Me (28f) and my boyfriend (27m) have been together for a little over 3 years. Most of the time he is lovely and honestly he treats me like I’m his world. It just drives me nuts when he gets into his “moods”.
What I mean by moods is mostly him being angry and blaming his mom for how he is. He hasn’t talked to him mom in over two years. Basically since the 2020 presidential election when they got into a heated argument over their respective parties.
Anyway, whenever anything goes wrong in his life he always goes back to, “well maybe if my mom wasn’t such a blah blah blah”.. like okay? You’re almost 30 dude get over it. My parents weren’t even around I did everything for myself so it’s just kind of annoying hearing about how his “shitty” childhood ruined him.
He also isn’t in a bad place in life. Like anyone now adays, we’re not swimming in money or anything, but combined we do make over $120,000 annually.
Not nothing by any means. Still he complains and complains about how we can’t do all the things we want and go on vacations we want. Yet, he has something new he ordered coming every other day. try to express how if you buy less dumb crap, we can go on more vacations, yet “it’s the governments fault we don’t have more money”….
The blame goes further than just his mother as well. When a friend doesn’t go to the bar he wanted to go to, they’re “a f-ing loser pos”. When I smoke a cig at the bar with my friends (which i’ve done for years before I met him) they’re bad influences and I’m embarrassing myself. Literally it’s anything that slightly inconveniences him. (His whole day was ruined last week because the food we ordered car V with lettuce and he hates lettuce).
Really I could go on and on. And I don’t even necessarily know what I’m looking for in terms of advice, I just hope others can relate. Like he needs to just chill and realize how good he actually has it. I want to marry this man, but I fear how he will always react as if every little inconvenience is a life ruining event. Just wanted to put this out there I guess.
8 comments
Re-read your post and tell us all, please, why on this good earth, you want to marry this man.
I’m guessing he’s not receptive to counseling or therapy?
Always blaming others shows someone that is totally fragile at their core. Its engine is insecurity
The mother being to blame means he never has to face down his own choices and actions.
You can blame her for one thing, at some stage in his childhood he never learned the coping and soothing mechanisms that we need as we become adults, in order that we don’t crumble every time we are challenged with a negative.
I’m neither a doctor nor clairvoyant, but i do believe if you observed his mom, you will see the tree your partner is the apple from.
read this as you need to, this level of inability to regulate his emotions is something you really need to understand, as it will be your kids that end up as the recipients.
He needs therapy or you will regret staying
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/why-we-put-the-blame-on-others.htm
I find that the bad times are even more important than the good times when it comes to the long-term success of a relationship. It’s easy to find someone to be happy with when things are good. The real key is finding someone you can be a good team with during misfortunes, disagreements, and tragedies.
Try this: “have you noticed that you have outsized reactions to small irritations? Did you know that may be a symptom of depression? Have you noticed you have a negative outlook on life in general? How often do you think about gratitude? Once a day? Once a week? Never? I love you and I want to be in a relationship with you. Your negativity is wearing me down, and I hope that means enough to you that you’ll speak to a counselor about it.”
After 3 years, you surely must know that ***THIS IS*** his personality!
**FUTURE:**
Could it change? Yes. He could decide to seek therapy and work on himself. But unless *he initiates* the therapy, it’ll be a waste of time because he won’t do the necessary work.
Even if he decides to work on himself, there’s no guarantee he’ll be successful. And if successful, there’s no guarantee *how long* it’s going to take. Can you afford to wait around 2 years? 3 years? 8 years or longer waiting for his epiphany?
Look at how crappy **you** feel about his behavior…and you’re an adult. Now imagine a child who can’t comprehend *why* s/he keeps making dad so angry all the time…about everything. Does that sound like a good childhood? The foundation for healthy adult relationships?
**PRESENT:**
Do some soul-searching and ensure you’re not being blinded by the $120K income and the nice lifestyle it affords you because you need to remember that this nice lifestyle comes with a heaping helping of toxic BF served up every single week. That’s a high price to pay to live well. Might you be better off in another less lucrative relationship that creates a more peaceful and respectful environment?
Think about it!
He’s not going to change. Can you see a future of nothing is his fault. And if you marry and have kids, will you be at fault every time they do something he doesn’t like. These are things you need to think about. Seriously, think about things.
I was all set to be like all the world fucking sucks so he had every reason to be angry with it but yea no he just sounds like a baby. He needs therapy to deal with his issues. Then his anger can come from a justified place but just be a grown man throwing a tantrum