I have had my current job for over 3 years, and still barely know the names of most of the people I work with. I finally met my ‘CEO’ the other day after 3 years of walking by his office on the regular. I don’t go to lunches with anyone, I don’t do any of the extracurricular bike riding, book club, etc. If the company is doing a free lunch, I do not partake.
I show up everyday, park out back so I don’t have to go through the front door and talk to the receptionist, find my desk and get to work. I only get up for bathroom breaks, and when it’s time to go home. I don’t eat lunch, and that way I don’t have to deal with that silliness of where to sit, who to sit with, etc. If I need something from my boss/coworkers I just email them so everything is in writing for future reference should the need occur.
I am a middle-aged software engineer and I have decided if I want to advance in my career the only way up is management and so I should probably start paying attention to the social aspects of the office environment. I don’t mind learning small talk, I don’t mind pretending to care about peoples spouses and kids who names I don’t even know. But I have questions for you people who have been navigating social skills for longer than I.
1. How many minutes during your work day do you spend socializing? It seems like most of my coworkers spend more time chit chatting then doing anything productive. Pisses me off truthfully, and I expect my boss to expect less work from me as I become more friends with him, as that seems to be the trick.
2. Do you hop right from one cubicle to the next? Or do you get up, walk to a cubicle, talk, then walk back to your cubicle, pause for 20 minutes, and repeat? Or is it more start at row 1A and just keep walking and circling around at random until you run out of folks to talk to? Because I sit in my cubicle all day I don’t see the normal movements of the social folks.
3. Is it worth taking notes about people? Like birthdays, anniversaries, kids names? I know there are social butterflies at the office who have asked me if I am married and/or have children multiple times…it’s actually kind of annoying that I have to tell them more than once, is this a common thing to just ask the same question over and over again? Is there like an unwritten rule for how often you can ask someone if they are married…would they not be impressed if I remembered their kids names and ages and what color hair their wife had, or does that come across as way creepy from the antisocial coworker who has started to talk to you all of a sudden?
4. This is like the 4th place I work where everyone shares memes and stuff between each other on their cell phones, but I have never even been asked for my phone number to become part of the meme chats…does that just come naturally with making work acquaintances, or is it like something you have to ask to be apart of?
5. Feel free to drop any youtube videos, podcasts, websites, books, infographics, whatever that you have on work socializing, especially for the purpose of going from being a worker bee to being a leader bee. I have busted my ass to become an amazing programmer, and will put forth the same effort in succeeding in being an amazing leader, so anything you share with me will be put to good use.
I understand I am a very boring person, with no hobbies outside of going to work and coming home. I feel like this is what engineers used to be, it was expected from us to be antisocial, but now all of a sudden it seems like social skills are more important than knowing how to write code. So, it’s time to change with the times.
Thanks all!
3 comments
Gotta be honest here, if you are Social Avoidant enough to 1) Park out back so as to avoid saying hello to the receptionist, 2) Skip free lunches so you don’t have to socialize there, 3) ONLY get up for bathroom breaks…
My friend, unless their management team involves NO interactions with people, you are by nature simply NOT suited to this job. (Caveat: this is one opinion only based on limited info. Please get feedback from others in your life in case I’m misreading something.)
I will also add that in management you will do FAR LESS of what you’re good at (software engineering) and FAR MORE of what you hate (running projects/dealing with people problems.)
There is NOTHING wrong with being a skilled software guy who “gets things done” and doesn’t interact much. The world needs ALL types of people. And what you do is valuable.
I suspect if you want to make more money you probably need to change companies. That’s a more certain route to bigger bucks without the headaches that a management job would give you.
Food for thought, my friend!
I work remote in IT myself, making relationship development extra difficult.
It is recommended to remember important dates of the people you care about(usually the ones that will bring you the most value, or anyone you genuinely like). This can be easily accomplished by, when say a birthday or anniversary comes up in conversation, as soon as you’re alone set a reminder in your calendar. Do not send a stupid email when the time comes; drop by their desk and say “happy anniversary or happy birthday! Do you have any plans?” They will remember that I guarantee it. You can go so far as to get a very small gift zig you so wish; a coffee cup from goodwill or card will suffice. I cannot stress this enough, they will absolutely remember it and appreciate it. By far the easiest way to get in good graces with people.
I wouldn’t randomly start wondering around talking to your coworkers, that’s weird as it’s a large diversion from your normal behavior. Change it up. Park in the front; say hi to the receptionist, and have a good (greeting of the day) when you leave. Go sit at lunch with your coworkers. Try to sit close by, listen and engage when you feel comfortable doing so. Someone brings up a video game, and you like video games? Ask about it. Look for any common ground you can find and latch on to it.
I challenged myself to crack a particularly closed off coworker, who behaved similarly to how you describe yourself. I would latch on to anything that this person would say to get them to open up. If I started a conversation with a coworker, I may purposefully bring up something like headline news or something everyone should be aware of. Then ask “what do you think?”
In all of this, you are indirectly communicating that you care about your coworkers, and that you value their opinions. I can provide more advice on this if you would like. I’m speaking mainly from what I’ve learned as a young introverted guy that was trying to adjust to a progressive society in tech after spending the entirety of his adult life in the military.
Start by walking through the front door and saying good morning to the receptionist. Do not take notes about anyone’s personal information that will come off as creepy. Then move on to going to lunch and chatting with people. Then change some emails to drop by and talk conversation. Then you can move to going to offsite activities. Be genuine and nice and considerate.