I am cripplingly socially inept. My signs of autism were apparent as a young kid – flapping my hands, rocking, no eye contact, no verbal filter, could not stand touching, etc. and have only spiraled as I’ve hit teenage years, soon adulthood. I don’t like labeling myself with “because of autism,” but I know it contributes to most of my issues.
To preface, I function normally online and in my own head. I can speak eloquently and maintain a conversation online, I don’t have to think about it too hard. The only exception of real life is that I know I can present well, but that doesn’t necessarily require a two-way discussion.
But I’m not “empty.” I don’t feel loneliness or boredom from isolation, and down to my core, I don’t think I truly like people. But I need to function. I know that I need to be able to operate socially and normally and that’s just what it is. I don’t.
When it comes to talking to another human being, face to face, I physically cannot do it. I can’t hold a conversation if it’s not a heavy word-vomit exchange of information. It’s excruciating. I can’t understand what the fuck is going on. I can see the facial expressions change to judgement, or offense, but I don’t know why. I don’t even know how to start or continue a conversation. I keep being told I sound like I’m being abused. My voice is too soft, cracks, and nobody can make out what I’m saying. That I don’t sound confident or like I don’t have any self respect. That I sound like I’m in pain. I speak no more than a few words per day. So I try to correct this — then, I’m far too loud, obnoxious, angry, threatening, scary, rude. I can’t modulate my voice correctly. I can’t convey how I’m actually feeling. So every conversation I can actually hold, and I mean damn-near every single one, I do something wildly offensive and I never find out what it is I did wrong or how I got there.
So I guess what I’m asking is what I can do. I’m not trying to necessarily speak like a car-dealer with a bag of cocaine up his ass. I’m just looking to function, and blend in when I need to. But any advice or recommendation is greatly appreciated, so thank you for reading all of this.
2 comments
How does it goes when you interact with some one that lives with you ( assuming you don’t live alone ) ? Do you face the same issues?
OP, I read your other posts and saw that you have a boyfriend. If you are still with this guy, then please talk to him about your situation and ask him to help you by practicing speaking with him as if he was a stranger, and putting yourself in pretend situations. If not him, than a friend, or someone you know you can trust. Here is a bulleted list on other strategies to help yourself:
– Learn how to calm yourself down so that you can think clearly in these situations. I meditate daily, and I find it helps me to stay calm, even when in stressful situations. Find outlets for your stress, such as the gym, or activities you enjoy. If you notice yourself getting stressed, don’t panic and try to calm yourself down. Think of something that makes you calm and happy, and take deep breaths if you feel overwhelmed. If you have to do this in the middle of a conversation, do it. Just apologize and explain you get very nervous in social situations, and you are trying to get better. Many people I imagine would be sympathetic. However, you need to put yourself in stressful situations if you want to get better at dealing with them.
– Try to focus on as many things as you can without overwhelming yourself. Once you have those things down, work on other aspects of interaction, but take care not to forget what you learned. If you practice, and learn the right ways to do things, then I can assure you that you will do fine.
– Find resources on the internet that can teach you things like how to start and continue a conversation. Between Wikihow, Quora, Reddit, and Youtube, there is a vast amount of information that can help you.
– Do whatever feels less embarrassing for you until you improve. Between the two, I would personally use a quiet tone over being too loud. Shame is one of the most detrimental feelings, and being loud/obnoxious is more embarrassing (IMO) than remaining quiet. Until you improve, us a quiet tone, repeat yourself if necessary, and apologize for being shy. This will appease most people, and make them feel understanding. And when you improve, they will notice and they will be happy for you! Remember, talk more so that you improve.
Sorry this is long, and I hope this helps! I’m no expert, so please use the resources available to you to research more, especially about reducing stress, specifically stress in social situations. I think that would really help you. It also might be that you might need to see a therapist. They will definitely be able to help you. The last bit of advice I have is to try to channel your shortcomings as determination, and be very happy with yourself if you do something right. Positive reinforcement is the way to go! I’m rooting for you!