Could use some advice, I (M,28) started to build a more close friendship with E (F,23). I have no idea how these things work.

I figured I would ask for advice because I have no idea how letting people close works, along with healthy boundaries, normal contact and all that.

I had a bad childhood and am working on that really hard and this is the newest thing in my life. I always kept friends at a distant but E seems to break through that.

I freaked out at first and we split. Then I learned and we met up again 8 months later. She had been through a breakup and a romantic situation that didn’t work out. I listened and held her for about 3 hours. We also cuddled slightly on her bed but I felt it was wrong because she was extremely vulnerable and left (in a friendly respectful manner).

I was happy because I thought we could build things up again, she figured we would see each other every now and then and I didn’t her much from her (as I have her space).

I was kinda freaking out in between but ignored everything because I thought last time I became too much so now I just don’t do anything. Well, I spoke up and we talked about it and we went for a friendship. I apparently also decided that developing feelings was a good idea and did that (which we spoke about and she rejected me).

Suddenly we talk a lot more while she is abroad and shares very personal stories/moments with me (crying, saying she is happy we did this again, being happy I trust her so much now). Then I tried to open up and mentally blocked and we hung up. I asked 45 mins later if we could call again as I felt more ready but she didn’t have the room for it.

Now my brain is freaking out. Because I don’t know what’s right to do and if this a normal situation.

We stopped texting a lot. She seems less lonely and met someone there to spend a lot of time with (and she has feelings for) and maybe that’s what’s up. I feel rejected and used but don’t want to push it anymore. And don’t want to show my vulnerability anymore as my body pulls back from her. But I have no idea if that’s a normal response or not. I want to speak up but anything I say feels like I’m being too much and I just don’t feel like it. And another part of me screams I must do something and open up. So I’m stuck.

I don’t want to mess it up. For me, for her. I just don’t know what’s sensible. It feels like I fell in that trap again of avoidant and anxious (me) attachment. But it also feels different this time. I can’t calm my mind and body down completely. Enough to function but it keeps asking for attention. Like something’s wrong, but, there isn’t. Or is there?

What do you think?

TL;DR: Someone came close again. We talked a lot and about personal things and I started to care again. I have very big difficulties with that because of my upbringing. Now they show some distance and I feel rejected and used. I have no idea if what I feel is normal and what I should do.