A little bit of backstory:
Last night, I went out with a couple of friends. We all drank something and by the time we wanted to go home I was tipsy, but not wasted. I didn’t want to go to bed yet so I asked my friends if they wanted to grab a drink at my place. Two of them declined because they were tired, but my one friend “Jim” decided to come with me.
We’ve known each other for 10 years at least, and had always had a good connection to each other.
He has never had a gf and is still a virgin. He felt sad about that and I comforted him and told him that the right one will come along, stuff like that. BUT I never, not before nor that night, led him on in any way, making clear that I like him as a friend and that I would help him find a gf but not more.
When it was time to go to bed, I didn’t want to make the couch ready for him (I have a bunch of clothes laying on there). But I asked him if he wanted to sleep on the couch, I would’ve removed the clothes. Or if he was fine sleeping with me in my bed.
By the time we went to bed, we had both drank some more and were drunk, but not wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night and could feel his hand in my pants, rubbing my vagina. I immediately felt grossed out, but couldn’t really move and I was also super tired. This went on for around 5 minutes I guess (It felt like hours though).
After that, he started squeezing my breasts, to which I finally told him to get his hands off of me.
We both fell back asleep.
In the morning, I talked normally to him, but by now, it has sunk in what he did to me…
I feel disgusting and ashamed.
I’m usually a very extroverted person so I’m angry at myself for not throwing him out right away…
I want to confront him, but I’m not sure how…
I feel so betrayed because I trusted enough to let him sleep in my bed and he did something like this.
How can I confront him?
I don’t want to take legal action (I doubt what happened could lead to anything happening legally anyway)
We’re also a big friend group so I’m not sure how to avoid him in the future…
And another question, particularly to the men: WHY would he do something like that?
12 comments
Talk to him, let him know it was uncool. I think you should cut him off no more friends.
Lesson to be learned is dont sleep with drunk folks. Next time, clear the couch.
The amount of times I’ve had guys pleading the “I’ve not had sex in ages because no one likes me” cry and you want to know why they do it? To make you feel bad for them. They’re trying to get sympathy sex. They literally want you to go “aw but I like you! Let me prove it!” He’s spoken to you about being a virgin hoping that you’ll feel bad enough you’ll take his virginity – and I know. It sounds crazy BUT it’s true.
What he did was assault. Do not feel bad for him because you think “aw but he’s a virgin and didn’t know better” or that he might have misinterpreted anything, he’s tried to play you from the start. He knew as soon as he met up with you last night that he was going to try it with you and that virgin chat was just part of his manipulation. Him being a virgin doesn’t allow him leeway on assault.
He’s disgusting and I hope this has made you realise how manipulative he is. When you confront him, because I hope you do, he WILL try and pretend he didn’t know any better because “no woman’s paid attention to me like you have” and he’ll pretend he didn’t realise the seriousness of it. He’ll act like he did it because you made him feel liked! You made him feel special because no other woman has before! He’ll try and make out he did it because you’re so great to him, he’ll literally butter you up to make you feel like it was a privilege that he did it.
Don’t buy it.
Please do not blame yourself. When it comes to us woman and men like that, it’s so easy to buy into it because they’re our friends. But this “friend” of yours has probably wanted to do this from the beginning of your friendship. I had a friend like this who used to ask me to be his girlfriend anytime I was drunk and try and kiss me, I always rejected him because he was my friend and I didn’t want to ruin it… not realising that he was only my friend in the hopes I’d eventually go out with him. You want to know how that ended? With him raping my friends and numerous other girls and blaming it on me because he claims he wanted to make me jealous. He used the excuse that no one ever wanted to have sex with him because he was ugly. All that shit. I
This friend of yours would rape you if he had the chance. If you had been any more drunk last night, I assure you… it wouldn’t have stopped at touching you. I have no doubt that he’s done this to previous girl friends he’s had too and has used the virgin chat to try and guilt women into doing stuff with him.
I hope you’re okay and I know that’s the shittest thing to say because obviously you won’t be but I genuinely hope you recover from this. This guy is not your friend and you should confront him and take it to the police because as I said… this won’t be the first or last time he does that. It took one girl to phone the police on my ex friend and because of that they found a further 4 girls he had done the same to.
As I said before, do not blame yourself. You are a victim here who was none the wiser to this shitbags manipulation. Never blame yourself for treating a friend like a friend. Blame the person who took advantage of that. You did NOTHING wrong here. Not even the fact you slept in the same bed as him, that is NOT an invite to grope you and assault you. Friends should be able to sleep in the same bed with friends without them assaulting you. Hell, you sleeping in the same bed as him NAKED wouldn’t be consent. Even you saying “have sex with me” wouldn’t be consent at that point because you had a drink in you. He took advantage of you. Nothing you did was consent. Nothing you did told him you wanted that. Nothing. He knew what he was going to do from the get go hence why he gave you the virgin chat, it was nothing to do with you sharing a bed with him.
Stay strong, gather your support system and tell this to anyone you trust because there’s nothing better than having someone there to understand what you’ve went through that can help with your emotions. Being able to share your feelings at a time like this can genuinely save your life. If you don’t have anyone you can, you can drop me a message. Never ever let yourself feel alone during this because I assure you, there’s people who want to help you and ensure you’re safe and sound.
He’s not your friend. You do not need to tread carefully.
Tell him what he did was sexual assault and you want nothing more to do with him.
Tell him he is lucky you don’t want to take legal action, but if he wants to continue his life as normally as possible he will remove himself from the friends group. If he doesn’t you have every right to make sure they all know he isn’t to be trusted as he sexually assaulted you.
I’m thinking if you confide in another friend the friend group will sort this out. Public shaming is a powerful tool
Via. A police officer
There’s always the problem of “If he violated you without your consent, and you don’t file the report, will he do it to someone else?” And is that your problem? I have no idea. This entire thing sucks and wtf on literally everything. But, it’s a straight forward way to say “STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.” via Protective Order (if in US).
(And I totally get that I’m broad stroke painting about the perils of female reporting assault. So, that’s why I said “I have no idea” but.. fuck… ugh. Good luck OP.)
You make it clear to him that if he ever approaches you again, you’ll call cops. You inform your friend group “[Guy] molested me in my sleep without my consent. If he is invited to any social events, do not expect me to attend. Anyone that insists I should forgive him will no longer be considered my friend.”
And because he’s a disgusting excuse for a human being, OP.
You don’t HAVE to confront him, all you have to do is text him “never speak to me again” and then block him on everything.
>We’re also a big friend group so I’m not sure how to avoid him in the future…
Tell your friend group you’re not comfortable hanging out with Jim anymore because he sexually assaulted you. If anyone balks at that, they’re not friends. Frankly if they want to continue hanging out with Jim even on occasions when you’re not around I would have serious second thoughts about remaining friends with any of them. I’ve got a lot of close friends, but NOBODY so close to me that I wouldn’t cut them out of my life entirely and instantly if I found out they sexually assaulted someone.
I get that you may feel uncomfortable telling your friend group what happened, because you’re feeling embarrassed and ashamed. But Jim is the one who should be embarrassed and ashamed, because he’s the one who did something wrong. All you did was assume you could trust a friend not to sexually assault you. And it’s important to tell your friend group because if Jim was willing to do this to you and the only thing that stopped him was you waking up maybe the next time he’s alone with a girl from your friend group he’ll try harder to make sure she’s drunk and unconscious before making his move. Maybe he’ll even put something in her drink.
>And another question, particularly to the men: WHY would he do something like that?
Because he could. He thought you were too drunk or too asleep to stop him, so he decided to assault you. I know you’re hoping for a more complex answer that gives you some hope that he’s a redeemable person, but there isn’t one. He did what he did because he could. If you had remained passed out he would have done more.
You respected him as a friend. He thought of you as someone he could manipulate into pity sex by crying about being lonely, and when that didn’t work he waited for you to fall asleep drunk so he could try to rape you. That’s all there is to it, sadly.
For the last part of your post. This isn’t a men in general thing. I have slept in the bed with some platonic girlfriends before sometimes while almost completely naked and it has never crossed my mind to touch them in the slightest. Of course I get slightly horny like any man would with a attractive women in his bed. I just have respect for them and would never want them to be uncomfortable. They trust me enough to be completely vulnerable i would be a sick man to take advantage.
He is just a bad person and you should expose him.
Reading this is kind of surreal because the exact same thing happened to me (25F) 2 years ago. I’ll share my experience in case you find any of it applicable to you. Someone who I had been close friends with for many years did basically exactly what you’re describing and I completely froze during it. I never even told him to stop. The next day he texted me a weak ass apology (“sorry about last night”) and I accepted it because I hate confrontation, didn’t want to make him feel bad, gaslit myself into thinking it wasn’t that bad, and worried that he’d lose all of his friends if I told anyone. But as time went on I realized more and more how violated I felt and how I never wanted to see him again. I also got concerned about whether he would go do the same thing to someone else because I’d acted like it was no big deal. So I told a few of our friends about what happened just to explain why I’d prefer not to be invited to the same events as him and, without me even having to ask, every single one of my friends chose to distance themselves from him. They all assured me that what he did was fucked up and they fully supported me. I feel very lucky to have the friends that I do. After I told people, I felt a bit more self assured and decided to confront him so I wrote up a long text message and one of my friends offered to send it from their phone so I didn’t have to have a conversation with him. I basically told him that I actually don’t accept his apology, that I felt betrayed and violated and disgusted, and that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. And then I started going to therapy.
All that is to say that you do not have anything to be embarrassed about. You thought he was your friend and he took advantage of that. Its important to forgive yourself for that, because its not your fault. If you want to avoid him in the future (which I def think you should!), I’d encourage you to tell your friends. They should support and respect your wishes. At some point you might feel comfortable addressing it directly with him, and you could write a letter or send a text. It took me a while to process all of the emotions that went with this happening but I promise its possible!
Sorry this happened OP. Awful.
What a creep. Why show a person like this grace, just so he can get away with it? It’s a hard situation either way, and it won’t be enjoyable to take action but it’s what he deserves and could absolutely help prevent him from doing this to someone else in the future. I’d encourage you to file a police report, perhaps a restraining order, and tell every single one of your mutual friends and put him on blast publicly. I don’t think this is harsh considering it was his choice/actions and he probably won’t experience legal consequences. May as well have him deal with it socially.
he’s a rapist who isn’t bold enough yet to go through with it. He knew you were either unconscious or awake and frozen. you were not saying “yay sex” to his assault. And he kept going because he wanted to, for himself, because what you wanted does not matter to him at all.
If it did, he would have tried to initiate sex while you were sober. He wanted to get off without your participation, and that is not a friend. that is a rapist, testing his limits with an early attempt. His goal is rape. He will make himself the victim of your anger, and try again if he can.