My boyfriend and I were together for two years, until one day out of the blue, after spending a few weeks in the country his family is from, he realized he didn’t see us spending the rest of our lives together. He was completely devastated and was crying like I’ve never seen before, meanwhile I was in utter shock, I couldn’t believe this was happening. He begged me not to shut him out of my life, and to stay good friends. I don’t want to sound like I’m over-idealizing him, but when I think of what I want in a husband, he is it. He’s kind, incredibly loving, fun, and has a huge heart. We never ran out of conversation, he was my soulmate, my best friend.
About a year into the relationship, he had made it pretty clear that he would be proposing someday and that we would settle down and have children. Over the summer, he took me to his native country and we also visited my family in europe. We had an amazing time meeting each others’ extended families, and it really solidified our relationship.
Apparently he’s been thinking about breaking up for months now, and as much as he loves me, we just come from different cultures and that’s a problem for him.
Being from different cultures never seemed to bother his family, and they treated me like I was one of their own. They took me on family vacations, invited me to birthdays, invited me to spend the holidays with them, etc, and always told me I had become family to them. I spoke to his mom a week after the breakup and she told me she felt as though her son was going through a mid-life crisis, but that he will come to his senses, to just be patient, and that she still loves and cares for me.
We are both Christian and speak 3 native languages in common, which I thought was enough to make us culturally compatible. He was raised in the U.S. by a liberal family, but deep down I think his dad must have raised him to be a traditional Arab man who would carry on the family legacy. I told him that I was willing to learn Arabic and I didn’t have any issue spending extended vacations in said country and raising our children in his culture, but I guess that wasn’t enough. It’s just not in my blood.
Today, two months after the breakup, he came to me saying that he made the biggest mistake he’s ever made, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said that after all, his mom is only a quarter Arab (she doesn’t even speak arabic and she knew very little about X country’s culture until she got married), and all of his non-blood related family members aren’t arab either, so he was wrong for thinking marrying within his culture is the right thing to do.
If I take him back, will those feelings come to haunt us eventually, or can he really grow out of this idea? I miss him so much, I really thought we were soulmates, and our relationship was amazing, but I’m scared that he’ll decide he really does want to move back/marry within that culture years down the line, and that I will have wasted my child bearing years.
Any advice is welcome!!
4 comments
You don’t have to take him back.
But if you do, you don’t have to pick up where you left off. You’re allowed to say that you have to start at the beginning again, and he has to win you over.
If that seems like too much trouble for him, and he feels entitled to have what he gave up, then he’s not the one, sis.
You need couples therapy to answer some of these questions, to even ask the right ones.
Really.dont understand what was his issue..culture?. All his family loves you.
Are you sure it is culture he is afraid of, or maybe he is worried about something else, you’re not the one, he is not ready for marriage or he is a closeted gay.
Sounds to me like he met someone else while in his home country and when it didn’t work out he came crawling back. I’d have serious reservations about going back if I were you.
The weird “mid-life crisis” comment from his mom makes me wonder if she knows more than she’s letting on.