I used to be such a romantic. I crave the idea of spending my life with someone. But I am just so guarded that the barrier to that trust is ridiculously high. Just to give a sample
-one ex and I dated for 6 years, found out that last year she was also dating her “platonic best friend” as well and gaslit me the whole time when I’d be suspicious. I found out I was actually right by accidentally walking in on them FaceTiming. Apparently she told him we had broken up a while ago 🙃🙃🙃🙃
-another said she needed some reassurance that I wanted to be in our relationship long term. So I legally signed over my car to her so she could come visit me from the hour plus drive. Only after I signed it over did she drop she was “afraid of driving long distances” and broke up with me immediately after, but she used the car to immediately start a new relationship with a guy closer to her
-another threatened to kill herself all the time whenever she didn’t get her way. If I didn’t drop everything I was doing to be with her, sometimes she’s cut herself over that so it was always a fun game of wondering if me having boundaries was gonna be the cause of her death.
-one of them reconnected with me years later when turns out the guy they left me for was cheating. She strung me along and was p clear that she’d be interested in getting back together but just needed some time, which I agreed with cause I also didn’t wanna be a rebound. But fun fact, no. I existed just to make her ex jealous. So the second he texted her saying he wanted her back, not only did she drop me like a hot potato, she pretended that absolutely nothing was happening between us and it was my fault for reading into things like her saying she liked me and openly going on dates. Apparently those were “friend dates” and she called them.
I’ve had probably about 6 relationships total and 100% ended with me being left for someone else. It’s hard to stay optimistic that anything else would turn out different. I am just so god damn jaded
20 comments
Yes, it’s normal. Take a break. However, and I’m not blaming at all, I found that when all the people I dated turned out to be problematic that I had to look inward. There was something *I* was missing and many things I tolerated that were warning signs of later issues. I’m not saying any of this is your fault but it might be worth reflecting to think about any early signs that you should have called it quits rather than give people the benefit of the doubt or make excuses for them. For me, I found reflection helpful because it didn’t mean things were hopeless.
this wouldn’t make me not trust other people, it would make me not trust my own judgment in picking quality partners (been there, still don’t trust myself)
Yes. Take a break. But do some soul searching. You were also in these relationships
how people treat you is not your fault, its a reflection of them. however, we also need to learn how to pay attention to signs so we don’t fall into similar problems . I had lots of painful experiences too but through therapy I’ve learned to speak up more, to set boundaries and listen to my gut feeling. I’ve learned to take my time and observe before I give anyone my time/attention/energy. I don’t let anyone push me into something I’m not ready for anymore! you just gotta be more aware of how you feel when you’re interacting with someone and speak up immediately. sometimes people will manipulate / invalidate you, you gotta learn how that looks like to know how/when to avoid it.
I have a trail of absolutely trash partners (many cheated and even more are married which is a huge wtf considering they were the bottom of the compost pile) and after my last experience being blinded by another trash bag I figured I had some inner work to do because something with my “picker” was broken. I mentioned a couple of my trash bag experiences and my therapist said we accept the love we think we deserve. (I know that old chestnut) But even more, we sort of subconsciously radiate flags or overlook flags or we SEE THEM (because let me tell you I see them but run at the like a bull in Spain) but yeah we stick with trash due to accepting that we’re only lovable on the same level as the trash we collect.
Apparently I come across like I hate men which isn’t true and I don’t think I’m jaded-cynical because I’ve spent enough solo time to be back in a more good vibes only mentality. I think I just have a habit of being a garbage lady on trash day picking up absolute bottom of the barrel people because while I’m secure in myself by myself I’m absolutely tragic in mixed company.
I’ve walked in on my partner cheating and had a pan of hot oil thrown at me. But I’ve also had moments straight out of a movie and slept next to the same woman every day for a decade.
My eggs are dead but romance isn’t. Heal from the tragedies and be open to the next opportunity
I would strongly suggest talking to a therapist about this. I don’t want to “blame” you, but if you’re always ending up in these type of relationships, you’re either not setting the right boundaries or part of the problem. I’m friends with my exes afterward
Omg, you’ve had such terrible luck. You sound like the male version of me. My picker is terrible. I no longer trust it and refuse to entertain any men my brain tells me I should. It’s too much of a gamble go near anyone. I’m going through therapy and hope that once I prioritise myself and discover who I truly am, my picker will be fixed. Maybe spend the time investing in you?
It’s normal.. I’m sceptical of almost everyone.
From the four you mentioned: 1 is bad luck. On 4, I’d suggest never getting back together with an ex (you also didn’t give any reason for why you got back together). On 2, never give property of a large value to someone you aren’t married to or living with, and even then have legal documents around it (like a pre-nup). Even with couples I know who live together, there is a lease — sometimes one person is on it and has the ability to evict the other person, while other times both are on the lease and could terminate when it ends.
For 3, I would call 911 or the suicide hotline if someone threatened suicide, and I would immediately cease any/all romantic interactions towards them until recovery.
It sounds like I’m not telling you anything you haven’t already figured out.
Sure, you can take a break. But it sounds like you’ve learned lessons from all of these relationships, except for the first relationship where there was nothing you could have done differently.
yes. i have a screenshot of a close friends story i posted that says “shoutout to my ex for being so terrible that i literally never want to be in a relationship again”.
… one month and one day after that post i went on my first date with my now-boyfriend. lol.
take time, take a step back, let yourself heal, and the. move forward. recognize the little signs and red flags you may have missed along the way so you can avoid those situations in the future. and then, once you feel ready, five back in. good luck!
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There’s only one thing you can do. Change you. It’s all you control. You are the common denominator. Take it from I guy who lived it and has a great life now.
I feel you, bro. My last Ex gaslighted the shit out of me. I thought I was going crazy. She told me all these stories of past exes who were jealous and abusive, I believed every story.
Then I noticed she becoming much more active on Instagram. Posting more pictures, showing more skin, with suggestive captions. I mentioned to her and she told me I was just being jealous and it reminded her of her ex. I tried to be the cool understanding boyfriend and ignored it.
Then she started going on “girls nights” and “girls trips” regularly. Depleting her savings to do. Again, I mentioned the change in her behavior and she went off, calling me names and saying I was being jealous. Again, trying to be the cool boyfriend I accepted that answer.
Then she stopped having sex with me. Again, I brought it up and she said it was manipulative that I was constantly bringing up sex and that she felt pressured. Again, I didn’t want to be that guy and ignored it.
Finally, she dumps me randomly. I go to her house and a guy is there. She had been dating him for months. He messaged her on Instagram and they had been flirting and started dating.
Her “girls nights” and “girls trips” were all a cover for her seeing this guy and traveling with him. She paid for everything as well, which hurt even more because she had gaslighted me into paying for everything as what a man is supposed to do. Almost 2 years together and she had paid for only one birthday dinner for me.
Shortly after dumping me the guy she was seeing ran off with another woman. She of course tried crawling back and asking for forgiveness. My dumbass would have taken her back, but she never apologized or admitted fault.
I was stressed for months over this woman. I lost weight because of the stress, for the first time in my life I felt emotionally unstable. People thought I had cancer or was dying because I wasn’t sleeping. It was nightmare.
Yes that’s pretty normal. I dated one confirmed borderline and at least one other that I suspect was, it can be a total mindfuck and leave you with PTSD. You might consider talking to a therapist at some point, I finally realized I’m attracted to some traits that are common with personality disordered people which was leading me into a pattern of dating people with those traits. The love bombing can really screw up your perception of what a relationship feels like, dating a non-disordered person can feel like there’s no spark.
Great 👍
I just had a good cry about my own “rough edges.” I think jaded is a stretch for me, but I feel like I have kind of a toughness around me.. I miss my softness, how I used to be so trusting, so giving. I’m definitely quite guarded and cautious now. I feel like my next boyfriend is going to have to really give me some TLC and earn my trust. It’s a lot to ask. I’ve been hurt bad. And I’ve been to therapy, I’ve healed a lot, I’ve forgiven those who hurt me. This is just where I’m at.
I think it’s normal. I don’t have any tips other than working on self-trust and vetting people better. At the end of the day you’re the one who pays for it and it can leave deep scars that take a long time to heal.
Many of us are jaded from past relationships, so the best we can do is learn from them and try to make the next one better. It sounds like you need to set and maintain your own boundaries in relationships as well as trust your instincts, so maybe you try again and trust your gut this time.
Fortunately, wounds heal with time if you take care of them and don’t let them fester. If you need to see a therapist, do that. But definitely don’t date until you’re ready to go into your new relationship without the baggage of your past.
Yep, I feel that pain as I am struggling with the idea to date again after my ex. Hopefully I can get some insight from everyone when I get enough karma to post here.