How do you deal with a lack of dating/sexual experience in your 30s?

I’m a 33 year old kissless virgin. No, I’m not some horribly ugly, overweight toad or socially incompetent weirdo, I grew up in a very sheltered home with an abusive father (if you’ve ever seen the movie Whiplash, my dad was JK Simmons’ character on steroids). Due to that and some other circumstances (grew up on a small farm in a very rural area where things like religion and family ties are everything to people though they weren’t to my parents) I was pretty socially isolated as well with only a few friends (all guys) who I eventually grew apart from.

Daily survival was my only real focus so dating never happened in high school – I knew I wasn’t capable of having a healthy relationship and that plus a decade plus of suicidal depression and extreme low self-esteem convinced me that dating was something others did, not me. Funny thing was I was (and I think still am) good-looking enough to get some attention from girls in school but I never responded as I did not want to subject anyone to my fucked up life and didn’t think I deserved to be happy (thanks dad!).

College was a horrible experience as well, my mom finally divorced my dad but finances became very difficult for several years and my social isolation and severe depression continued so I just hid in my dorm room for 4 years and focused solely on graduating. I did graduate with good grades but quickly found that all the people who said “get good grades in school and you’ll get a good job!” were dead wrong.

A couple very rough years and a suicide attempt later I finally found a good therapist who helped me rebuild myself and saved my life. As part of my therapy I started getting out to meet people and was lucky enough to find a fantastic group of friends in my late 20s who I still count as the best friends I’ve ever made. Dating, however, never followed along. I knew several women through my friend group though none caught my interest and I did not catch theirs, and though several tried looking out for me no one ever found anyone to set me up with. They always said it was because they didn’t know anyone who they thought would be good enough for me, which while flattering was still frustrating.

I tried online dating for several years on numerous different apps, paid and free, with little success. I got help from several people on my profile (including several women) and even had professional pictures taken but nothing helped and I eventually had enough and swore them off. No matter what I did I almost never got matches and the few I did were mostly from women who were likely just bored or looking for attention and ghosted me as soon as I asked them out for coffee/food whatever. I’ve been on under 10 dates in my life and on a second date once so am rather short on experience.

Now before you say that I must be some undesirable freak or something one of my best friends who is not inexperienced or ugly (and is in fact quite charismatic) has had the same issue with apps as well. Neither of us, nor anyone else, can figure out what the deal is but we’re both done with them as continuing to use them for months on end with no results is just depressing. Neither of us want kids and that’s likely part of the issue but I know there are women out there who don’t either so don’t know what the deal is.

As of today I’m a very different person than I was 10 years ago. I am comfortable with myself have a good job, a nice place to live (and even a nice car which I enjoy), plenty of fun hobbies to occupy me, and recently fulfilled a long-term dream to move to the west coast which I love. I’ve achieved every life goal I’ve set for myself – except for dating. It’s the one nut I can’t seem to crack and though I’ve come to terms with being single and am pretty happy with my life overall I would like to try a relationship even just once to see if it’s something I want. Maybe it turns out I’m good with being single forever but there’s only one way to find out.

I’m not looking on advice on how to meet people as I know how to do that but the one thing I still feel insecure about is my lack of experience. Of course the first thing anyone will say when they hear I’m 33 and never kissed a woman (or even held hands) is “What’s wrong with him?” It’s an understandable response and I’d probably think it myself.

I do not blame any woman for not wanting to deal with someone with no experience at my age as it’s their right, but it’s not something I’ve figured out how to handle. As far as I know there’s nothing majorly wrong with me outside of it but how do you go about explaining that to someone you just met? I will admit that affection, especially of the physical kind, is not something I’m familiar with as my family wasn’t exactly big on it and I don’t really have a good understanding of how a romantic relationship is supposed to work. I’ve talked to many a therapist about it but none seem to really understand or have any useful advice other than “go meet people!” which I already knew.

So after all that context, is there anyone out there in a similar situation to me who has overcome their lack of experience? Any advice is much appreciated.