My bf and I are going through an extremely rough patch. I have been trying to forgive him for disloyalty but it’s been hard and we argue daily. We have been together for 3 years and I started to noticed that he is not the brightest nor emotionally intelligent.
I am not in the U.S., I am in the Caribbean so race is kind of a weird-ish topic. My boyfriend is white Caribbean and also hispanic. His mother is light skin hispanic but the rest of the family is white. I am dark skin black. His family’s generation and their associates are known as the “white islanders”. They are usually wealthy, all date within each other’s circle and were once slave owners on the island. While not all of the white islanders are racist, it is evident that darker skinned people are not their first choice. A certain group are known for even throwing away their cups if a black person uses it. I have had many instances growing up where I was made fun of for my skin color. Thankfully, my mother instilled that black is beautiful from a young age so while I was never insecure, the thought that people MAY be racist always lived in my head, especially if I am the only one in the space.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating, my social anxiety was at an all time high. I was extremely nervous to be around his family and would sometimes refuse to get out of the car because of this thought it the back of my head. I would shake and hyperventilate and eventually got on meds to calm down. At social events, my thought would always be “I am the only black person here” and would be uncomfortable. I was the only white person at my corporate job as an intern once and I felt the same way. I never really shared this with anyone besides my therapist because it has just been something that I always think about.
Eventually, his mom and I got super close and I warmed up to his family and started hanging out more. My mom has a friend who is a cleaning lady and happened to be cleaning for his family once. I guess that I came up and the lady said to his mother that I am a very nice and smart girl and that she shouldn’t worry about my “color”. His mother assured her that their family is not racist. This always was in the back of head because obviously my color is something that one would think is worrying?
Anyways, flash forward to tonight when were having a few drinks and of course started arguing. I had a mere sip of mine and he was slightly tipsy at this point. He brought up the past and mentioned something about me being weird for not wanting to come out the car into his family’s house when we first started dating. I said well yeah I was nervous just in case your family was … and he finished the sentence by shouting “ RACIST?? YOU JUST CALLED MY FAMILY RACIST??”. He said he knew it all along. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t say his family was racist but this is something, as a black person you always have in your mind ( especially given the history on the island). He started going completely wild saying that he’s done with me for calling his family racist and he always knew I thought that. I kept trying to calmly explain to him that the source of my initial anxiety was that but I have gotten to know his family and seen that they are not. I tried to change his perspective by telling him what the cleaning lady said and tried to show him that race is a big factor. Big mistake. This set him off even more and he started to call my mom crazy and it just escalated completely. I was bewildered at the misunderstanding and just started to break down. He kept twisting my words and I eventually gave up. We got home and he took a few things and left and said he’s never coming back to my home.
I have seen this relationship at its end for a while now so I guess that’s it but I just want to hear an unbiased opinion. Am I in the wrong here?? Should I have worded what I said differently?
TLDR: I am black, my boyfriend is white. When we first starting saying 3 years ago I had extreme social anxiety to be around his family in case they were racist. He brought it up again and I explained to him my thought process and he said I called his family racist and that he was done with me. Am I in the wrong here?
13 comments
You’re not in the wrong. Like you said, he’s not emotionally intelligent. It’s normal to be uncomfortable going into a situation where you feel like an outsider, and adding race to the situation is obviously going to make it even more stressful.
He sounds really privileged for never having had to think about race, and he had the opportunity to learn from your experience but he chose not to. It sounds like he was sensitive about it and went looking for an answer he wanted to hear.
You should be able to talk openly with your partner about your experiences. That’s something you can look for in your next relationship.
People are nervous meeting in-laws, potential in-laws and their partner’s families all the time. They are new people that you want to leave a good impression with. Race, religion, social status — all those things add extra stress. If your bf does not understand that, he is dense.
Almost everyone is racist to some extent when they have grown up in a multiple race/class society.
It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to be angry with you. I think he wanted to end the relationship, but wanted a way to make you look bad. He twisted your words so much, it feels deliberate.
This right here is one of the main reason black woman stick it out with black men. What’s understood never has to be explained… That being said, maybe try to have a real conversation when he’s sober. It’s obvious from his reaction that he was hurt back then and holding it in.
Your anxiety is very relevant and you should have explained it from the gate. You not articulating Black issues that stem from Black trauma to your SO so that he can help you navigate it is a problem. You can’t NOT stalk about race and racial issues in a multi cultural relationship.
It definitely sounds like he was purposely twisting your words and making a mountain out of mole hill. You said that you felt the relationship was at its end. Perhaps he felt that too and wanted to break up but wanted to be justified in doing so.
You navigated around some tough nuanced stuff and he seems not to have much tolerance to acknowledge the truth of it. I am not sure though if that is what was going on under the outburst. I think he probably has some guilt and denial about his bad behavior and it’s coming out weird? Either that or he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be a supportive partner so he is aggressively pushing away your concerns and blaming you for it.
he’s not wrong.
you figured they were white so they may be racist…which is actually a racist thought.
but at the same time as having that realization, your relationship was sinking as well. there are ways to hear that statement from your gf and not be offended by it, and instead seeing her point of view (especially with the situation on the island).
but he chose to make it an issue , probably because he doesn’t see a point in saving the relationship.
so give it up and let it go. break up and go be with someone else who doesn’t give you social anxiety to the point that you need meds or a therapist.
It sounds like he isn’t sensitive enough to understand your perspective of the world. Your anxiety comes from your lived experiences and if he were more empathetic, he would be more understanding of that.
I’m sorry that happened to you. He was twisting your words and being manipulative. Did you mention he was unfaithful in your post? I think you used the word disloyal, but I wasn’t sure if that’s what you meant. If he was and he acts like this when you try to discuss your anxiety about race in your society, he just doesn’t sound like a very empathetic person.
I’m still learning this lesson… we women deserve so much more than we settle for. Let this dude go. He sounds immature, callous, and exhausting.
He set you up for that argument so he’d have an excuse to dump you without feeling like the bad guy.
He knew this relationship was going to end sooner or later, he just wanted it to end on *his* terms. If you’d worked up the courage to dump him when you should have, he’d be The Guy Who Got Dumped for Disloyalty. Now, in his mind, *you* are The Girl Who Got Dumped for Hating His Family. Yay for him! He gets to walk away feeling like he “won” the breakup. At least temporarily.
In the long run, it doesn’t really matter. He was wrong for you, and now you’re free of him. He knows, deep down, why the relationship *really* fell apart, and he can’t un-know it just because he came up with a flimsy excuse to argue with you. Take the win and walk away with your head held high.
He’s socially oblivious if he thinks that every PoC has to give every white person the absolute benefit of the doubt to the point of supressig anxiety (that you have no control over anyway). If you’re getting burned over and over again for something out of your control, you develop anxiety. He doesn’t understand that the fact that racism is so widespread has consequences for everyone, also in the way that white people are not always trusted to not be racist from the start.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Didn’t call the family racist, just had understandable emotional reaction to the possibility of being judged by your skin color. And you dealth with it and got close to the family anyway. He was obviously looking for an excuse to blame you for the breakup. Block him and forget him.
The way he instantly jumped the shark and repeatedly accuses you of something you never said; methinks he has some issues to work over himself…..
Yes, you were wrong. You are judging people based on generalized history.
You definitely need some work with a therapist because you are imposing fears and anxiety from your own mind onto people who have not given you reason for alarm.
Not in the wrong at all. When people are more afraid to be called racist than to be racist, they’re not safe to put in your intimate circle as a Black person. He didn’t even listen to you long enough to hear that you were only voicing (completely reasonable) anxieties, not making accusations. Sorry you went through that.