Hi! I feel conflicted and a bit bad about this.
A guy send me a friend request, and since I don’t like to ignore people, I send him a message asking who he was and why did he add me. I’d like to know something about the person before accepting the friend request.
Usually, if I add someone, is because minimum we had some exchange. For example, in a comment section from a group. Something they said was fun or interesting, so made me want to know them more. And usually, I say something about it: if not in the comments “hey, can I add you?” later, I send a message like “hey, I’m from x groups” or “I saw you like x and I think that’s cool, I love it too”
So I feel a bit confused when someone does it out of the blue without saying anything at all like, why did you add me?
And I want to give people a chance bc, maybe they are interesting, maybe we like each other, maybe there’s something there.
Ok so, I started talking to him and he asked questions. I know that is a way that people use to get to know someone like “Where are you from? What do you do for a living? What music do you like? do you have siblings?”. But I don’t like to talk to someone when the conversation looks like a questionnaire, I feel it draining. It makes me have to think of an answer and I don’t always have the energy for that.
I much rather when there’s a topic that I can join, or when the other person tells me stuff and I can comment.
Maybe it’s s something personal, but I feel like when people only ask you questions like “How are you? what’s new?” etc is kinda lazy, like… I have to entertain them.
So I stopped replying to him and felt guilty.
Yesterday I did send him a message saying that I’m not really looking for new virtual friendships because they took too much energy for me. But I apologize if I was being inconsiderate
Do you think that is mean to delete someone’s friend request or not responding messages if you really don’t feel like talking to them? IDK maybe is someone who doesn’t know how to make friends and is trying their best. Or sometimes a guy just adds a bunch of random girls to see what he can get.
Something like this happens to me in person too, sometimes people ask me questions when I don’t want to talk about myself or I’m tired and people say that is unpolite to not reply, so what can I do then?
I have the impulse to withdraw myself and it is difficult for me to verbalize what is happening at the time, and I feel like I’m being mean or inconsiderate to others.
What do you think?
7 comments
Not mean, no.
Stop thinking about this in a personal way. If he has no connection to you, he is not viewing you as a potential friend. This account could very well be a Phishing scam, or something similar. It could also very well be a bot. Do not concern yourself with the feelings of completely random screen names on the internet. Delete, block, and move on with a clear conscience.
You’re worried about being mean to a person that you haven’t even met and basically don’t know who he is?
I’d be worried he’s a safety threat.
Boundaries and limits aren’t mean; they’re a form of self-awareness and self-respect. Sometimes we don’t consciously know what all our boundaries and limits are, and it takes the kind of situation you experienced for us to realize something is important to us. If you don’t want to talk to strangers in a subway station, don’t. If you don’t want to accept friend requests from someone who’s sketchy about how they know you, don’t. If you don’t want to communicate when you’re tired, don’t. If you don’t want to participate in conversations where you do all the work, don’t. If folks push back when you enforce your personal boundaries/limits, they’re the mean and inconsiderate ones, not you. Good luck!
I’ve had that happen, and it usually turns out that there cat fishing, I think you’re doing the right thing
He tried to start a conversation, but he wasn’t very good at it. You wanted to engage, but you didn’t have much to go off of.
“Conflicted and a bit bad” is a completely normal way to feel about an interaction like that.
You’re allowed to share with him that you’re conflicted, but you don’t have to. It might lead to a better conversation, it might not.
Wait, lol, “that is the way that people use to get to know someone” have I lost touch? Okay so how do people get to know each other now?
questionnaire conversations, “it makes you have to think of answers, I feel it draining.”
The questions you’ve listed don’t require must thought.
So you want them to tell you something so you can comment or start rambling about a topic that hopefully you find interesting so you can join and discuss the topic? It sounds like you want them to entertain you. Did you ask questions or bring up a topic you find interesting?
why do you view a person asking basic getting to know you questions as kinda lazy? You not wanting to think of answers sounds a bit lazy.
Are you assuming that this person doesn’t know how to make friends base on how your conversation?
If your in the middle of a conversation it’s rude to not excuse yourself.
If you don’t want to talk about yourself, calmly change the subject, if they ask/question you why, then pleasantly inform them you simply don’t enjoy talking about yourself.
It is very rude and disrespectful to not respond when asked a question, because you’re “tired”
I’m sorry but you should learns some manners.
Please explain because I don’t understand how your interaction with this person, took so much energy from you. Am I missing something?