Ive (23 F) been dating my bf (22 M) for almost a year now. I’ve learned so many things from him. I changed so much after meeting him. We’ve been pushing each other alot, to be better mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. He is very Christian and traditional. I respect him alot.
There are moments where I feel exhausted with how much ive changed and how much I still need to change to be “wife material”. Its made me feel like im never good enough and I have to scrap everything about me and mold myself into what he wants. Which he says a woman changing for her man is a good thing.
But when i express concerns with him about things that bother me, he becomes silent and i guess takes it very negatively.
I just want to know if these are things I should be concerned about or just try to get past them and ignore these thoughts. Because it could just be my overthinking and emotional side. I could just be dramatic.
The first thing that has bothered me is the constant need to be sexual about everything and trying to have authority over me. I joke around and he calls me a brat then turns it into something sexual. I talk about something innocent, turns into something sexual.
i told him i wish we could be more innocent, loving and caring.
Hes always there for me to talk about my family troubles so I never reject him being sexual. It just feels like a trade off now. Its depressing. We dont have that innocent love and compassion.
Are men not interested in that?
The second thing is him revolving the relationship around strict roles and duties of a woman and a man.
As the woman, I am meant to sexually satisfy him, provide him children, take care of the children and him, take care of the home, feed the family. Im okay with that.
His role is to provide the money, protect and lead the family.
The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is, the relationship is SOO SERIOUS. Roles this, roles that. Its a literal job.
Isn’t a relationship supposed to be more happy, loving and enjoying each other? Not constant rules and constant expectations?
Im so exhausted. Im really trying so hard to be perfect for him. But im throwing EVERYTHING away. I feel like im losing pieces of myself.
I have constant anxiety because he expects all these things of me and what if theres things I cant provide. He wants many kids but i told him i cant promise that so he needs to figure out whether im worth that risk. He just went silent and said that the only reason for me not having more would be from a life or death risk.
I feel like How i felt at home. Always feeling not good enough, constantly doing things to get praise, putting everyone before me and feeling unappreciated.
These are just my feelings though. I could be thinking about this too much, that’s why I’d like you guys to tell me if i might be over reacting.
Im just scared im always going to be walking on eggshells.
• Are you guys very strict with roles in a relationship?
• Is it innocent, fun, caring, sweet and compassionate?
• Do you expect 100% a certain amount of kids from your partner? For example, it must be at least 4 kids or you dont want to be with her.
• Is it normal for guys to be sexual all the ?time Always making sexual jokes and remarks about everything.
• Am I possibly being held back too much by him?
• Are these strict roles too much?
Also I should add. This is my first ever relationship. Same with him.
Tl;dr :
Bf is very traditional. Expects me to fulfill all my future mother and wife roles. Same for him.
All we talk about is what he expects. Nothing ever innocent and carefree.
Read the bullet points if you dont want to read it all and just answer those please
2 comments
This sounds like ragebait, but I will bite.
No, strict gender roles in the relationship is not the norm anymore. Frankly, probably 60% (i got that number out of my ass completely) of the population today can’t even apply them because you can’t survive on one salary.
Relationships are supposed to be fun as well. When you are unhappy with something, you should be able to tell your partner about that and try and work together a solution. It’s a partnership, and not a vertical hierarchy.
Tell me, what does “lead and protect the family” mean in today’s world? It seems to me like you have clear roles to fulfill while he’s just supposed to provide money and “wing it”. Isn’t it a bit too unbalanced in terms of these roles? Why is the woman supposed to do all the work while the men can just slack as long as they provide money?
If you really have no grasp about healthy relationships when you have access to the internet and time to research, idk what to tell you, but the fact that men like this will take advantage of you.
I don’t really think you can change into a person that will ever fit his defined wife role. No one really can fit his version of an ideal wife because in order to become that person you have to give up a large amount of autonomy.
Being a wife and having traditional values is totally okay. You get to choose what you want to do but your partner seems to be pushing these values as rules.
You shouldn’t be doing anything remotely close to the responsibility of a wife because he hasn’t proposed and you haven’t gotten married yet. You are still two separate people in the eyes of Christian values and the traditional values. You don’t get milk if you haven’t bought the cow yet type if stuff.
Rushing into marriage at a young age isn’t the best idea either. I grew up knowing of religious friends getting married and having terrible relationships due to stigma around sex. You guys are young and if your feeling uneasy now talk to someone you trust. Revaluate your options and end the relationship if you feel that isn’t going anywhere good.
You can have a traditional relationship with a person who shares the same pace and calm/sweet feelings you do. The way things are set up seem a little strict. You should love and experience life by choosing what you want.
1. The roles should be agreed upon but not strict like rules.
2. You can have fun and sweet moments shared with your partner without it turning sexual.
3. You can’t always get the number of kids you want. Sometimes you can but complications do happen. It’s okay to have a number but he shouldn’t get upset if you can only bare 3.
4. Guys who are sexual all the time are probably just thinking about sex. You should have the ability to talk about wholesome stuff or macabre stuff without it turning it into a sex joke.
5. You could be held back by him. But your the only one who can decide that.
6. You feel that they are strict. Then they are strict. You should feel comfortable in your relationship.