My partner broke up with me out of no where after 1.5 years. We had an extremely healthy relationship. Never fought, on the same page about house chores, had all the same hobbies, and it felt very natural and compatible to me.
He recently broke it off because he said he thinks what he actually needs is a partner who he can “do nothing” with more. And that he doesn’t value the idea of having a partner to participate in outdoor hobbies with him as much as he thought. When that’s something I value. He also said he feels like he can’t say no to me if he needs a night in, which I explained isn’t true, he just needs to communicate that.
He also said it was a gut feeling it wasn’t right. Even though it feels so right for me.
I agree I don’t value staying at home all the time and it’s not a huge priority to me as I work from home. And I love exploring the world and trying new things.
He goes into work and I know that he may need more alone time and time at home but I feel he has never really communicated how important that was to him.
It seems like he’s throwing such a great relationship away, when in my mind this is something very fixable. We can schedule more alone time and evenings inside etc. he doesn’t see this as something we can work on.
Is this worth fighting for or trying to explain to him that it’s fixable? Is this a larger disconnect than I realize?
TL;DR
My partner broke up with me out of nowhere. Said he needs someone who values hanging out alone more. We have a perfect relationship otherwise.
Is this worth fighting for or trying to explain to him that it’s fixable? Is this a larger disconnect than I realize?
Replying to comments after some reflection:
Talking with him calmly more lately and we’ve both been reflecting. Thinking we never fought he really actually never communicated to me his worries or thoughts, I thought he was cool with how things were going but he never talked with me about his feelings / internal worries.
He also felt like he couldn’t share his podcasts with me etc be used I didn’t find them as funny as he did. But that’s okay I’m not going to be interested in everything he is, but I was totally open and welcome to listening to them with him and I enjoyed them I just didn’t laugh at them as much as he did. But I enjoyed them because I knew they made him happy.
Seems like overall we have our issues and that he can’t communicate and maybe has some understanding to do. This was his first serious relationship.
36 comments
Not fixable unless you want to bend to his life choices
Tbh, I’d let it go. 20s and dating sucks. But that’s because most of us are figuring out what we want. It’s okay to change your mind.
It is not worth it at all. Your emotions are clouding your judgement, making you believe that you’d be okay suppressing some of your key personality traits
Why are you trying to fix a core incompatibility?
Often the “reasons” people give are just excuses to let the other person down gently.
He doesn’t want to be with you. Accept that and move on.
> He also said it was a gut feeling it wasn’t right
This is the real reason. He’s searching for other reasons that feel more “valid” because a lot of people believe that “I’m just not into it” isn’t a good enough reason to end an otherwise unproblematic relationship.
Sadly you can’t decide for someone else what is and isn’t fixable. If he wanted to work through this he’d have brought up these issues so you could discuss them together. Him going straight to breaking up with you means that he isn’t invested enough to continue. He ended the relationship, so for your part you need to accept that and work on healing.
Mostly, your bf is telling you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. If somebody doesn’t want to be with you any longer, it’s usually best to just accept the breakup and start trying to move on. The reasons a partner gives for wanting to break up are usually only part of the story, and the bigger thing they are telling you is that they just don’t want to spend their life with you.
Based on the post. It isn’t fixable. He is telling you literally your incompatible as a couple. While he seems to be fulfilling your expectations as a partner, your not fulfilling his.
Now whether he is being fully truthful or honest about his reasonings, ultimately he just doesn’t see you as his long term partner. While you can explore various means to try and reconcile, yousy need to accept him at his word that the relationship is done.
Changing your values isnt a way to fix a relationship. He definitely isnt great at communicating but he also might not even be self aware enough to identify why he feels the way he does. It may be working for you but he clearly doesnt want things the way they are with you and no amount of appeasing him can force him to feel better when it was something he had to ask for or require from you vs not given naturally.
If I were you, I’d look at it like you cant be the only one fighting for a relationship and if hes willing to break up then that’s your sign to amicably cut your losses too.
If you’ve never fought in all this time, it’s likely there are unspoken issues which have resulted in this coming out of nowhere.
If he says it isn’t fixable, it means he doesn’t want to fix it. Also, don’t go trying to check off someone else’s boxes while ignoring your own. Move on.
You two aren’t compatible and he realized it before you did.
You got broken up with. Move on.
Girl, you got dumped.
Leave him alone, and find someone who appreciates you for you.
Why do you want to diminish your life and interests for this guy? He’s right; you’re not compatible. Let the relationship go and find someone who has some shared interests that you can explore together.
He downplayed how much he doesn’t want to do any of the things you are into because he was trying to keep you happy.
If you truly lived as he in his heart wants to live you would be miserable.
Let him go and put your energy into finding a guy who is thrilled to do all your cool activities with you or introduce you to new ones. Spring and Summer is great for that.
Sis, no. You want to make it work, her very much doesn’t. Fine – his loss. You will find someone that appreciates you and what you bring to the table. That is not him.
He doesn’t think it’s fixable, or he wouldn’t be breaking up with you. He wants to be with someone whose default preferences are closer to his, not someone who he needs to regularly negotiate this stuff with.
This can be a really big disconnect, honestly, and it makes total sense to me as someone more on his side of that divide that it would be a dealbreaker. I’m really sorry, I know breakups suck. But you will find someone who wants to have adventures with you, and he can find someone who wants to nest with him, and you’ll both be much happier in the long run.
>Is this worth fighting for or trying to explain to him that it’s fixable?
No! When someone wants to break up with you, you let them. Maybe his reasons are sincere. Maybe they are a cover for something he doesn’t want to articulate or can’t articulate.
It sounds like he’s made up his mind.
Plus you guys don’t seem compatible. Those things will add up and cause resentment in the end, so it’s best to call it now.
He doesn’t want to fix it.
As others have said, it’s probably just the most easily articulated reason, while the more important reasons can be hard to express (“I just stopped feeling the same way for no reason”) or can come off as mean.
Don’t try to fight for him, and don’t spend too much time analyzing it.
>Never fought
When you say “never fought” what *exactly* do you mean? Do you mean you two never had a serious disagreement, or that you two never yelled at each other or called each other names?
I’m asking because most of the time, “we never argue” really means “one of us is bottling up what they actually want” and that leads to resentment, which seems to be what happened here. He feels like he can’t say no to you. That’s why you never fight, but he’s obviously unhappy.
>It seems like he’s throwing such a great relationship away
He didn’t feel like it was a great relationship.
He’s not breaking up with you because he needs more time in. He’s breaking up with you because he doesn’t feel confident standing up for what he needs in the relationship, and he doesn’t think that’s fixable if he stays with you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Getting blindsided with a breakup is the *worst*. We’ve all been there sis. 😞
Unfortunately, when someone decides to breakup, there really isn’t any way to “fight” to get them back. Once they’ve made up their mind, begging for them back won’t work, and you’ll just feel embarrassed when you look back on it later.
You just have to move forward. Go no-contact immediately, block him on all social media. But some Ben & Jerry’s, binge watch a new show and let yourself be sad for a couple weeks. It’s ok to grieve. Going through a breakup releases chemicals in your brain that feel very similarly to how grief from death feels.
But you’ll need to keep yourself busy after that initial grieving period. Schedule activities every weekend. Make sure you’re getting out of the house. Go hangout with friends, buy a cute new outfit. Plan an overseas trip. Do things to keep your mind off the breakup. And one day, you’ll wake up and be like, “I was sad over *that* guy??”
You don’t need a guy who wants you to dull your flame. You are insanely awesome as you are! I saw your post history and holy crap girl, you are BADASS. Kayaking and bouldering? I wish I was as cool as that!! You’re gonna find your person one day, just keep doing you.
There’s probably other stuff that’s bothering him that he doesn’t feel comfortable bringing up. That’s what the “gut feeling” is.
Sounds like 1.5 years and the initial honeymoon period is gone and that’s when you either become more of a long term relationship or not, in this case.
I don’t think its ‘fixable’ because the issue isn’t really you or what you do, its that he wants to find someone else. Sorry OP
“Never fought”
Oof.. sounds more like “he kept issues to himself”
He’s just not that into you. Whether the reasons are valid or made up is irrelevant, he doesn’t want to be with you. You can’t fix that.
And while it’s very possible he’s emotionally immature and this is only because he’s unable to process some irrational fear, at the end of the day ending a relationship is a unilateral decision that only requires one person’s input.
You’re in your 20s, it’s not worth it. You will heal a whole lot better now than if you kept this up into your 30s (speaking form experience here).
People change a lot in their 20s. This is an instance of that type of change. Also, you’ve learned some valuable lessons here that you can carry into your next relationship.
>trying to explain to him that it’s fixable? I
Sounds like u already did. Keep in mind he might just be looking for a way out n using that as an excuse. Usually when ppl break up theyve had it in their head for awhile & they dont want to try to fix it.
Forget whatever reasons he is saying. If someone wants to leave your life, LET THEM. It might be a shock now, but better he exits now than when you’re married with kids, or 10 years in, etc.
OP, I know this feels terrible, but there is a really important phrase to understand.
“The first time a man tells you he doesn’t want you, believe him.”
Don’t try to negotiate some agreement to stay together. He’s not as invested as you are, and that will put you on weak and weaker footing.
Find someone who cherishes the time they spend with you.
>He also said it was a gut feeling it wasn’t right. Even though it feels so right for me.
Do you know that there are situations when you’re with someone who tick all the box with minor incompatibilities, not really deal breaker, but you don’t see them as “the one” you want to be with for the rest of their lives?
I think this MAYBE one of those situations.
He can see you’re ‘good’ for him, you rarely fight, etc. But maybe in his eyes, he has zero ‘chemistry’ or attraction toward you or ‘want’ to stay permanently with you.
At this point, I think he’s reaching for excuse to break up with you. Because like you just say, you don’t mind hanging back and chilling with him too.
If I were you, I would respect his feeling and decision and let him go.
I really recommend taking the 5 love languages quiz. It’s free. It was super helpful to me to learn what I value in a relationship. My answers honestly surprised me.
It sounds like a lot of your compatibility was doing things together, and also that he wasn’t communicating his needs to you. Sorry you have to go through this, but better to accept and move forward than to try to “fix” it. That can only work if both people want it, and even then it’s rare.
Holy shit everyone, I love Reddit so much. Reading all of these things today and venting to my friends has been MORE then helpful. And I am just feeling very very grateful for everyone of you strangers taking the time to help me out.
I know I’ll be okay, I’m a very strong and resilient person and I have been through much worse in life and turned out happy and okay.
I also found a beautiful new apartment today and that really made me feel good and hopeful
I know I am young and I often forget that, I need to keep drilling that into my head.
He’s such a wonderful man and I have learned so many lessons from him and also have grown immensely since meeting him, so I know not all is lost. And he feels the same.
He has a gut feeling, and that’s valid. Sometimes it doesn’t seem logical to you now, but it will become clear later.
Having to schedule ‘ alone time ‘ and ‘ time inside ‘ would drive me insane. There’s a massive difference between staying home on a night and feeling content and happy with someone just doing absolutely nothing and I think that’s more what he’s trying to get at with this.
If he’s saying he can’t say no to you wanting to go out of an evening I imagine he’s tried before and you’ve tried your hardest to convince him to go out and he’s caved and now just doesn’t bother because he knows what’s coming if he does. It’s ok saying he needs to communicate better but if he has and you’ve pushed a boundary and ignored it then he’s not going to.
You’re not compatible anymore and that’s ok. Take the time you need to hurt and then move on. There’s a lot of people in this big world and you’ll meet someone new that shares your want to never be home just as he will find someone that shares his want to happily laze around the house.