My (26F) boyfriend (26M) has been battling depression since he was a child. He grew up in a toxic/emotionally abusive household and struggles with the repercussions of that.
We have been together 3 years and recently moved into our first apartment without roommates, and I’m seeing signs of his depression worsening. We have a very healthy, easy relationship generally (speak to one another respectfully, never yell, laugh a ton) we are best friends. Lately it seems like the problems are piling up because they can’t be approached due to his mental health.
I guess primarily I’m asking for advice on how to help him. He desperately needs therapy but has promised and not followed through, has made every excuse, yet still expresses that he knows he needs it. He is overwhelmed and feels hopeless about his mental health improving.
Lately his habits have become worrisome. Little to no exercise, drinking more, staying up all night playing games, no contact with friends, easily triggered etc. If I approach these concerns, it seems to just reinforce his inner belief that he is a worthless disappointment. (I want to add that he isn’t manipulative at all when we discuss this. He tries to reassure me in these moments but I can see him shutting down and it often leads to a deeper depressive episode in the following days).
The other issue I’m struggling with is my position in our relationship. I feel incredibly lonely. My once warm and engaged partner is now distant and disconnected. He doesn’t touch me unless I ask, he doesn’t seem like he’s *here* when we spend time together. Discussing mundane things like household/work related topics is getting to be difficult, let alone more intimate ones. It feels so one sided and while I don’t necessarily blame him, depression can be a real demon, I can’t help but feel resentful that he won’t seek help.
I’ve offered to help with the payments, I’ve sat him down and told him how I feel and tried to ask how he feels. I know his words are more to appease me and less from his heart. I just don’t know how to be supportive anymore. I love him so much. I’m concerned we’ve reached a dynamic that is based around his depression and my concern.
Any advice is appreciated, thank you.
TL;DR Boyfriend struggles with depression and won’t seek help
4 comments
This is a really rough situation. If I were you I’d ask for help from others. Friends of his, anyone who is significant in his life. Maybe if you team up to tell him something needs to change he will get it. Also, maybe it’s not the worst idea to just book a therapist appointment for him and kinda sorta put him on the spot so that he has to go. Drive him there. Make not going the harder option.
At the end of the day you can’t MAKE him try though. If you’ve had several conversations about it, about how it affects your relationship, about how important it is, and he STILL doesn’t want to then you also have to accept that. You’re not a therapist and you cannot cure him. You also need to take care of yourself.
I would offer to make phone calls to set up an appointment for him. He might need to physically be there to verify you can speak on his behalf, but it would still make it easier. I’d also make it clear to him that not getting help is no longer an option, as his mental health is hurting him and also endangering the relationship, and it needs to be worked on quickly while there is a still a chance to turn things around.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
He knows what he has to do to fix the situation, but he chooses not to do it.
Absolutely nothing more you can do here.
Try a spiritual solution, starting with yourself xx