I posted a few days ago about this issue: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1198akw/husband\_37m\_moved\_in\_his\_siblings\_without\_even/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1198akw/husband_37m_moved_in_his_siblings_without_even/)
**The original post was this, as I think it was removed:** Husband and I have been married for 5 years. For some context, his siblings (Twins, M, F, early 20) are underdeveloped physically and mentally. They can take care of themselves as far as wiping themselves, going to the bathroom and feeding themselves, but they are rather weak, having brittle and fragile bones, and combined with their mental maturity, which is similar to that of about a 12-13 year old, they have to be monitored, cooked for, assisted with going up stairs, moving around for long distances etc. They can’t take care of themselves financially because of all this. All of this I knew while we were dating, but they were being cared for by a team of nurses and caregivers at that time, not in our home.
But about a few months ago, the team was all fired. My husband told me that he was planning to move them in, and about a week or so later, they were moved in, along with a new team. I had no say or even much of a heads up about any of it. The house suddenly became full of staff—someone was always there. Our privacy was basically snatched away. My husband already has a busy schedule (he’s a doctor, on call a lot) and now I feel like we barely have time to ourselves. I’m competing with everything and everyone. We were about to start a family now that we were all settled, things were good between us, but now everything has been thrown into chaos, and I don’t know how to feel. I feel almost a sense of grief. I feel like I have no control of anything. I feel like he just threw away our future and plans, as cruel as that may sound. We had a talk and everything was pointing toward a divorce, but I just feel so bitter. I feel like he’s just giving up. He feels like I’m not being thoughtful enough. I love him more than anything and want to salvage our marriage if I can, before just making any snap decisions. Any advice is appreciated.
Edit: also I should say, his parents are estranged—I’ve never met them, not even before we married. He cut them off a while ago, for a very understandable reason.
​
**The Update:**After taking everyone’s thoughts into consideration and taking some time to myself to think, I sat down with my husband when he was off call and told him I wanted to talk about everything that’s happened. He told me that he wanted to talk too, and we had a raw heart to heart about everything. We discussed the main issue that I mentioned in my previous post–I told him that I felt hurt about him not consulting or even telling me about what was going on, and he sincerely apologized for it, telling me that he wasn’t thinking about much else other than their situation, which I understood, even if it still made me feel a certain way.
But then he told me that he needed to be honest to me about something, and that he understood that it may affect things between us, but that the whole situation with his siblings and their previous care team made him realize it even more. He became very blunt. He told me that while he loves me more than anything, he loves them more, and that he has to put them first from now on, above anything. He told me that he couldn’t handle anything else happening, and that everything he’s done (the cameras, moving in the staff) was necessary. And while this of course hurt for me to hear (even though, I understand, like I have for this whole situation) I realized some things. He might have acted selfishly at first (even if it was understandable), but my reaction could’ve been better, I admit. He was breaking down right in front of me, reliving trauma that reminded him of his childhood, and I was too busy in my own feelings to offer any true support. I felt awful about that.
I didn’t mention much of it in the previous post, but his parents were truly awful people–their neglect caused the undeveloped/regressed state of the twins in the first place, and if he hadn’t taken care of them while they were small, they possibly wouldn’t have survived. They’re very attached to him, almost like a small child with their parent. As painful as it was, I accepted that I couldn’t come before their relationship.I did know about his legal obligation before we became married, so I obviously knew they were important to him. I have no bitter feelings toward the two–they’re innocent in this situation and are very precious in their ways in general.
As far as our future plans, we agreed that we’d wait a few years (3 at the max) before truly deciding if we wanted to have a child or not (we were on the fence, but I was falling in love with the idea of motherhood perhaps more than I realized). He was also very receptive about having designated areas that were “staff only” and “me” only. It’s already been implemented a bit (with still more things to out in place) and I’m feeling a lot better about that already. And lastly, I realize that this may seem like the fool’s option to some (to the many who jumped straight to divorce) but now I know of all the facts and where he stands, so anything that may happen from now will be completely on me. I feel hopeful in my decision, and am not wanting to give up. For him,and the marriage that I still value so much, I am willing to give it a try and try to adjust to our new normal. Thank you to everyone who helped me.
48 comments
Well, I can’t even begin to imagine what your husband has been through, nor his siblings. I don’t have good advice since I can’t begin to comprehend how to handle this awful situation all around.
All I **can** say is, you can endure this as long as you can. But, if it comes the time where you feel unable to continue, you need to leave, for your own mental health. As sad as it might be, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep them warm just because you want to stay with him.
Sooner or later, there’ll be a moment where it comes between you or them, your husband already told you who comes first. I’m NOT saying to hold this over him or even feel resentful. All I’m saying, you gotta keep this thought at the back of your mind once/if the hammer drops.
He’s already told you that you won’t be first. Think if you can deal with that forever. If you can, good. I wish you a long and happy life. But don’t stay and then realize 10 years later you made the wrong choice.
Plus, you’re 32. 3 more years could mean a pregnancy is more dangerous or difficult. If you truly want kids, think about your ages. Delaying having kids will probably make it so that he doesn’t want them in the future as he gets older.
Communication for the win.
I’m glad that you were able to talk and find compromise that took some pressure off of you which in turn will help you support him.
Love sometimes doesn’t conquer all. But trust and communication will get you most of the way.
He’s still strongarming you. And now he’s presented you with a “This is how it is, this is how it shall be.”
If you do have children, he will still choose his siblings first. That’s an insanely difficult road ahead.
And in 3 years when you decide you definitely want kids, but you and your child will always behind his siblings, what then?
You’ll be 35 trying to find a new partner who also wants kids and will prioritise you. That isn’t the easiest path.
Or you could stay, let him impregnate you, knowing that if some thing happens to his siblings when your having a difficult pregnancy, or you’re in labour, or if your child is sick or you’ve had a tough day… he will not prioritise you.
No child deserves to live not being their parents priority. Your husband has told you you are not his priority. Think about what will actually mean.
I’m sorry, he told you you and your future children will never be as important as his siblings, and you blamed yourself?
I understand his trauma but this isn’t healthy for him. It’s certainly not healthy for you, and you should both be seeing individual therapists in the matter.
You should really consider if bringing children into this house and this relationship, ever, is a good idea (it’s not), and if not, if you’re willing to give up on motherhood for someone who doesn’t do much as consider you when making major life decisions.
Btw, as a parent, I wouldn’t make a move like that without warning and preparing my child. And as a spouse I would never even have overnight visitors without talking to my husband. It’s not just that he loves his siblings, it’s that you’re an afterthought
My only question is would your children come after his siblings as well?
Because I can understand that they as essentially children come before you, but would your future kids also fall into that pattern? What about vacations or trips? Would you be able to go or will it be a situation in which you can’t leave the home together?
In any case it’s good that you feel better and at peace with the decision.
Why wait 3 years knowing you’ll never be a priority? Get out now. Sooner you start healing the sooner you will.
Time for him to provide a bigger home, with 2 wings!!
If you are willing to accept 3rd place in his life, make sure you have what makes you happy!
Communication is key! Sounds like you’re both heading in the right direction. I wish you all the best for your life together 💜
Honestly, I think you are a fool, neither you or any children you have will ever be a priority to him. How can you even consider bringing children into the world with someone who will always treat them as though they aren’t a priority in his life. Your children will grow up wondering why Daddy doesn’t love me the same as his siblings, that’s a cruel thing to do.
Wow the totally turned that conversation on you. He made it about him and his trauma and manipulated you into not arguing with him.
You’re not supposed to use your trauma as a trump card in arguments. You can have trauma and still be an asshole. He’s not considering your feelings at all.
You have a tender heart so you want to sooth him but you’re ignoring how you got into this situation. He has ignored and disrespected you. He has destroyed you sense of home and your future. On top of that he told you he doesn’t love you.
As long as you pity him he will use that to control you. As long as you love him so much you won’t be able to see the red flags.
Do not have children with this man. He essentially already has 2 and will always choose them over you and yours.
I’m sorry, but if my husband told me he loved his siblings most and they came first above all else, I would not stay married to him.
This is a tragic situation, but you don’t have to stay in it.
I recommend this post to all spouses aspiring to be doormats.
Reading your post:
he got worried about a bad nursing team for his siblings, threw them out and got all of them over to your house.
So you are living in a nursing home now. Without a chance on a say in whatever concerns both of you.
Depending on their condition and the progress/ stagnation of his siblings health status you may be in for tenth of years of life being unimportant in your own home.
YOU value your marriage.
HE values his siblings.
The chance, that you may be really able to sit through it until it eventually ever gets better again are very small.
Depending on what caused their conditions they still may have a very long life ahead of them.
You spoke about “brittle bones”.
Prior to ever thinking of having children, please have checked genetically, if there isn’t a hereditary health condition in that family.
Where his parents may be responsible for his siblings mental state, the brittle bone issue very likely can’t be imputed to them.
Inform yourself of what is REALLY happening in that family.
Him being apparently healthy may not be a safeguard of him transmitting a genetically transmissible condition.
Consider having children twice and really really do get records straight. Otherwise what HE is going through currently with his siblings may become YOUR future with your children.
You have taken that decision now, which really shows how much you love him and stand by him.
But do rember: if it becomes unbearble… these are his kin. Not yours. You had no say. So it’s not a responsibility YOU have to bear until your own old age.
I am very sorry that this happened to you. And seeing your husband act as though he was a skilled medical caregiver and could decide on all that without medical supervision makes me upset for his siblings. And for you. Even IF he is a doctor… I find his decision to turn himself into a nursing home rather to search for a better one as an emergency doctor is very irresponsible and emotional.
He may be in to -one not so far day- being totally burned out. Healthcare is a job division eating up the peoples strengt and lives who are working in it.
Please do consider that.
And closely watch your own mental and physical health and chose to take the door if it becomes unbearable.
He left your common marriage the day he went to housemate and caregiver modus with his siblings.
I don’t know if you really processed this by now.
Don’t start a family with him, you’d only be increasing the number of unhappy people in that household. He’s chosen to be a caretaker over a husband and he will likely choose it again over being a father.
I do not know how you don’t feel like a doormat after being told you’ll never be his priority. My heart breaks for you. I wish you could just dip into my magical bag of self-respect and take one for yourself :⭐️🌟⭐️
Is there a possibility that the siblings move to a nearvy flat?
Taking responsibility for his siblings is one thing, justifying it by creating a hierarchy of feelings is another. I might be old-fashioned, but telling your spouse you love someone else more than them is just… unacceptable. That alone should be a deal breaker. I see red flags in his attitude towards you, and the present situation has nothing to do with it.
I’m wondering if your husband feels like the twins are his children. He was all they had, they were all he had. Sounds like a horrible situation to be put in and he’s doing all he can for them. I can see how you feel, but I think he’s “putting the children first.”
I… look, I’m happy for you that you’ve been able to find an understanding with your husband that you can both work with short-term but you really don’t sound happy. At all. You sound like a devoted, loving woman who is resigned to sacrificing much of what she wants and deserves in life in order to preserve a marriage where you currently rank 3rd in your husband’s eyes.
> He told me that while he loves me more than anything, he loves them more, and that he has to put them first from now on, above anything
That’s… not where you should fall as his wife. You should be 1st until you have a child, at which point you and your husband should both fall to 2nd in each other’s eyes. Tbh, I’m really concerned about your plans to bring a kid into this situation. Where will your child rank (probably 3rd, if your husband is sincere that his siblings will always come before **anything** else in his life), and where will that put you? 4th? Do you really want to spend your life in 4th place? Do you think your child deserves to come in 3rd? It’s hard enough for a kid to grow up taking the backseat to a disabled sibling, but taking the backseat to their adult aunt and uncle…?
Good luck. Sincerely. I would really encourage you to continue thinking about whether this is the life you want and if it’s the life you want for your future child. If you truly believe you can make it work, then great. I hope you can. Divorce is hard and scary, especially when it’s no one’s fault, but no one wins when you stay in a marriage just because one person wants things to work out.
Have y’all thought about getting a big piece of land with two houses on it? One for the twins and the staff and then one being y’all’s house? It feels like y’all have money to have a big enough house to accommodate all of that in the first place.
I would not bring a child into this situation. A child will always come last to him. That is no way to grow up. I’d leave him. I don’t foresee this being a happy existence.
I mean he told you he will never put you first. Ever. So you come second to his siblings which he has moved into your shared home complete with caretakers unannounced. It doesn’t matter how innocent his siblings are, this man is in a hell of his own family’s and upbringing’s creation. You most likely will never have a child, you have 2 now who will depend on you til they pass away which may last almost the entire duration of you and your husband’s lives. No vacations, I’m sure your personal and entertainment costs are already being cut to house, clothe, feed and care for them. So essentially you are now a live in unpaid assistant to your in-laws. Your husband does not love you as much as them. He doesn’t care how you feel about it. It sounds like you want to be miserable and a martyr and drudge away at their side til you wither away. Good luck with that, remember though you will never be number one to your husband your hopes and aspirations don’t matter anymore. You are literally accepting 3rd priority for the rest of your life assuming your husband loves you more than himself.
OP. You’re 32.
If you plan to have kids at 35, you need to focus on adoption or expect to spend a LOT on IVF. You can still have kids, but be prepared for this is be incredibly difficult.
If you want biological children, your best bet is to walk away and find someone with your same life goals.
How happy will you be if you don’t have children? You need to face that question honestly. How long will the siblings be in the house if there’s no real plan for them to leave?
He’s already told you that you come second. Where will your child fall? How will your child be neglected? He’s already shown he will ignore your input for your own household, so do you expect better treatment in the future when he’s told you he’s not going to change?
Honestly, if I were you, I would pack my bags and leave.
That he is by his siblings is a very good quality of his character!!!! He is a person, A MAN, that takes care of his family and trust me when I tell this he will do everything and above for you too!!! But please from your side too be more supportive and considerate towards them, it is not only that he became a doctor while taking care of his siblings it is also that he saved them!!!! He is a true hero and you should look up to him!!! Try to be more understanding please and try harder, everyday harder!!! I wish you all from all my heart the happiness that you all deserve and beyond that!!!!
🤡
Consider finding a new home that has separate or separated living quarters. This could help give you some privacy and some semblance of normal.
He will expect you to put them before yourself too. What if one day for some reason, you and the twins are the ones left? You will be their main carer and will be expected the same level of sacrifice.
Ahhh… The joys of holding on to the “doctor’s wife” title. Do you have a job? What’s in your life apart from him and now all these people in your space?
So the “compromise” is… he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants, change your entire future plans, take away your privacy, and you learn to like it.
He chose his siblings because they’re essentially children and can never disagree with him or have their own ideas. Now you’ve decided you’re going to give up all your own agency so he might love you like he loves them.
Just remember don’t burn yourself to keep others warm.
So please have an exit plan for you, for when you do hit your limit. Good luck.
sorry to say but the 3 years are just proloning and pointless.
I think my biggest question is, why was it unacceptable to find a new care team outside your home? Why did he think the care arrangement had to be invasive of you private life, to the point he didn’t even really see a point in discussing options? (He should ABSOLUTELY still have given you a heads up). Idk, not adding up for me
I’m glad you two finally say down and talked. It’s hard to hear that some things are bigger than us, but really some things are bigger than us.
Sometimes, caretakers have to shift/add priorities, but that doesn’t make you any less of a priority.
I’m glad you’re in a situation where there is a full staff and you’re getting your own space, hopefully it will help make things less stressful and can provide a quiet space for both of you to enjoy.
Use your opportunities to take care of yourself and make him take care of himself so neither of you will have to suffer from caretaker fatigue too often.
>I realized some things
This was the point I was expecting you to say you realized your husband does not love you the way a husband loves a wife. Because he literally told you that. But no, you’re blaming *yourself*?
You will never come first. Any future kids with him will never come first. He’s trauma-bonded with these siblings in a way he won’t with your kid. You’re kid will hopefully be healthy and need him less, and so they will come third, after his siblings.
What is this man giving you that keeps you there? Are you his pet SAHW while he provides you a nice lifestyle? Because call it what it is. This isn’t love.
“he said he loves me more than anything”
“he loves his siblings more”
you see the contradiction, right? he does not love you more than anything.
I understand his bond with his siblings. but he is your main priority, and you are not his.
if you stay, you are signing up for a life where you’re always compromising and putting someone else first, and there is noone to show you that same support, not ever.
if you can live with that, I wish you the best. but be prepared to be very drained and overlooked, and for it to wear you down to your bones over the years
Cause having a child always fixes problems.
It took weeks before you were even able to sit down and talk to him. This man isn’t going to be present enough for his own siblings that he loves more than you, let alone a baby.
Divorce is a perfectly reasonable avenue to take when your partner is no longer living a life you can participate in. You can either be single now or you can be a single mother later when you have this conversation again.
🤡🤡🤡
Hey, I remember your post & I am glad you were able to talk.
I still think some kind of counseling would be great. I still say marriage counseling, but honestly, if your husband is walking around with that much trauma and neglect from childhood, he may really need solo help.
It sounds like he’s a very high-functioning person. From the outside, no one would suspect anything. Often years of high functioning can eventually come crashing down. Also, what happened to him & his siblings, all three’s parental neglect and the caretaker’s abuse are not his fault and I hope he can resolve his guilt.
Dude, you should honestly just leave. When the shoe drops, you’ve already been told where you stand. In 3yrs, it won’t be the right time because of them. You want to go on vacation with just him? Nope! Say goodbye to anything super romantic outside of dinner for your anniversary. He’s checked out of the relationship by saying his siblings come first. No matter what, unless your own kids are involved, your spouse is supposed to come first and foremost. If you’ve got kids, they come first, then the spouse. Either way, this is not a healthy situation and I really don’t see it ending well for you.
So you’re still considering kids? My question is where would these potential kids fall in his line of priorities?
I’m sorry OP, I don’t see this ending well and you’re in for a life of sacrifices if you manage to continue.
Feel really bad about reading the update. Your husband has no serious issues and apparently he does have a fairly large heart when it comes to them. But you were the only one in your relationship. He’s already now told you that you come in second. He didn’t, talk to you about the whole situation prior to. So he’s living his life and he’s doing what he wants and needs to do but he gives you no consideration and he has even admitted that I get you’re in a tough place but how are you supposed to be in a relationship when you’re not truly in a relationship? What are you to him?
It sounds like you feel good about the way things went for the two of you and where they could go. It’s awesome to hear that you both got to talk and feel heard.
The arrangement is already improving. The decision to bring more children in the situation is out there but I hope you feel good choosing the option that is right for you when the time comes.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is uplifting to see people can work things out when they talk to one another and go in respecting where the other person comes from in their views and feelings.
You weren’t even an afterthought in this situation. He did all of this without sparing even the slightest thought for you.
People saying OP should be number 1- it sounds as though he has a legal responsibility for his siblings as though they are his adopted children. Once you’ve made the decision to adopt children they are supposed to always come first, aren’t they?
This is undeniably a *really* difficult situation for OP, but to say that someone shouldn’t value their siblings over their partner is oversimplifying it and fails to acknowledge the legal responsibility he has over his siblings. It sounds as though this responsibility predated the marriage. Unfortunately for OP, this is the reality of marrying someone who, for all intents and purposes, has kids.