I’m 21, my gf is 20. We’ve been together for about 5 years and are happily in love. I don’t know how often other couples have sex, but for the most part it’s just something we’re on and off about. Sex isn’t a priority to her, in fact it’s not even in the top 1000 things she cares about. Having been abused as a child, it’s understandable. Me and her are on the same page. Most importantly i care about her, i respect her.
For the times we Do have sex though, they mostly play out the same way. She only wants to ride/missionary, and after a bit she gets tired/overwhelmed and says that We should stop. I never question her, though there’s always awkwardness after, only because it ends so abruptly. She always blames herself and assumes i’m upset at her. Which i’m not. As fucked up as it sounds i’m not the best at reassuring during uncomfortable moments, i just never know what to say. I don’t blame her at all, but i wanna be able to show her i’m not upset or mad at her for her not wanting to continue. What should i do?
3 comments
Sounds like time for a professional. Potentially for the two of you as a couple, and potentially for both of you as individuals
I don’ think there is a quick answer here. And sounds like the two of you need to work on your communication.
Maybe just hold her and say, “I’m so happy I get to be with you. I love cuddling with you and I’m feeling really wonderful just sitting here and holding you in my arms. I love you so much.”
In other words, instead of just saying “it’s okay that we’re not having sex,” which she may have trouble believing, tell her that you’re actually enjoying what’s happening at that moment. And mean it.
Also, I hope she is able to see a therapist to help her process all her trauma. I’m sure it must be really awful for her to have to deal with these overwhelming feelings all the time. I hope things get easier for her.
A few things: theoretically therapy could help her, personally I didn’t love that route and I struggled similarly for a long time. Just hold her and tell her exactly that “I’m not upset or mad or anything, I’m happy I get to do that with you and I hope you’re okay.” Wanting to have sex and mentally struggling to cope with abuse is just a shitty feeling, she is going to blame herself bc she’s trying to enjoy something and she just can’t. It’s just how we feel in the moment, but it doesn’t mean anything is actually wrong with her for having these issues. If you guys just cuddle and enjoy holding each other, that used to really help me get to an emotional place where I could trust a partner enough to have sex successfully. Tbh antidepressants too. It really helps the side effects of ptsd