I (f23) have been with (m30) for a year and a half now. We live together and have been on multiple holidays. I keep having discussions with him that I don’t get enough sex. He said it’s not because he doesn’t want to and that his ex girlfriend used to say the same thing. :/ Now we’ve moved in I’m lucky I get it once a week only if I initiate it.
Last night, we were in bed cuddling talking about random shit. I started touching and feeling him to initiate it and he didn’t flinch once or reciprocate or tell me no. When I went to touch his private parts it wasn’t even near to ready…so I asked him do you want to do it tonight and he was like it’s a bit late.
I don’t understand what else I can say to him? I feel like a weirdo having given so many signs I want to have sex for him to only say no once I’ve verbalised it. Is there anything else I can do or say because it’s really not enough for me.
15 comments
You have a difference in sex drive. Some people want a lot, some people don’t want much at all. This is something you either need to work out, learn to live with, or find someone more compatible.
sounds like he genuinely does not care about your needs
You’re too young and life is too short for shitty sex.
Get out now.
My sex drive has changed from when I was 23 to when I’m 30, I just be tired now.. maybe have another conversation with him or set aside a day y’all can just focus on each other. Also If this was the other way around and it was a guy making this post people wouldnt be soo quick to tell you to just leave.. you need to communicate with your partner, maybe somethings wrong, maybe they just have a low sex drive and that won’t really change.
This guide, which was partly written for folks dealing with sexual mismatches in a relationships, might be useful for you. Actually, it’d be useful for BOTH of you, if your partner is open to reading it but you can always start on your own: https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Well stress , hard work and hormonal issues can result in the lack of desire. Communication about his day , feeling and stressors in life is important for both of you. Also a man’s testosterone is highest in the morning and they decrease at night . Also if has generally low libido and you have high libido, you can suggest the idea that if he’s not available could you pleasure yourself while lying next to him in bed and see if that would peak his interest.
Now this may be a little different but my wife’s hormonal level dropped to zero because of menopause but after much discussion and her speaking to her BFF , she went and got the hormone pellet and now it’s game in just about anytime 😃 . Even though he’s 30, he may have low T and there’s a treatment also. Good luck . Also read the dead bedroom book
As others have said, you have mismatched libidos.
I would strongly suggest having a better conversation as to why his desire for sex seems “low” to you. This isn’t meant to be an accusatory conversation, but information gathering.
Your example you gave was “last night in bed.” If it was late and I asked my wife for sex before bed, she would laugh right in my face. Because I know before bed sex is completely off the table. Once my wife is ready for bed she is ready for bed. No ifs ands or buts.
This is just an example from my life.
His reasonings might simply be because he doesn’t want to have sex. And, that is something you will have to accept and determine how to deal with. But, he might say he is tired or stressed or xyz needs to happen to get him in the mood. Who knows.
I know what needs to happen and not happen for my wife to be ready and excited for sex.
I am the same way. And she knows mine.
We respect each other’s “requirements” and are pretty darn happy.
You can’t change him. I had to get divorced for this very reason. It’s sad. But some people are not meant to be more than a very good friend. Sex is important.
It seems to be a disparity in your libido. Some will say this is a deal breaker and some will say ‘but I love this person and I can’t imagine it would ruin things…’.
It’s really about what you can accept or not. My partner and I? Luckily we both have the same libido so there’s other things to worry about instead.
It’s harsh but it might be best to leave and find someone more compatible. I don’t feel like a 30yo guy should be content with sex once a week (or even less than that). Does he work out? Good diet? Probably should get his T checked. But all of this requires him to put effort in.
It’s a good chance he has low testosterone. It’s a simple test at the doctor and very common. I have low T and take a shot a couple of times a month… He needs to get it checked. It affects a lot of thing. It will also make you feel tired.
I had the same issue with my previous gf, it’s unlikely to get better and from what I’ve been told, it usually gets worse.
You either learn to live with it or you move on.
Knowing how it made me feel, I’d pick the second option.
He needs to get his T levels checked and maybe if you haven’t then ask about porn use / pre release. I can’t think of any other reason a guy wouldn’t get hard with physical stim. ED maybe but still means he should get checked.
Get him to get some blood work done. Check for testosterone levels. If he is low it can cause this. But be careful…if he starts taking injections to replace it you may not be able to keep up. Lol
Have you tried being playful (ie putting on a sexy item, teasing, etc.), setting the mood in advance, exploring erotic moments at different times (taking a shower together and then moving to the bedroom, etc.)?