Maybe this is more a AITA question but I’m so upset right now and maybe I’m being irrational? I’ve (36) been dating my boyfriend (34) for three years and have met his family multiple times including vacationed with them, gone to parties, celebrated holidays with them. My boyfriends little brother recently started going out with a girl, maybe 9 months ago, his other siblings are all married. The other day, I found out they are all in a running group chat, his parents, all the siblings, and all the significant others including the little brothers new girlfriend EXCEPT for me. AITA for being upset that for some reason im not included in the group chat and nobody bothered to mention adding me, including my boyfriend. I don’t even know who I’m upset at, I’m mostly just hurt. Am I being irrational or how should I handle this, if there is anything to do at all?
26 comments
I don’t think you are irrational for feeling like they are excluding you, because it seems like they are. How would you describe your relationship with them? Does your boyfriend know that you know? If so, what did he say?
You haven’t asked your boyfriend why you’re not in this group chat?
I find it weird that a non family member is in a family chat but that’s just me. It’s on your boyfriend to include you in the family chat. If he doesn’t want to include you after 3 years you have to decide if he doesn’t see a future with you and vice versa.
That would upset me too. You need to have an honest talk with your boyfriend. And just tell him what you’ve told us and that it’s not OK and you would like to be on it. Try it light at first like hey, I want to be on that group chat have them add me and see how he behaves and then if they don’t, you have to have a whole Nother conversation as to why he doesn’t want you there. But I would start and white first.
Does his family like you?
Just ask your boyfriend why you’re not in the chat. It might be that all the family members added their own significant others but he just… didn’t think to add you
Running group chat or running group chat….I mean….its not a chat about running is it?
Are there a lot of people on this chat I’m guessing? It could be a mistake. We have a large family chat, with 10+ people, added some new phone numbers, and it took like 5 attempts over 5-7 days to get everyone on correctly and to stop texting in the old chats. Someone would accidentally respond to the wrong one, so it took a while.
Ask your husband to add you, know it may take a fewdays, and if it still doesn’t work, then it may be an issue.
I would be hurt too. I would ask him why you weren’t included, and go from there. Maybe it hasn’t occurred to anyone yet that you aren’t in the chat, and they will have no problem adding you now.
Have you, maybe, asked?
Info: Do you text like a serial killer and/or do a bad job of keeping up with texts? My friends always tell me they have to remind themselves that I’m not mad, I just use a lot of periods instead of exclamations, and blunt sentences. Also, I sometimes don’t respond to texts for days (unless actually important).
My boyfriend’s family has a very active chat. One day maybe a year and a half into our relationship, he was like “Always assumed ‘no’ but do you want to be in this chat?” No was correct. I’m already barely keeping up with the heart emojis required to make me seem human in our chat with just his mom.
Also, maybe the new girlfriend started the chat. Have you asked? These things often begin with someone sending a photo to everyone one time, and it spirals into a full on group chat.
OP, how is your relationship with your BF’s family? You mentioned a couple of events vacationing and parties, but … Do you enjoy it?
Nta of course, it seems real petty to leave you out. But unless you actually want to be on this group chat, while you can be upset that you were singled out, maybe not throw up too much of a fuss unless you want to wind up on it with later regret
This is completely off, of course you should be part of the group chat if SOs are included. Of course it hurts that you are left out. You need to be angry with whoever set the chat up to exclude you, and also with your BF because he should have added you or said if they didn’t want you they shouldn’t have the other SOs either. I suggest you talk to your BF about it pronto.
What? I’m not in my wife’s family group chat and I’m thankful for it. Imagine a bunch of notifications about stupid jokes and memes. If there is something I need to know, either they contact me directly or my wife will tell me.
You’re upset over nothing.
People are free to communicate in what ways and with whom they want and we are all owed NOTHING.
Sooner you accept that the better off you’ll be.
Is everyone on iPhone and you’re on Android? Legit have seen this as reasons on why people are left out of groups…
Whaaaat? What is that weird crap?
Ask him. And if the answer is weird… leave. Sorry to say that.
I once was with a guy who always would tell me: “When we build a house…. When we build a house.” (he had land with a construction permit on it.). He even went as far as planning out the direction, where which rooms were to be. Etc.
One day… don’t ask me, what bit me that day… I asked him: “Who is we?” His answer was: “Me, my parents and my grandpa.”
I asked him, why I was not included. He told me I just wasn’t the girl he wanted to stay with on the long run.
I was flabbergasted and so hurt.
Why am I telling you that?
Sometimes guys will be with girls but perfectly KNOW that this isn’t a long term relationship. Not the “and they stayed together ever after.”
ASK your guy what on earth bit him to hurt and bully you that way? (Yes, bullying is also excluding one person when everybody else is included).
It MAY he that there are issues on his side.
But it may also that this was supposed to be a family chat but his younger brother had just thrown his gf in there without even asking for permission and they couldn’t well throw her out without upsetting little brother.
Ask.
talk to your boyfriend about it. tell him how it makes you feel.
I’d be desperately hurt about it and I also wouldn’t want to be added as an afterthought
Hat kinds of things do they discuss in the chat? I guess I’m wondering if it’s a big deal or do you just feel slighted.?
Honestly this is more of a bf issue than an inlaw issue. The fact that your bf didn’t add you and KNEW you weren’t in the chat bc he showed you something funny in the chat but just didn’t care that you’re the only one not added. That’s so hurtful… I would be taking a step back from the inlaws but I’d be wondering where tlmy bfs head was at as well. And there’s no way I’d be added to that group chat now. It would be incredibly embarrassing…
So you asked him, he gave a truthful response of ‘I dont know. Must have been a mistake’. Then you had a temper tantrum. Did I read that right?
You are right, you acted like a ‘brat’. (Your word not mine).
Its a family chat. I have one with mine. Its used to call everyone to dinner, announce when we are on our way home from work and remind everyone its trash night.
I dont include family members outside of my home.
There are other chat groups that include other family members. These are for general information. (Picking Mom up from the airport, vacations and larger family gatherings.) We dont generally include girlfriends or boyfriends as to not bother them with mundane family happenings. Not all family information needs to broadcasted.
You owe your boyfriend an apology for acting entitled and being a brat. Its a simple oversight, not some master plan to exclude you. Its not always all about you.
I don’t think so. I would ask bf why you’re being excluded. It’s obviously not a gf or new thing. Is he excluding you? Someone else in the family? He just didn’t think to add you?
Nothing at all irrational about feeling excluded considering *you are being excluded*. I mean this is pretty much the Platonic Ideal of excluding a person.
I think in your shoes I would be most annoyed at your boyfriend. It seems like common sense that he would have either added you himself or asked why you weren’t added, but evidently he did neither of those things. I would want to know why, but I doubt you’re going to get a satisfying answer out of him. My best guess would be that it’s the kind of thing where everyone adds their own significant other and yours just…didn’t.
At the very least I can tell you that resenting this is completely valid, though. It may seem like a small thing, and he’ll certainly present it as a small thing when you mention it to him, but it’s more what it represents. Do you particularly want to be on a group chat with his family? I doubt it, group chats are pure hell even among friends. But the point is they went out of their way to add literally everyone even halfway adjacent to the family EXCEPT you to this thing. That’s going to hurt a bit no matter what the thing happens to be, from a group chat to a family vacation to a Christmas card to whatever.
No you are NTA. Did you tell him? I’d ask him why you aren’t included.
I would be really pissed and hurt but then really thankful that I didn’t have to keep up with a stupid group chat.
Then if they get upset about you not knowing some sort of info only privy to the chat, I would say something acknowledging that you were left out.
I think you need to talk to your boyfriend. If he respects you do little that he won’t add you then it’s time to decide if this relationship is right for you