hi all, I’m a 25 year old gay male who is also 400 pounds, who thanks to my own actions in life has knows nothing but the four walls of my bedroom in my mothers house for the last eight years or so. as you can imagine i don’t work, or go anywhere, so i have plenty of time to just sit and think, and after several 3 a.m. crying sessions over the last years I’ve finally realized and accepted i was the problem.
i think I’m severely emotionally stunted and to put a estimate on it, id say I’m 25 and act and think at most like an eleven year old starting middle school. i do not meet society’s expectations of social behavior for someone within my age range. some problematic behaviors i exhibit are that i simply cant be disagreed with or criticized. whenever met with the slightest resistance or disagreement i feel attacked and will respond with name calling, yelling, cursing, or threatening people. if I’m online when this happens because people usually don’t know what i look like i get mistaken for a child trolling quite often and people refuse to believe I’m a full grown adult acting like this. I can hold a grudge for an infinite amount of time over something as simple as someone looking at me wrong and may even want to get violent over it. I react disproportionally to situations and have a tendency to express emotions without restraint and become very unhinged. i have a hard time considering others feelings and wants its all about me and when i want something, i want it now and exactly how i pictured it in my head.
i have also been delayed in forming relationships or finding intimacy which really hurts me the most. i am a 25 year old virgin and never had 1 friend either. also due to all this other parts of my brain suffer due to functioning on a lower level. my sense of reasoning and cognitive ability are limited. i have a hard tie learning new things, feel dumb etc.
I’m considering therapy but i don’t trust them anymore because my last ones were very mentally abusive towards me and called me names like dumb, the r word, and basically told me i would amount to nothing. i also question why i never matured or developed social skills in the first place like everyone else and think maybe this is permanent, which scares me. i also have been like this so long to the point where this behavior feels like a part of me on a deeper level and I’m attached to it and feel as if its too late to try and change.
43 comments
I would seriously consider giving therapy another shot.
>I’m considering therapy but i don’t trust them anymore because my last ones were very mentally abusive towards me and called me names like dumb, the r word, and basically told me i would amount to nothing.
I don’t believe this for a second.
I acknowledge that admitting this and putting it out there probably took a lot of courage and I congratulate you for seeking help. I also had a bad experience with a therapist but they aren’t all like that. To me it sounds like therapy is definitely worth another shot. You are also very self aware of these strifes and should make some SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely) goals to get better. Nothing anyone says here will flip a magic switch that will make things okay
I think you need to try therapy again. Your behavior is immature (especially the lashing out, name calling, etc), and you seem to realize that, so time to work on getting yourself right. Professional help will go a long way.
As for weight-hit the gym and work on eating well. Start slow and work your way up. Consult a professional here as well, or do your research from reputable sources. As your body changes, you may find your moods and confidence do as well.
As far as socialization, it’s also time to jump in. Don’t stay online all the time. Get out there and do something-anything. A club, special interest, meetup group, whatever. Have you tried going to gay bars? I’ve been to many (bi woman dating a bi man) and it’s always been a great time.
You’ll be ok if you follow through! Make yourself a plan and some measurable, attainable goals and get started.
It’s never too late. 25 is still really young.
Growth and learning is perpetual over the course of a lifetime
I’m gonna recommend exercise, but for emotional regulation instead of weight loss. I also have a lot of anger and defensiveness, and I find it extremely helpful to channel those feelings into an aggressive cardio workout. Since I have agoraphobia, I started out by playing Beatsaber in my room, which eventually built my confidence to start attending martial arts classes in person.
It’s more important to be consistent than to overdo it all at once, because if you push too hard you’ll end up hating it and quitting. I recommend searching “10 minute cardio workout” on YouTube and starting with those. Even just a little workout will noticeably raise your mood and lower your defensiveness. You’ll start seeing emotional results before you even see bodily results!
Honey hang in there. I’m a mom of two gay sons (30 & 32). It can be daunting how people react to you being gay. They can be judgmental and less than kind. You are going to be ok.
I think your immature behavior is a defense mechanism. Nobody likes criticism. You feel defensive and it’s hurtful so you strike back. You can change this.
First things first. You say you’re up to 400 pounds. Your diet may be contributing to a negative mindset. I am not able to eat carbohydrates, especially sugar, or I become negative, self-pitying, remorseful, super depressed, and anxious. Like I just want to stay in bed and brood. If I stay away from rice, wheat, potatoes, grains, and anything that contains sugar I feel so much better about myself. When I’m eating well I also feel able to get some exercise. Walking gives a sense of peace, well-being and clears and opens my mind. Start with this, take it one day at a time. Find a good a good therapist that can point you to some positive steps to take.
Remember, you are amazing and wonderful! You will get through this.
25 is still very young you have plenty of time to create a change for yourself! When you start feeling better about yourself and umpacking your traumas you will have more confidence to start socializing. But in order for this to happen you have to actually WANT change and actually DO it. I would definitely start with seeing a therapist and choosing one thing about yourself that you would like to improve aside from socializing. Change will be hard and uncomfortable but stick with it and you will truly see growth.
>i also question why i never matured or developed social skills in the first place like everyone else and think maybe this is permanent, which scares me.
I looked at your post history, you mentioned that you’re diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder but think it is a misdiagnosis, since you never had hallucinations or delusions. Have you looked into the traits of autism? There’s some overlap with schizoaffective disorder. If it is your antipsychotics that make you gain weight then changing medications or going off them (under the instructions of a doctor) might help you become more physically active and fit.
Well, regardless of any disorder, there are skills that you can improve. Social deficits just mean that you have to put in a lot more effort than others.
Good job on taking the first step!
If you are looking for emotional stability, look at the benefits exercise has on emotional resilience
I am a 25 year old female that was wildly misguided and let down by the adults in my childhood. Though I did experience the outside world I was also left to destroy my reputation and learn from the consequences of my own mistakes. I want you to know that there is hope. The fact that you are self aware and show concern over your situation shows that you have so much potential to grow as a person. In fact, becoming self aware and reaching out on here is progress in itself. Therapy sounds like a good option for you, I promise not all therapist will treat you poorly, and if they do, keep looking until you find one that fits your needs. I also matured way later than my peers. It was scary being an adult who didn’t know how to adult what so ever, I just had to expose myself to the real world and sometimes it was embarrassing and scary but you start to learn how to navigate your life. The difference between being stuck where you are and getting to where you want to be is acknowledging the situation, which you have done, now you need to take action. It is hard at first but life is so much better once you start to make changes for the better. ❤️
No offense but reddit isnt exactly helping. Self love and confidence are about finding value but its up to you to make a change. If you just want a few hours of pity validation okay cool you’ll find it here. But if you want reality only you can do that and you have to do it every day.
Heres a question I was asked in therapy that blew my mind. Who are you without your trauma? You seem to base your whole identity around the things that are “wrong” with you. Imagine that you didn’t have any of your current problems… who are you? You won’t be able to let go of your problem based identity until you create something underneath it. What do you like? What are you good at? What are you interested in? Explore some hobbies. Use some of your free time to do online charity. Liking yourself morally is a good place to start building back some self esteem.
I would suggest starting by changing your lifestyle in realistic ways, I think that you will get major results just from that–both living a lifestyle that is all around healthier, and also the discipline required for even basic lifestyle change will be extremely good for you.
Off the top of my head I would suggest:
– Go out almost every day for a walk, maybe something productive. Time in nature is important. Specifically what you do isn’t important as long as it is something basically good.
– Eat healthier. Make sure you cover your macronutrients, eat good amounts of veggies/legumes/fruits. Have more whole foods, less processed foods. Switch most of your carbs over to healthier forms like sweet potatoes, quinoa, etc. (There’s a wide range.) Make sure you get enough calories. Have more calories earlier in the day, less as the day goes by. Don’t eat rancid foods (oils, nuts, etc). Read ingredients lists and read about nutrition from a range of sources.
– Exercise. Start small, main priority is to get the blood flowing and feed your brain.
– Read self help books, do exercises.
– Join interest-based communities. An ideal is something that is relatively local, has both an online and in-person component. Within reason, be upfront about the challenges you are working on. Be prepared that not every group may be able to work with those challenges, but the more progress you make the better that will get.
It sounds like you are really insightful about yourself. You’re certainly not dumb.
It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge our shortcomings. You did that!
So now really examine the areas of your life in which you feel deficient. You’ve done that too. Social skills, love and intimacy, hobbies, physical health. Perhaps your living arrangement.
Ok cool so now direct your intention at each one of these areas. Some will take priority. You’ve figured that out. You need to learn to communicate effectively with others and a lot of other things will fall in place.
But it sounds like on a more fundamental level you don’t love yourself. And it’s hard to receive love from others when we can’t give it to ourselves first.
So what do you need to do to learn to love yourself? Yeah for sure btw a counselor could and would help you through all this. So sorry your last ones were awful. But if you do some research and find a good one, it could help a lot.
Anyways. To love yourself you need to forgive yourself for letting it get like this. You didn’t have a choice. You are the product your environment and this is what happened. But now your consciously wanting to make changes and grow for your own sake. So it’s like you were asleep and now you’re awake. Don’t blame yourself for sleeping. It’s ok.
But now wake up and realize you can kinda do whatever you want to do. You’ve identified what you want to do. Now figure out how to do it. You’ve got this.
You may be unhappy with your body and getting in shape would help dramatically. Like in sooooo many ways. A healthy body can help promote a healthy mind.
You need both. Cut out most of the garbage food. Work out with weights. Get strong. Cardio.
Meditate. Read. Be creative. Lay off the screens sometimes. Get some nature. These will all help your mind.
Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Be proud of yourself for the journey you’re about to undertake. It will be so worth it.
Then spread that outward. Social skills and intimacy will follow. When you are living a happy fulfilling life you will find friends and a partner if thats what you want. When you are out doing activities in the world that you enjoy. You will be confident and love yourself and able to love others and accept love.
My two cents. You got this brother!
It’s never too late. To add to what everyone else is saying here, getting better emotionally and socially is a lifelong endeavor. Focus your energy on what you can do now, and not on what you can’t change. Accept yourself for who you are now, and work on being better moving forward. If you consistently work on yourself, little by little, you will improve. I promise 🙂
You def need to work on yourself in all departments starting with therapy as people say. It sounds like you need a real therapist cause idk where you went before but that sounds horrible . Once you get the ball rolling on that you need to find some type of job especially a easy one, just something you can develop some social skills while also making money
Acknowledging you have those problems are the first step to over coming them. Keep looking for a therapist until you find one that works. They should never call you names.
But it’s good that u realized that u were part of the problem. A lot of people think it’s all OTHER peoples fault but it’s good that u owned up to ur faults and I know therapy is kinda scary sinner you were mentally abused but I’d say it’s worth another shot. You got this 👍
I just wanna start by saying I’m really proud of you for being able to identify your own problems. Self awareness is key, and it’s the first step. You already took the first step dude, that says something. Now you have to act on it. That doesn’t mean go balls to the wall crazy hard. Self improvement and shadow work takes time, dedication, and energy. Start slow and even comfortably. Get yourself used to the idea of change. Let it excite you. Just make realistic and achievable goals. Rome wasn’t built in a day, which means you’re probably not going to see the changes you’re looking for immediately—which is okay and totally normal. These things take time. Consistency is key, and you’ll make it out in the other side.
I am 22 and pretty stunted as well. I do not feel anywhere near this age mentally. The thoughts get very dark. It feels as if the world has left us behind and I blame myself too. I do not know what to do but I recognize when somebody is in a worse spot than me and I desire you nothing more than the opportunity to figure it out someday and genuinely change for the better. Hang in there and keep fighting should you decide to. I’m sorry brother. I am also so lost.
I’m in my 40s and just started therapy, I had a bad experience as a teenager and was avoiding going, but it is so different this time around.
My diagnosis is ADHD, Autism, social anxiety, and trauma from my experiences in school because of those diagnosis. Some of the things you mentioned sound very familiar, there might be more you recognize but didn’t mention. (This is just a small part of each and as you will be able to tell I know more about some than others.)
ADHD = rejection sensitivity, impulsive behavior, oppositional defiance disorder, delayed maturity, insomnia, painful waking up, racing mind, replaying conversations & thoughts on an endless loop in your head (especially anxiety creating one’s), dopamine seeking (games, hobbies, food…), emotionally sensitive, executive dysfunction (you know how and why to do something but can’t physically start that something), struggle transitioning from doing something to doing something else.
Autism = sensory processing disorder-overwhelmed by too many sensations (noise, smells, touch…) personally I shutdown, I become exhausted and stop talking (I stop being able to “people”), I need days or weeks without social interaction to recover. Blunt, says exactly what you mean with no hidden meaning.
Trauma = always in fight or flight mode, overly sensitive to surroundings, overly sensitive to emotions or moods of those around you, constantly preparing yourself for the worst case scenario. This can be practicing what you will say if an argument starts (but for your body you have literally been fighting all day because it doesn’t know the difference between anxiety and real danger.)
Social anxiety = meeting every interaction with the anxiety of life or death. If I say the wrong thing, if they misunderstand me I will not recover. You stay in a state of anxiety so long that your body and mind are exhausted and collapse into a state of depression.
I have found I need medication. I medicate my social anxiety and my ADHD up to to point of being able to function, after that it is all behavioral. But if you can’t function then you have no ability to change your behavior and you spiral down.
You are not alone! There is hope!
Mushrooms and find an outdoor hobby bro… by yourself first, figure YOU out first, then find your passion, outside your house.. then let others in….good luck!
Wow, I’m just really proud of you internet stranger. You are actually very young and have your whole life ahead of you. As long as you are willing to take baby steps towards change, all of this can change.
Huge props to you bro for coming to this awareness of your situation.
Social skills are just what the name implies, a skill. It’s easy to look at others who spent the vast majority of their lives honing their social skills to a razor edge, but you have to realize that even they had to start at the bottom of that mountain at one point in time. They had to fail, then learn, then fail again, then learn again, to get to where they are now. It’s gonna take time and effort on you behalf to learn social skills, and theres certainly going to be a lot of mental anguish, but trust me, you’ll get better.
Best of luck, friend. ❤️
I’m currently 21 and in a similar situation. I definitely empathize with you, and I feel at a loss as to why those skills didn’t develop early on and I feel like I missed the boat that sailed along time ago and I’m just left here with nothing.
It legitimately feels like I’ve stagnated for the entirety of my teen years and very little experience or growth happened during that time period. I don’t know why it’s like this as I was legitimately upset with this and tried to include myself in social functions, only to just have acquaintances from it and no friendships would develop really.
I’d bet good money that you are autistic. Possibly ODD also. That stands for oppositional Defiant Disorder.
Autism would explain most of your issues and symptoms. And if your parents didn’t get you the right autism therapy when you were younger then it would lead to these sorts of problems in adulthood.
Read or listen to the book “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself” by Dr. Joe Dispenza
Hey man. You aren’t alone. I’m in a similar boat. If you ever want to chat you can always send me dm, but please know things do and can get better. Five years ago today I was living with my parents, one of whom was abusive in many ways. I couldn’t talk to people at the store without feeling downright sick to my stomach. My only friends were online, and I did nothing but stay in my room. I didn’t even go to public school thanks to my parents. I felt hopeless, like a lost cause. I even tried to kill myself twice.
Today? My social skills still aren’t great, but I’m now able to make small talk at the store, or in an Uber. I’m pretty socially awkward at college and work but I can hold a semi-decent conversation, even if I quickly run out of things to say. I haven’t spoken to that abusive parent since November of 2018.
What helped me get the ball rolling was honestly nothing but that sheer hopeless feeling. It made me realize that life will continue on this way until I do something about it. It was hard, but I forced my parent to put me back in public school. I was educationally and socially stunted, as when I was homeschooled I wasn’t actually taught, but I still made myself do it, because sometimes the hard things in life are necessary. I eventually found a few friends, lost a few, got a job, and despite everything I lacked education wise I was able to graduate on time with a 4.0, and now I’m putting myself through college and living on my own at 19.
Nothing is ever permanent unless you let it stay permanent. The only person who can change things is you, and change is hard. It’s still hard for me. There are still mountains I know I need to climb but have yet to do so. But as long as you take that first step and you continue to take steps big and small after that, one after the other, you’ll get better. You’ll look around one day and you’ll realize how much of a better place you’re in, and you’ll be so happy you never gave up.
Focus on the weight loss, relationship building, and setting goals. You can get all those by going to the gym and dieting. I say this because I’ve seen big quiet guys weighing a few hundred pounds come to the gym and make a difference for themselves. The more weight lost, the more they became confident. People go to the gym to look good and better themselves. No one is gonna judge you, in fact there is respect for fat people trying to change their lifestyle. Plus the gym is a great location to socialize and meet new people from a variety of backgrounds. Talk to people, get to know them and let them know a bit about you. The gym is a good location to gain confidence and meeting friends. Change starts with you first and foremost. You recognizing your faults is a good first step. Take a leap and be better. Your future self will thank you.
I used to weigh 230kilos and exhibited so many issues, with my personality, mentality & physicality.
I got the gastric sleeve surgery and dropped 130kilo. my life turned around almost completely. I don’t mean to sound like a doctor that blames everything on your weight but I promise you its the biggest domino piece that’ll knock alot down with it.
I highly encourage you to look into weight loss surgery, good luck op
Okay, some of this sounds similar to diffculties people with autism face, especially the difficulty with emotion and people not understanding and mistreating you.
Have you heard of “rejection sensitivity” before? It’s not very helpful for making it go away knowing about it at first.
I grew up in a family that was constantly looking for a scape goat. If they could pin an accusation onto someone, that person became that thing forever and the family would bond over bulling that person over this thing (true or not) which automatically excluded the targeted person.
I learned as a coping tool to fight __any__ accusation like it was a court case my life depended on and it took a long time for me to trust that anyone is telling me about something I am doing so I can get better.
Nowadays I see it as people seeing my intentions and wanting to help equip me to be successful in being the person I *want to be*.
It’s really hard sometimes when I feel misjudged. I often have to say “I don’t understand” when I feel misunderstood, but want to wait to see if maybe they are right.
I try to look at my behavior neutrally, it helps if I pretend as if someone else is doing it and we are talking together to understand why it happens and different ways it could get better so I can see what works best for me.
Set small goals for yourself and work your way down the list. Start easy such as making a therapist appointment and do some research on Psychology Today therapist website where you can learn about potential therapist. I. e. types of therapies, certain types of disorders/populations they work with. Get some health insurance if you don’t have any by checking out your state’s options. Find a primary care provider and get a complete physical. Start moving around whether it’s outside, in your house or at a gym.
Sometimes you gotta push through inertia and lack of motivation to reach your small but important goals. Up your game with adding more reasonable goals as you move towards overall improvement in your social, physical, and emotional health.
Be social. Stay away from the usual places” like bars. Be social in positive roles: volunteering and helping others. Go back to school for one course that interests you. Could be art, music, writing, gardening where the fruits of your labor appear nearly immediately and can boost your self esteem.
Go slowly but start today. You got this.
Okay, so I was very emotionally and socially stunted when I was younger due to an unconventional upbringing. At ~20 I was like a middle schooler. Therapy can help. I also recommend practicing a lot of self reflection and really analyze your behavior and from those around you. People watch, learn how people socialize. You’re going to have to be willing to put yourself in situations that may not work out but it will give you valuable learning experience. It took me nearly 5 years to get caught up, but im happy im here now, instead of still being stuck. Life gets better, but growth is a choice and an uphill battle that’s worth every step.
The first step to growth is acknowlegement.
Keep up the good work. Keep bettering yourself.
Its a lifelong journey and a lot can happen in a year or two.
You have enough self-awareness to take the next step. You have the potential to grow
It’s never too late
Please look into a Michael Singer, and the benefits of meditation. They can help calm your thoughts and make you less reactive. Combined with therapy it could help you enormously. It takes work, but the rewards are worth it.
I think it makes sense, if you’re only 25 and have been mainly stuck inside your moms house in your bedroom ofcourse you didnr develop the emotional maturiy or socialskills of your peers. Im gonna lean out the window and guess your mom caters to your every need and wish too, which makes also never made you feel and live like you were not the center of the universe.
Realizing these things is a good first step. Write them down and hang them somewhere you see it everyday including how you want to do better. I highly suggest you put all your effords into loosing weight and getting out more, join some social activity club, make some friends. Also probably therapy to help you understand and better yourself as well as developing some impulsecontroll (eg not getting angry and abusive towards others if things dont go your way) would be very beneficial i think.
But i think you did very well by realizing the majority if your issues by yourself already and that you have the willingness to heal 🙂 Good luck to you!
You being able to admit this is proof that you can change
making the realization and having the courage to admit it are tremendous steps. congratulations.
good luck with the next steps.
If getting out to see a therapist is too difficult for you right now “Self Help” is a great place to start your journey to healthy change. Along with adding some healthier eating and exercise habits (as others have suggested ) consider reading self help books. There are thousands to choose from and they can really be effective. Make positive change a commitment to yourself. Your young and seemingly insightful . Don’t give up on yourself! 🙏🏼💕