I’ve posted before and I need some advice , last time ppl didn’t really say much.
My (24 F) BF (22 M) and I have been together for 4 years.
He’s not close with his family and he’s never gotten into a reason why. I wanted to meet his parents because it’s been 4 years and we’re talking about marriage and kids and he’s already met my parents.
We showed up and sat down and he said Im his GF and he wants to marry me and have Babies with me. We’re interracial so his dad made a comment about interracial babies looking odd and said he’s not gonna support this.
My BF got up in his dads face and his dad told to take a step back but my BF didn’t listen and stepped closer towards him, his dad pushed him back really hard and he fell down to the floor. His mom didn’t even say anything.
He grabbed my hand and took me but before we left his dad said “aryun, your whole life is a secret, who knows anything about you, you show up with a girl you’ve known for 4 years that we didn’t even know about, I’m your father, i have raised you , I know nothing about you “
In the car I tried to apologize but all he said was “babe I’m not in the mood to talk right now; can you please be quiet “
I feel horrible for doing this, he just went to sleep after getting home and didn’t speak to me. Usually he’ll call me by my nickname “bunny” but he’s been calling me by my name. I miss being his bunny 🙁
TL;DR : my bf took to meet his family and he got pushed into the floor by his dad
42 comments
Maybe now you won’t force anyone to do anything just to fulfill your own *needs*.
Maybe he should have given you some further explanation about why he is not close to his family but knowing that already, I really don’t understand why you had to push that far to meet them. It’s your boyfriend you’re willing to marry, not his parents. Not everyone has a great relationship with their family and that’s ok. Maybe he already knew they wouldn’t “approve” the relationship, maybe he’s ashamed by their attitude, I don’t know.
Anyway, just leave him alone for now. You said you’re sorry, I think he’s heard it. You’ll talk about it when he’s calmed down and ready to discuss what happened. (I clearly would be mad at you too, to be fully honest and being quiet is the best thing you could do right now !)
Good luck !
Give him space. This is not about you or your feelings right now. He needs to process his emotions. You forced him to open up old emotional wounds, and now he’s dealing with the mental and emotional fallout. Stop being selfish and let him heal. Saying sorry isn’t what he needs right now. He needs you to respect his wishes.
I’ll honestly never get people like you, people that want to force their partners to get in contact with people they don’t speak to or open about trauma they aren’t willing to talk about, it’s one of the most jarring things to deal with having someone keep pushing you to either contact someone or open up about something you don’t want to talk about.
Did you force your own family norms onto this? “It can’t be that bad, it’s family afterall” You need to ask yourself this question: why didn’t you just trust his word for it? He is the guy you want to marry afterall, so I don’t understand why you would doubt him on this.
I hope you learned from it, because all you can do is give him space and let him talk to you when he wants
Get him a card and write an apology. You should now understand that you shouldn’t force people to do these things.
Tell him how you love him and how you were wrong.
Obviously he had his reasons for not introducing you to his family. You should have respected them and not have forced the issue.
You pushed him to do something he clearly did not want to do. You need to give him space.
This is not about you. Instead of whining that he isn’t calling you pet names maybe figure out how to apologize for forcing him into the company of abusive parents.
>Usually he’ll call me by my nickname “bunny” but he’s been calling me by my name. I miss being his bunny 🙁
Honestly, I doubt you’re even getting married any time soon. You need to work on being someone he can trust before worrying about pet names.
I’ve tried to type something that is kind a bunch of times, but I cannot be kind.
Your boyfriend is that, your boyfriend. You need to be understanding that he has a barrier put up between him and his “family”. Family is in quotes because they are jackasses (as you’ve discovered) and he wants nothing to do with them.
You are controlling and, apparently, give no shits about how he feels. That’s shockingly bad. You were so worried about yourself you stole his agency and made him do something that he didn’t want to do.
I hope he leaves you. At 24 you should be old enough to know this kid of thing. The fact you didn’t points to a level of emotional immaturity that means you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
There is a reason your bf didn’t introduce you to his parents, and I think you’ve just found out what that reason is.
They are assholes.
I went through a similar thing with my wife and it took her years to understand that I wasn’t ashamed of her, that in fact, I was ashamed of my biological family.
The most you can do at this stage is to let him gather his emotions while you quietly reassure him that you still love him.
When he’s ready to talk, you might want to suggest that you both never ever see them again.
You probably come from a nice family and just don’t know how goddamn shitty people can be.
You just learned the hard way why he does not talk to his parents and probably opened some old wounds for him too.
When someone pushes you to do something you don’t want to do and you tell them to stop but they keep it up you would be pretty pissed too. Learn to listen and accept peoples boundaries.
You have some apologising to do but don’t be surprised if the damage you did is permanent.
Don’t try to go outside of him to establish some relationship with these people. That would be a terrible betrayal. It doesn’t need fixing, it’s fine the way it is. Don’t force communication.
This is what happens when you both have shitty communication skills, AND you push someone to do something they tell you they don’t want to do just to satisfy your controlling nature. I’m betting you’re also pushing him about other things. Like marriage and kids.
Ease the fuck off. You’re both very young. Slow down. Spend some time learning how to actually communicate like adults.
Your boyfriend doesn’t have a relationship with his parents (probably because he doesn’t agree with their racism etc) but you felt the need to push him to meet up. Maybe respect his choice not to have a relationship with his parents?
Learn a lesson from this. If someone isn’t close with their family there’s probably a reason, so don’t force contact.
Did you get what you wanted out of this meeting? Are you satisfied with your actions?
I hope he dumps you. You sound insufferable. You’re more concerned about a fucking nickname than the fact that you forced your boyfriend to do something that he didn’t want to do and ended up with him getting physically hurt. Hope it was worth it. Maybe this will teach you to respect other people and their boundaries.
I…there’s so many things wrong with this entire thing and you end this post with how you’re upset that you’re not being called by a pet name?
>towards him, his dad pushed him back really hard and he fell down to the floor. His mom didn’t even say anything.
>He grabbed my hand and took me but before we left his dad said “aryun, your whole life is a secret, who knows anything about you, you show up with a girl you’ve known for 4 years that we didn’t even know about, I’m your father, i have raised you , I know nothing about you “
Now you know why he never took you to see his parents.
Did he tell you about his relationship with his parents before the visit? How they get along with yiur bf? How they might behave or react to his announcement?
I’m not going to shit on you the way other people are in the comments. It sounds like your bf is not very good at communication.
Just keep trying to be supportive and let him work through this.
You set yourself up for failure. He probably didn’t want to meet his parents becuase he knew how they’d react.
I guess I don’t understand. Did you ask your bf WHY he didn’t have a relationship with his parents? WHY he avoided introducing you?Because it seems a simple heart-to-heart convo could have avoided all this.
Honey, a good therapist can help you get to the root of your need to fix this. Your actions have harmed him. Apologize, give him space, work on yourself.
You *knew* they didn’t have a good relationship and you pushed anyways. Why?
Just give him the space he really needs.
There was a heavy reason why he didn’t introduce you to the parents and now it boiled over.
You didn’t know how bad it was, but you should have respected it and waited for him to really open up about it.
I feel bad for your BF and I hope the two of you will be okay after this. Just be there when he needs you and when he wants to talk about it, just listen
Life is not a romance novel. You can’t just go magically fix someone’s relationship with their family because you love their son. Wtf. You should have never pushed the boundary.
If you’re lucky you’ll work this out but you FUCKED UP big time.
It’s time to apologize and not cross his boundaries ever again. This was a stupid thing to do. It shows you do not trust him and you don’t know how to accept his feelings as valid. You said in a comment that you thought he was making a big deal out of it and it wasn’t going to be a big deal. That’s not accepting his feelings as valid.
If you really want to marry him you have to learn that both your feelings are important but how to compromise on it.
You need to understand what happened here. You forced him to engage with abusive family. I’m guessing you bullied him about it until he gave in I don’t know I’ll go read your other post. But if he can’t get support from his parents, and he can’t trust you to trust him enough to dictate his own relationships with his family as he sees fit, he’s probably wondering if his “picker” is off and he’s set himself up for more abuse and dismissal from you. You need to give him space. You need to apologize and let him know that you’re sorry for being an asshole and not understanding why he’s not close to them and didn’t want to interact. You need to promise you will take a backseat and he lead regarding any of his family, and you need to listen to him when he’s ready to talk instead of focusing on yourself or making it about you.
I think you both had really bad communication, I think he should have been honest and clear that the reason he doesn’t want you to meet his parents is because they are racist.
I think you shouldn’t have forced him to do something he clearly didn’t want to also I know you probably thought you were helping him or trying to make the relationship with his parents better sadly that didn’t happen.
I do think it will take time before he can trust you again also try cheering him up.
Sorry that happened to both of you, I hope you guys will be able to find a solution
The old saying
Fuck around; find out
He didn’t want you meeting them for a reason but you just had to ignore your man and force the issue. Now he’s been completely embarrassed in front of you and there’s a good chance the relationship with his parents is now worse when it was already rocky
Y’all fucked around; now you found out
I’m being totally honest here, don’t be shocked if he calls this off. This is a really bad situation and your relationship is in trouble…and your goofy ass is concerned he didn’t call you a pet name before bed
Good lord
Maybe next time he says he doesn’t want to do something…. Listen to him?
OP you don’t seem very introspective to put it as kindly as I can find the words for
You’re young, so I want to be more gentle than I’m about to be, but this is a tough love moment instead.
What you did was incredibly, horrifyingly wrong to your boyfriend. I come from an abusive family, and any partner who forced me to meet with them because they thought they knew what was best for me is someone I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with.
Your post and comments come off incredibly egotistical, condescending, and concerned only for yourself. You ripped open your boyfriends old wounds, got him assaulted by his father, and all you’re concerned with is that your no longer being called by your pet name because it comforts YOU?
What about your boyfriend’s comfort? His safety and security? You violated all that because you thought you knew best.
You aren’t concerned one bit about him. It’s all about you. I really wouldn’t be surprised if he ends things with you, and honestly, based on how you’re acting, I 100% think he’s right to do so.
You really need to grow up and learn emotional empathy for others if you want to be in a healthy relationship. You seem to have it for yourself in spades – learn how to have it for others.
OMG. You are the worst.
You made a situation about yourself when it should be about your boyfriend.
He wasn’t comfortable doing something and you forced him to do it. It is NOT YOUR PLACE TO DEFINE HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS PARENT.
Take god damn rose color glasses off next time and realize not everyone is blessed with a healthy relationship with their family.
You are so selfish. Even after witnessing everything, you somehow still try to make it about yourself. Give him space, and pray to god he doesn’t choose to leave you for crossing a boundary he wasn’t comfortable doing – because I know if I was in his place, I would have been done with this relationship.
How many times have we seen someone force their partner to see parents they clearly want no contact be forced into contact? Now your bf is suffering because you couldn’t respect that boundary. And instead of thinking how you can support your bf as he recovers from his father’s abuse, you’re upset he’s not calling you by a pet name?! Please let this be creative fiction because if not, you really need to reflect on why you keep prioritizing your feelings over your bf’s even when he is recovering from trauma.
I understand that you feel your intentions were good but it just screams lack of respect for his boundaries. If you were to say no to something I’m sure you would hope your partner listened and respected that.
You sound very immature. Do yourself and your boyfriend a favour: do not get married. You’re not ready.
This is your sign that you two are nowhere near ready to be married or have kids.
The only advice I have for you two is that once enough time passes, you both need to communicate more.
Your wanting to meet his parents does not really outweigh what sounds like he had very good reasons to not introduce you. You forced him to do something he didn’t want
You should feel terrible. That’s good. Now stop making it about yourself. Once he gets enough time and wants to talk, apologize profusely and start talking about what he should’ve told you. That you realized in order for BOTH of you to be more serious, you need to work on communication.
He should’ve told you “hey babe my parents are racist and abusive so no, I don’t really want to do that. ”
If you knew this and still pressured him. Red flag on your part.
Going through your Comments, you are not ready for Marriage. He told you about the Abuse and explained to you why he didn’t want to meet his parents.
But you thought it wasn’t so bad?. You didn’t take this trauma serious. And how ever naive you are. Who are you to decide how bad or serious his trauma is when he is the one suffering?. You don’t trust your Fiance. A relationship without trust won’t last.
Give him space. My SO says don’t poke the bear. He’s upset, really upset, fortunately not at you . He defended you to his family. I don’t think you want him mad at you, so leave him be till he wants to talk about it. You wanted to meet his family, he knew what they were like but he hoped they would behave politely. He was wrong.
I love these posts. Privileged kids from happy families, casually having to learn that real life ain’t a happy Superbowl-commercial
You need to realize you have been incredibly toxic and selfish.
You made him contact his family when he gave off all the warning signs of abuse.
He was abused. Horrifically. Enough to abandon his family. That bastard attacked him in front of his fiancee without a second thought.
Now imagine that man as a father.
Do you realize the gravity of what you just did now?
All of that until the day he left home when that monster WAS A YOUNG MAN.
He is likely going to have personality issues for weeks now because you forced him to traumatize himself for you.
Never bother him about this ever again unless it’s ONLY to push for therapy.
You pushed him into doing something he did not want to do. He did it to satisfy your demands and you found out why he didn’t want to do it. Maybe he’s distant because he’s trying to figure out if he wants to stay with someone who forces him to do things he doesn’t want to do.
Me me me me me I I I I mine mine mine mine
Can you be any more self centered? Hell you can’t can’t admit that you were the one who fucked up here, you cause the entire situation and YOU refuse to even acknowledge that it was your own fault. You’re everything that everyone has called you, selfish, conceded, uncaring, narcissistic, all of the above, you’re a 24 year old fucking woman not a child, stop acting like it, grow the fuck up, acknowledge your mistakes, and stop making everything about you before you completely tarnish your relationship, but honestly at this point I wouldn’t even blame him for leaving because you clearly don’t realize how self centered you are.
Now you know why it took 4 years to meet them. Give him his space and tell him you’ll never ask to see them again but if he wants to try you’ll support him despite the racism. You’ll be bunny again in no time.