TL;DR ..is having opposing views on marriage a dealbreaker for you??
I have a partner of about 3 years. All aspects of our relationship is great and feels like the healthiest one I’ve experienced thus far.
However, any talk of marriage is always awkward. My partner sees no point in getting married, states that it changes nothing in the relationship, and quite frankly is a piece of paper.
I, on the other hand, would like to have a spouse in the future and it’s something I see with them. I’m in no rush to get married any time soon and don’t see a point in a wedding when I have debt from undergrad and grad school. I view it as a serious commitment to someone you love and my partner works a high-risk career, so should anything ever happen I would like to be their next of kin. (We had a scare last fall, where I was not being permitted to visit because I “was not immediate family”)
We both see a long-term future with one another and aside from this there aren’t too many other things that would make me want to call things off, but this one feels, in my heart, like a deal breaker..
I feel as though either way, one of us will be making a compromise to do what the other wants. If we don’t get married, I believe that I would feel resentment towards them as more time passed. If we did get married, they may resent me too.
Has anyone experienced this? This has been heavy on my mind especially since they made a recent comment to me saying “let this be a learning moment—just because you ask or show me something that you want, doesn’t mean you’ll always get it.” I know they felt immediately bad, but the context in which that was said was meant to be light and joking, but they could see it in my face that it stung. Ughhhh.
Thanks for any insight or shared stories/feelings.
2 comments
If one person wants to get married and the other person doesn’t there is no compromise position there, it’s similar to stuff like kids, monogamy etc…
I (29F) was the one who didn’t view marriage as a big deal and never really dreamed of my wedding etc. or thought it would happen for me. But, it was/is important to my partner (30M). We get married in sept after 7 years dating.
A big factor or that changed my mind was the medical aspect. Also we just bought a house, so that got me thinking about it anything happened to him. We also have been talking more about finances as a team (home renovations, paying off student loans etc). Also, you don’t get social security survivor benefits if unmarried or qualify for most employee health plans etc. Society values marriage whether we like it or not, and I didn’t want my relationship to be viewed as “less than.” Also I saw a lot of friends getting married and realized it’s not a huge deal.
It is concerning to me that he didn’t take your concerns about medical stuff seriously especially since being in a high risk career. *If* it’s about pre-martial assets, you could get a prenup to protect against that. Also… if he just views it “as a piece of paper” what’s the big deal then? If it means a lot to you. That leads me to think there’s something deeper or another reason.
I would definitely probe further but do think this could be a deal breaker for you if he doesn’t change his mind, because it sounds like you may become resentful.