I (F26) have been dating my boyfriend (M26) for 7 years. He has been babied his entire life (lives at his parents house, doesn’t pay a single bill, dad bought him a car, etc), and he just plays video games and sleep 24/7. Meanwhile I’ve had to work for everything I have, I pay my mom rent to help her out, have bills, advancing my schooling, work full time. I’m the one who introduced him to what a bank account is,debit/credit card, helped him with his degree, work, and his current successful career. His family has shown him no guidance and wants him to stay under their control. Recently I feel like our relationship has been stagnant for awhile now. We haven’t made accomplishments or progress within our relationship. I feel like I’m the only adult in the relationship.. I asked him if he wanted to eventually marry me and he said of course. So I asked him if we could look at rings for when the time comes. He tells me for me to go by myself and text him what i liked because he’s too embarrassed if someone asks him why it’s been so long since he hasn’t proposed. So he obviously feels that it has been a very long time? I understand it’s been awhile since we were in college, but we graduated and have good jobs now. So what’s the hold up now? & all this time I have never been invited to a family dinner or any holidays, all because his dad doesn’t like me because of my race. He’s always at my house and my family treats him like their own. I asked him how he would feel about moving out and starting our lives together and he just keep making excuses. Like we won’t have enough money, he’d rather save for a house, doesn’t want to live in some apartment etc. I can’t help but to feel I have been wasting my time with a big man child who can’t commit and wants to live in his parents basement his whole life. What should I do?
7 comments
You deserve better
Well, absolutely do not marry a man who has been babied by his parents his entire life, unless you plan to baby him for the rest of yours. He is not going to be partner to you, he is going to be a dependent.
Don’t waste another 7 years with him and then wish you would have ended things 14 years ago. Find someone who can be an actual *partner* to you.
I don’t know how to nicely say this, so I’m sorry, but this is a rare instance where I had fairly easy and straightforward advice through the first half of the post and then the second half of the post monumentally changed everything.
In short, to answer your title question, yes. It’s sucks and I’m sorry, but better to know now than continue to waste time. Everything about him and this relationship is a red flag.
You don’t exist. How do you expect that to work long term? He’s embarrassed to look for rings? I don’t even agree with your logic behind it, but his argument was absolutely pathetic.
I’m all for saving money and wouldn’t even inherently say him living at home at 26 is a problem. But what does he do? What’s the plan? He wants to buy a house which is great. How’s that going to happen?
Let him know how you feel. Communication is the most important part of a relationship besides trust. Maybe he and you can articulate a plan. Or, at worst you will gain a better understanding of his want and preparedness to grow up.
I strongly encourage you to look up similar posts like this with the keywords ‘wasted’ ‘propose’. And it sucks to tell you this but this story is basically the same damn story every time.
You have a girl and a guy who have been dating a long time. And the girl wants to get married. But it’s almost always the guy who just keeps coming up with excuses as to why it’s not the right time or some other excuse. Seriously, go look at how uncannily similar these stories always are.
You have given him all the benefits of marriage without being commit to marriage. He is not going to have any desire to marry you unless you force him to.
I think you have 2 reasons to move on:
* He hasn’t cut the umbilical cord yet. You got together when you were in your teens. You have matured. He has not. Do you really want to mother him? Or do you want to marry someone who will be an equal partner?
* At the other end of that umbilical cord is a racist mommy (and daddy). Parents that baby man doesn’t even have the courage to introduce to you after 7 years together? Do you think they will “let” their son get married? Or be good grandparents should you one day choose to have kids.
Cut this boy loose and find someone who already knows how to adult.
Leave him. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You’re only 26, you still have soooo much time. Find a decent man who will treat you right and increase your happiness instead of decrease it.