage vibes. Gotta say the probability of a snow day poster riding high on narrator fail, is pretty damn high.
I can’t say she’s doing it on purpose but this is a psychological way to keep you under control. Either you look for a couple therapist and work this out together or you divorce because if she doesn’t want to be a better partner (because everything you wanted was support and love and that is basic in any relationship) then that is your clue that she’s toxic and you need and deserve better.
It is up to you how much you’re able to work this out, because there is no shame in divorcing someone who brings you down and treats you poorly.
Couldn’t make it through the post.
Divorce her.
So, you have a dependent that provides nothing but anxiety to your relationship. You should end this and encourage your wife to get help while you’re on your way out the door. I think it’s pretty clear she’s not going to communicate her issues or get any help as long as she knows you’ll always be around as her ATM and emotional punching bag.
I’m sorry for the way you are feeling about this and know and understand what you are going through, as I have been through the same thing and it sucks big time. We posters can only give you advice, but ultimately you will need to decide what is best for you.
By doing what your wife does, does not solve anything at all. It makes her uncomfortable to speak about those issues, and i do agree that maybe she needs counseling to work out some underlying issues that are being brought out in your marriage. Marriage is hard work and you have to be willing to put everything you have into it. When one spouse shuts out how the other is feeling, it is one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially when you are the type of person that really does not talk about their feelings until it gets so bottled up, that you do nothing but explode, which also is not helpful at all.
Now I am not saying by any means that there have not been things that have been my fault, but when someone you are talking to does this, it does make you feel worse for even talking about your feelings and makes you not want to talk about your feelings, because you start to think that there is no point.
I have been told MANY times, almost anytime that I go to talk about my feelings, that I am told to shut up in so many words because she does not want to talk or hear about it and then starts getting so anxious, that she starts crying uncontrollably/screaming and hollering, etc, and it normally ends up into an argument, where I end up being the one apologizing for how I feel and trying to explain what I feel to her.
Dude, she’s doing it to manipulate you. Get out of that dumpster fire if a relationship.