Hi,
Unsure if it us the correct platform but I’ll because I would love to read your thoughts.
I took part in a business meeting where some colleagues (including 2 other women) and I were discussing with 3 hierarchically senior foreign male counterparts from another company (ranging between 40 and 50-ish y.o.). One of my colleagues was in charge of the meeting, so I listened and took notes – and hence I was a lot focused on my papers, making sure however that I’d be polite and give attention to whomever was talking from time to time. I noticed that one of the 3 guests was unnecessarily turning his head towards me a bit, but I didn’t make anything out of it.
After the meeting ended, we accompanied our 3 guests to the door and continued working. However, later that evening, I met one of the only two straight male colleagues present at the gym. He immediately told me that him and the other only straight male man present (with whom in the past I have had some romantic chemistry that I shut down) had discussed how the 3 guests kept looking at me all the time and how inappropriate it was. He said that “despite my obvious beautiful appearance”, the guests should have refrained from staring at me. He told me that they were staring even while we walked them to the door, hence why he accompanied me to my floor instead of stopping at his (which I thought was only down to him forgetting to press the button on the elevator). I later asked our (gay male) colleague present whether he had detected anything weird, and he said that, like me, he had not – but he indeed said that the colleague who spoke to me also had told him that our guests were “flirting with me through their eyes”. I honestly think I was very professional throughout the meeting, and although I was elegantly put together and I was wearing heels and a high rise belt (while most of my colleagues were very casual), I think I behaved very professionally. I hence feel very bad about the fact that the whole conversation after that meeting was shifted by my colleagues towards our guests’ supposed interactions with me. I honestly feel very objectified for no reason and I hate that my looks have to get in the way of my professionalism. And I hate that it has to be the only two straight men present in the room who perpetrate this conversation. Am I overthinking it or am I right to be disappointed?

Many thanks.

[TL;DR: the only two male colleagues present in a meeting with some foreign male senior counterparts thought that the guests were inappropriately staring at me while another colleague and I didn’t notice anything – and talked about it with other colleagues. I am offended because I feel objectified and deprived of my professionalism.]

4 comments
  1. As a professional woman a bit older than you, I’d love to offer advice, but I have no idea what you’re asking.

    What two courses of action are you trying to choose between?

  2. I dont think staring at someone is objectifying them. If they made a comment about how the only thing you are good for is your looks then sure. But they didnt

    I dont see an issue. Except maybe a humble brag on your part to read so much into this

  3. This is simply to suggest an alternative perspective on what may have happened. I’m not condoning their rather amusing animalistic behavior. It seems like something out of a nature documentary (not to belittle your frustrations). Rather, I hope that this might inform you of a potential explanation on what occurred there.

    One angle that I might suggest considering is that they felt instinctively threatened by the presence of perceived competition. Ultimately, it’s more about their ego being bruised by the “blatant” appreciation of your appearance. It happens when men feel entitled to you by virtue of “working” with you, similar to the idea of “I was here first”. There is a lot of weird possessiveness that occurs in a male-female work environment and it’s a byproduct of our programming to seek security/safety. The reminder that they are not the only “eligible” males threatened their self-esteem and triggered a self-righteous response.

    I won’t recommend any actions other than to simply observe their behavior around you. You’re most likely going to experience some extra “attention” from them out of some warped form of “resource guarding”.

  4. There doesn’t seem to be much of a problem honestly. You can tell your colleague to stop spreading around as you said you wanted in a comment. Other than that, there really isn’t much else to do. Carry on I guess

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