Hey all, I am a 26 years old female,living in India.
This is going to be a bit long read so please bear with me.
I am planning to get married by next year to my long term boyfriend. He currently stays and works in Bangalore but plans to move to Delhi by changing job after marriage so he can stay with his parents.
Now thing is, I live in a nuclear family, just my mom dad, both doctors, we have a full time maid because my parents are not much around to take care of housework. I wont deny, I am a little bit of spoiled and lazy child. But from past few months, I have been consciously doing my house chores, cooking cleaning etc so I can change these habits. Also, professionally, I am setting up my online business, working with clients so work can be a lot sometimes.
His house is complete opposite, he has his parents, brother and his wife, they are very closely knit and not as openly minded as my parents (my parents are ultra cool in giving me freedom and privacy).
I am really scared that how will I manage so much house work after marriage, they have part time maids who come to clean the utensils and help little with cleaning. Apart from that, his mom and bhabhi take care of all cooking, cleaning etc. They aren’t very fond of maids helping with cooking. His bhabhi also is trying to do something online, not very serious about it though.
Considering my work is always going to be wfh, I am scared that since I will be home all the time, I will be expected to work as a housewife. I don’t look down upon any house chore but scared on how I will find time for my business, house duties and then personal time (I love to go to the gym, read books, meditate, journal etc).
My partner is definitely supportive and caring, but he also feels that he needs a wife who can take care of the house, he doesn’t have a problem with me working but he’s fine if I don’t want to contribute financially. He also said that if I want to make any changes the way things work, we can always discuss things with the family and move things around, but I still feel that the final say will be of his mom and I will be stuck.
I have been having so many sleepless nights over this, we have been together 8 years, I don’t want to leave him over such fears so any suggestions will be helpful.
6 comments
You said your partner wants, needs actually, a wife who can take care of the house and that he doesn’t expect a financial contribution from such a wife. Based on what you said, he will support you working only to the extent that it does not negatively impact your ability to do that.
Is your business important to you personally and your sense of identity and fulfillment, or are you doing it out of responsibility and for financial gain?
That is something to think about and then really communicate with each other clearly about what marriage would look like in these regards.
Are you guys going to live with his parents?
I can completely understand not wanting to lose your relationship over this but take a very sober look at the reality you are walking into before you do so.
If you can afford it, just hire a stay out cleaner in the morning to help you with chores. In laws will always say one thing and another, just do you girl. As long as, you are not living with in laws, just take it easy. If your husband to be is supportive, then I think he will understand where you are coming from. You can also split chores with husband đ In our case, my husband is in charge of the cooking and the laundry. I’m in charge of the cleaning and the kids. Since you dont have kids yet, you dont have to be stressed so much about chores.
Guess the only thing you can do at this point is to tell him your concerns & ask that you guys work on the problem *together*.
This might be as simple as you renting a dedicated office space somewhere so that you have a clear boundary between home & work.
Maybe he talks to his parents & convinces his mom to hire the maids to be FT & let them be responsible for cooking. Or that they hire someone that only focuses on cooking.
(My apologies if these suggestions arenât possible, but perhaps they can be useful as examples).
The main point is- itâs *you & him versus the problem*. Work together.
“he also feels that he needs a wife who can take care of the house,”
Talk to him about what this means to him. “Managing a house” is a lot of work. Much more than it seems – especially when you are young and have not actually done it. If children are in the family – it is a 24 hour a day job – with no lunch break, bathroom break, etc.
In your country – I understand it is common for the youngest woman to do a majority of the household chores, organization and work. Be sure to ask probing questions about this – probe from several angles. Then you can decide. You and your future husband can look at the situation and decide what kind of like you want together.
Hey Indian here married for 5 years! My first suggestion would be to ask what his expectations are. No tip toeing around it but hard facts as to what he expects! No âoh we will see how it goesâ âoh we will see what we can do about itâ
Since you mentioned two points one being he is okay even if you donât contribute and that his mom and SIL takes care of the house, he is trying to put you on that pedestal and expects that level of dedication. And Iâm afraid if you are not able to, youâll be compared with them and may be even put in spot in front of them.
Ask. Ask. Ask. Ask what he wants eventually. Yes 8 years is a long time in a relationship but you marrying into this, you are indirectly agreeing to all these silent conditions.
Introspect. Introspect what you eventually want. Your career. Your freedom. Yes you are doing everything to unlearn old habits but think if you will be able to balance it all.
Do a cost benefit analysis of the relationship and future of it as well. What is the cost. What are the benefits you are getting out of it. All the best! Itâs a pretty tricky situation. Iâm pretty sure youâll figure it out. đ
Okay! My story is very similar to yours. I was a pampered daughter in a nuclear family. I fell in love with a guy from Jammu who works in Bangalore. I got married but we bought an apartment in Bangalore. However, his parents moved in with us and tried to implement their lifestyle on me. According to their customs, a daughter in law should do all the household work, cook, feed the family etc etc. i was a working woman and I had to put my foot down on various issues. I still wish I hadnât gotten married into this family. But at the same time I love my husband a lot. My husband supports me in most of my decisions and has agreed to keep a househelp and a cook at home as itâs impossible for me to handle office and house both.
My advice to you would be to talk to your husband before getting married. Trust me when I say its very difficult to adjust in a joint family for a working independent woman. You might regret later if you do not speak up now.