Relationship context: I’m F21, he’s M20. Been together 2 years. Monogamous. Very committed. Live in the USA. LDR but see each other often.
So this is my first “real”/long term relationship, and I lost my virginity to my partner. So I never knew this about myself until our relationship obviously.
Problem:
I fantasize about sex all the time. I enjoy reading and writing erotica. I watch porn semi-often. I masterbate a normal amount. Both inside our relationship and before it. So I always figured I had a completely normal sex drive. Before dating I would always imagine being with someone and look forward to it, and I completely expected to enjoy sex and do it all the time like anyone would my age.
But actual sex feels like a chore. No matter how much I think about my boyfriend, or masterbate imagining him, as soon as he asks to have actual sex that desire completely goes out the window. Weather it be over a video chat or irl.
I’ll say I enjoy “real” sex a lot more than video sex, but I still never desire it. I only ever have sex when my bf asks me, and even then I’ll usually turn him down.
He has a normal/maybe high sex drive and I KNOW we’d do it a ton more often if it wasn’t my fault. He asks maybe once a week (he’d probably do it more if I was usually down) but most of the time I tell him no. I usually force myself to after 2-3 no’s just because I feel so bad. But I mean it when I say *force* myself to. Like I don’t want to at all. I’ve literally cried before hand because I realize how little desire I have and how I’d rather do anything else, but I feel so bad because my bf doesn’t deserve to be turned down all the time. So I have sex for him even if I don’t want it.
He’s an amazing partner. He always cares about my pleasure, probably more than his own. He does all the foreplay and we’re into the same stuff. I find him physically attractive.
And he doesn’t pressure me at all. He’s so unbelievably understanding and patient with me. I pressure myself but he’s never once got mad or tried to force anything. Idk why he puts up with me so much. He takes a no as a no and doesn’t push it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with him.
So why is it such a problem for me?? I hate it. I just want to be normal.
I get “horny.” But then I’d rather masterbate. And I think about sex. But the real thing I have no interest in.
And the weird thing is I’ll really enjoy giving a BJ or HJ to him, honestly wayyy more than I enjoy anything happening to me. That’s usually what I offer when I turn sex down, although he’s still disappointed because he wants to get me off too and obviously actual PIV is much more intimate.
Why do I enjoy that but hate sex so much?
I talked to my friend, and she suggested I may be asexual. But I don’t want to be. I want to have sex, or at least I think I do. I just don’t have the motivation or the drive to do it. I just want to be *normal. *
Please help…
(TLDR; I think about sex all the time and want to have it but my actual sex drive is nonexistent. I can’t get myself to actually do the real thing. It’s depressing me and unfair to my partner.)
3 comments
I would talk with a counselor about it. I can’t imagine what’s slamming on your brakes when he initiates, but it’s something. And it’s fatal to your relationship eventually. Hopefully the counseling can uncover it so you can get past it. Best of luck to you.
I do think that counseling could be a good idea! I think therapy is good for just about everybody, but also the amount of self loathing you’re expressing here around sex is something that is going to have to work through in order for you to ever enjoy it.
Another thing that comes to mind is that maybe the way that your partner is focusing on pleasure feels overwhelming? It’s great to have a partner that cares about your pleasure, but personally sometimes that can make me nervous if it’s too much. It can feel like there’s pressure to cum, and worrying that not finishing will hurt your partner’s feelings make it way harder to finish.
However another thing, and this can be a tough one, is not forcing yourself to have sex because you feel like you owe it to him. I get it, I’ve been there, and I think I forced myself to do the same for years, but I have realized now that so long as I’m doing that, I can’t enjoy sex. It becomes hard to say “no” if your partner is asking multiple times a week, even if they’re asking nicely and taking the “no” well. But I wonder what would happen if he didn’t ask as much. If you had a talk about slowing it down and being more intentional, and the two of you waited to have sex again until you autonomously had the desire yourself. It might take awhile, but that’s okay.
It’s very normal to be anxious or worried, even subconsciously, about something you really really want. You can’t let a fantasy down but sex with someone else can be SO MUCH more frightening.