This is going to be long. Please bear with me.
Just to provide some background info, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years and I moved in with him to New York since he was a marine and most of our relationship was spent long distance, I’m originally from California. I’m also a student at a university here in New York as well. Last weekend was the worse argument we had so far, it consisted of him name-calling me and yelling in my face, and telling me that he can kick me out anytime he wants to. I won’t lie, I started the argument mainly because I was being an asshole but throughout the argument I just stayed quiet, trying not to escalate the situation. This isn’t the first argument we had where he threatened to kick me out, but the last few times were fueled by his drinking problem. Actually, all of our arguments started with him drinking.
Ok.. here is the actual story.
These past couple of days my boyfriend started speaking softly to someone who he was playing Valorant with. Usually, when he plays with his friends he plays rough and shoots shit, etc, however, this wasn’t the case. Last night, I started to grow suspicious. He kept smiling and laughing in a way he wouldn’t do to his male friends he plays with regularly. I was also high so I kept thinking maybe I’m just being paranoid.
Today, my cat woke me up at 7 am on the dot because she was hungry. My boyfriend was still asleep since he got off Valorant pretty late last night. I had a very strong feeling to check his phone so I gave in and went through it. I never check his phone mainly because I respect his privacy, but he has been snappy with me and the way he’s been acting gave me a good reason to check his phone.
I haven’t found anything on his apps, but I decided to check discord just cause. I found a username that strangely stood out to me compared to the others, so I went into the chat and scrolled through it. My heart sank to my stomach when I realized he was flirting with a girl. He was calling her pretty, he sent her an old shirt-less pic of him (he’s fat now) and called her his “good luck” charm on Valorant and will play late for her. Honestly, what pissed me off the most is that he was calling MY cat, HIS cat, and showing this girl pictures of MY cat. I didn’t stop there. I clicked on her profile and realized she was 18. I scrolled to the start of the chat and realized they started talking for a few days. I screenshotted the pictures on his phone, sent them to myself, and deleted the pictures I sent to myself on his chat and his photo album.
This, including the intense argument we had last weekend, made me realize that I don’t deserve this, and I want out of this relationship. It’s going to be extremely hard to go through with this mainly because I built something for myself here in New York and I really can’t afford an apartment here since I go to school full-time and work, and how much I invested with my boyfriend. I basically threw everything away for him.
Oh.. and get this. He’s the one who suspects me of cheating, mainly because he’s been cheated on in his past few relationships but all that I literally do is go to work, go to school, go on TikTok and watch cat videos, and go to the gym.
I texted my dad and we talked on the phone about the situation and said I can always move back to California. I’m still in school and I have 3 more months left until summer break but I need to get out as soon as possible and I want to bring my cat with me.
Please, any advice would help.
TLDR: Caught my boyfriend flirting, I need to move out of New York and go back to California but I’m in college and I work.
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EDIT: I forgot to mention this but he owns a house with HIS name on it that I’m currently living in along with his family. I can’t talk to his family members about this because they speak Spanish while mine is limited. However, I gave my dad my boyfriends moms contact since my dad speaks Spanish so that he can inform her about what’s going on once I give my dad the green light.
I also want to thank you all for the amount of support I’m getting. I’m completely numb right now and I’ve actually contacted the girl he spoke to and informed her about the situation, to which she happily cooperated and agreed to stop talking to him. However, This isn’t his first time having a strange liking for young girls. It’s hard to not confront him and let him know, that I know. He’s starting to suspect whats going on so I will try to update you guys on the situation as frequently as possible. Right now, he just took his car keys and left without saying anything. I don’t care anymore.
7 comments
he sent her an outdated photo, which probably means he has no intention of meeting face to face. But that still makes him a cheater and what he did hurtful.
The way he talks at you is abusive. You being most upset about him claiming the cat as his is the most telling about your relationship. If you can’t handle living together for the next 3 months, then look for a friend that will you to couch surf or see if you can finish out the semester online and go home.
If you’re studying in New York you might be better off talking to your college to see if there’s any accommodation you can move into for a few months. If possible, try to finish your school year before moving home. That would also give you a few months to plan how you’ll get there, maybe save up some money to help pay for the move.
Whatever you do, try to avoid letting him know you’re planning to leave. You don’t want to give him the opportunity to kick you out before you’ve got somewhere else to stay.
And if you ever start to doubt your decision to leave, remind yourself that he’s an alcoholic who’s already made threats to you. You need to leave for your own safety.
he’s projecting that cheating thing back on you.
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but seriously, this dude seems like he’s not the one for you, and you should just cut and run. You’re not going to suddenly get happy with him.
I leave my phone unlocked so my wife can look whenever she wants, but she doesn’t because we trust each other.
He obviously has a thing for young impressionable girls. You are becoming more and more your own person everyday. So he swoops in on his next target.
Firstly he can’t kick you out. He or the landlords would need to go through the eviction process and have you served.
Secondly, whatever you are paying for, stop paying. Immediately. Get a P.O. Box and change your mailing address for your school, work and financial institutions to the P.O. Box. Then put a hold on your apartment mail for at least 3 months. They will hold your mail so you still have proof of address but your boyfriend can’t mess with your mail this way.
Then speak with your school about housing options. Someone is always looking for a roommate. You’ll get something. Register for your fall classes (online only) to get the in state tuition. Then when summer hits head back home to Cali. Change your mail forwarding to your home state. Close your P.O. Box and have that mail forwarded, too.
You can sort out transferring schools at that point if you need to.
Go to CA. Go to your support system. Your BF is not trustworthy at all. So glad you talked to your Dad about this.
He groomed you young and he’s moved on to someone younger and meeker because you’ve stopped taking his shit. The unwitting affair partner is in for a surprise when she finds out that he doesn’t have a cat and that he doesn’t look like the photo he sent. Also completely unsurprising that he’s projected his cheating onto you. What a piece of shit he is.
Do you have any friends you could stay with for a few months?
A lot of people who cheat start out by accusing their partner cheating, even if it seems really out of context.
Go home for a while. Everything is retrievable education everything you can finish up Where are you go. You need to start fresh and be someplace safe for your loved. So take that cat get in a car rent a car and drive to California. Put whatever you can in there and get out of there and good luck to you. He’s a cheater. And I swear from what I’ve seen this is the beginning of the end, no matter what he begs, or promises you.