I (33F) need to leave my partner (35M) as he is addicted to weed and there is no sign of things changing. We have been together for 8 years.
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He has relapsed countless times over these years. He is out of work, has been for almost a year. This isn’t the first time he’s been jobless while addicted, but this is the longest. Last time, I had to support him by lending money for rent, so I think he looked for a job sooner. This time, he still has money (how much left, I don’t know) and I think that is partially enabling him to continue this way. While in a 4-month sober period, he started looking for work again, only to relapse once more (relapse has been ongoing for over a month now with promises that he “has a plan” to stop.) He now spends his days playing video games. Occasionally he will go to the gym because he knows he should go outside and be active. He doesn’t talk to his friends or family. They have contacted me now asking if he is OK because they haven’t heard from him since he started smoking weed again. I’ve given as much information as I can, but he pleaded with me to not ask his family to come help or divulge all details to them. His family could help support him if needed.
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I can’t keep living through the ups and downs of his addiction. He has quit and relapsed at least 3-4 times in the past year alone. When he started his most recent relapse, I tried to be supportive and encouraged him despite the slip ups. (I have tried being less supportive before, throwing away weed… doesn’t work either.) However, after weeks with no change, I told him he either needed to go to rehab or quit, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to stay in this relationship. He sees this as me abandoning him, calling him worthless, putting myself above the relationship, says that I have my own issues and won’t help him grow, that I didn’t love him even when he wasn’t smoking, etc…. He says he wants to move somewhere else where he isn’t triggered. I support him doing what he needs to do, but cannot move with him – my job is here. So we’d be moving to a new place and I’d have to trust that he decides to look for a job + I can get one that supports us both if he doesn’t find one? It doesn’t make sense, but when I say no he sees it as me not being supportive.
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I feel bad, but I know I have to look out for myself at this point. I want a life with someone I can trust and rely on and I’ve been waiting years for him to be that person. I can’t keep waiting one more month, 3 more months, 1 more year. It’s now been a month since I laid out the consequences of his actions (continuing to smoke) and today he pulled out weed and filled up his pipe right in front of me. I’m at the end of my rope.
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How do I exit this relationship in a way that is safest for him? I don’t want him to be at risk for self-harm, even though I know his mental health is his own to manage. Should I contact his family, despite his wishes, and request they help move him out and take him home? Do I ask a friend if they have a spare room for him? He has no way to qualify for an apartment right now because he has no income (but he is able to pay rent with his savings, so I know I am not kicking him out to the street.)
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TL;DR: Boyfriend is addicted to weed, no sign of things getting better. How do I responsibly end this so he has the best support network moving forward?
9 comments
It is nice for you to be concerned, but you aren’t obligated to keep propping him up. In 8 years, he has been given many chances to grow up and fix his life.
Give him a moveout date and firmly let him know there is no more going back. It is honestly up to him to figure out what comes next. If he threatens self-harm or appears to be at risk, call emergency services. If you are in regular communications with his family and are on good terms, you can alert them.
Seems he is a user of people. Marijuana is not physically addictive, so these choices he’s making are his own. Not an addiction. He sounds like a lazy, petulant, spoiled child who is just taking advantage of your kindness. Boot his ass out for being a deadbeat. He will be fine. Once he’s out, cut ties. He will no longer be your problem. You have no moral or other obligation to spare his feelings.
Nah girl. Too often do women fall into the trap of thinking they can ‘fix’ the guy. You can’t, that comes from within the person themselves. He sounds like he needs to seek mental help. He’s his parents problem not yours
I smoked weed everyday for years. If I was struggling I would def use weed to cope with stress. If I was a millionaire I’d be popping expensive bottles with my nice joint on the side. Point being is, weed is just a plant and where you are at in life isn’t really a reflection of the weed. The economy has been trash for the whole world and we are on the cusp of ww3. Think of all the folks out buying alcohol as economy gets tougher.
But I still try to be a good boyfriend to my gf and she knows I try.
Your first responsibility is to yourself. Start putting yourself first, because he never has and likely never will.
Why would he ever stop using? He has no incentive to stop living what sounds like an easy pleasant life.
You are giving him a place to live, you are handing over cash, you are providing food and drink, you are paying for water and electricity, and you are providing internet so he can spend every day laying around getting high, and playing games while you work so you can support his habit.
Stop allowing him to blame you for his addiction.
>He sees this as me abandoning him, calling him worthless, putting myself above the relationship, says that I have my own issues and won’t help him grow
This is what addicts do. They blame the people who they’ve convinced to enable their addiction. They accuse their partners and family of evil intent whenever they’re told their addiction is destroying relationships.
Suggestion: Agree with him. Tell him, “You are right. I am going to value my life above your addiction and end this relationship. I have realized I cannot help you, because no one has control over another person’s addiction. You are also correct that I have my own issues, and I plan to fully focus on myself.”
Give him a move-out day that is no more than six weeks away. End of March, perhaps. Tell him you will begin eviction proceedings if he is not gone by then. Then call his family and tell them. Do not ask his permission to call them.
He will make a desperate attempt to convince you to give him one more chance. Say No, and do not even listen to his pleas and promises. Do not be drawn into a negotiation. He’s had years to get this right, and learned years ago that *there was no consequences for lying to you about it.*
Stop worrying about what he will do and where he will go. This is not your problem or responsibility. He is not a helpless child. It’s on him to figure out what he’s going to do next.
Don’t let him draw you into a discussion of what he should do. Refuse to listen to him complain about how hard this is for him.
Just skimmed.. why do u consider him addicted? Why does it bother u?
I went through this recently (you can read my posts, it was bad), and I’ve also ended relationships with addicts before.
The best thing you can do for them is do what is best for you. Don’t try to help them. Don’t try to make it easy for them. They do not get better until the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of getting better. He needs to feel the full consequences of his actions.
Break up and cut off ALL contact. Block him if needed. Do not try to be nice and help him through the breakup. Do not listen to him when he wants “to talk” in a month or two. If he threatens self-harm, contact a hotline (they will call him) or call 911.
I know it is hard, but very often, the kindest thing you can do is let people handle their own s***. He can’t grow and get better if you are taking on those burdens for him.
Reading through the comments and your responses, he sounds like he is completely unwilling to put in the work that you have expressed that you need him to. He refuses therapy, and couples therapy. He refuses to stop smoking on his own, or get help with it. When you attempt to communicate boundaries, he turns it around on you and makes you feel selfish.
At his age, and the fact that weed is not addictive in the same way other drugs are (I know addiction to weed is possible but we have to be real that it isn’t the same as addiction to coke, meth, heroine, alcohol, pills, pretty much any other illicit drug), I would say he is downright refusing to get his sh*t together.
The important part about boundaries, especially when it comes to substance use/abuse, is following through with what you have communicated. Boundaries are not something you say so you can fight about it when it doesnt happen. Boundaries are a communication of where the buck stops. If you communicate a boundary and don’t follow through, you will be creating a monster, as humans will try to push these boundaries and will quickly learn when you don’t have what it takes to follow through. So don’t say it if you can’t do it.
He is an addict, you just need to be concerned for you. His priority in life is getting high, sorry but you are second to him. Contact his family and tell them you are done and ask their assistance for removing him from your living space. He needs to be responsible for himself and his actions.
You deserve to be first in the relationship to have your needs met. You cannot do that with an addict. Go and rediscover whom you are and find what you need from a relationship.