My wife got into a fight with our daughter this morning over something trivial. My daughters reaction due to the anger and raised voices was to toss her fork down and storm upstairs. She’s 8 and learning to deal with her emotions. Afterwards, I asked my wife what happened and mentioned that yelling at her isn’t going to make things any better. She responds by telling me “don’t come at me” and gets defensive. After I told her to stop and that her behavior is impacting our daughter and I’m not going to let it slide, she said “I know I’m a fucking idiot” then stormed onto the back porch.
She spent the next 20 minutes outside while I calmed my daughter down and got the kids ready for school. The worst part is that my daughter wouldn’t even go to the doorway to get her shoes when my wife was standing inside. Her instability is fracturing their relationship yet I can’t get her to see it. She shuts down any attempt at talking and I’m not sure what the hell to do.
8 comments
I don’t know, but kids are annoying. I have a 9 year old girl that I sometimes consider hanging up in a closet.
Please check out Gottman’s 4 Horsemen, Stonewalling is a current issue right now but there is other issues these two need to work on.
Also your wife needs to work on her “I feel…” statements when talking about emotions
Sounds like your wife is having some mental health struggles right now. If she’s not in therapy, I would try to bring it up as a suggestion to her. Also you may want to look into family or marriage counseling to work through everyone’s feelings and to learn to communicate better.
Technically, the term for calling oneself names is called “labeling.” It deepens the person’s poor self esteem and hurts their sense of self-value.
It really is a dysfunctional communication tactic and she could be saying that as a means of competing with you, because she feels a sense of being devalued.
She’s reacting poorly to your daughter’s upset, being told she’s impacting her negatively, and it just further reinforces that she is not a “good” parent.
You say she shuts down any attempt to communicate – I’m guessing she wouldn’t be keen on the idea to go to therapy to help her learn better communication and interpersonal skills?
It’s self-deprecation/self-disparaging. Your wife’s behaviour sounds like she needs to speak to someone outside of the home: but really- don’t ‘come at her’.
Not trying to armchair diagnose, but when I’m overwhelmed, overly anxious (high anxiety), whatever- my fuse gets shorter. Learning to recognize that BEFORE it blows and coping mechanisms to unlight the fuse is something you get from CBT (therapy, not oil) and/or medication of she and her doc think it would be helpful.
But you walking in while she’s already stressed/wound up and saying “here’s what you did wrong”?
Bruh. That’s just asking for trouble.
Wait until tensions are not so high and approach with kindness, love, and support: how can I help? How can we make time for you to <insert self care activity> or <talk to someone> if she’s open to that. Even an honest conversation with her primary care doc might be beneficial to guide her in the right direction (again, if she’s open).
I’ve read your post and replies here. Quite Franky your wife is acting in a manner that’s extremely toxic to your daughter’s well-being. It may not be physical abuse but emotional damage is just as bad. If a child is scared to ask their parent a question because the fear the parent is going to yell, that is a bad place to be. Your daughter is approaching a very formative few years and if this continues, she will not come out unscathed by your wife’s behavior. Your wife can’t even acknowledge she’s affecting her child negatively. There’s no responsibility wing taken by her for her actions and behavior. Personally I’d separate from my spouse until they got real help and showed real change including accepting responsibility for past bad behavior. As a father your number one job is to protect your child, even if it’s from your spouse that you love deeply. It might be a good idea for you to have your wife leave and get intense therapy to deal with her issues. That way your wife gets help she obviously needs desperately and your daughter is protected from your wife’s emotional abuse.
So, you’re contribution to this was to first criticize your wife for how she handled the situation, then go and console your daughter……reinforcing to her that your wife handled it wrong. And now, you’re looking for a label, I’m guessing so you can go ride your wife’s ass some more?
My man, I think you need to do some serious reevaluation of your role in this issue. I’d argue your contributing to it, not fixing it.
Idk if there’s a name but I had an ex who would do this and it always felt like a manipulation to make them the victim of the situation.
The next time she says “yeah I know, I’m an idiot” I would just say “that’s not an acceptable answer. We’ve talked about this before, do better. “.