My husband says that I am putting fitness and our children before him and I honestly feel like he can join me or not.
I truly believe that raising my kids is my main priority. I don’t want to raise children that feel unloved or nurtured. My parents didn’t hangout with me or do anything fun with me as a kid… hugs and affection are awkward and I sometimes feel like idk my parents. My husband says the same thing and even gets upset about it when he drinks!
I don’t want my kids to feel that way.
As far as working out – it keeps me sane. My youngest is 11 months old and I gained an extra 35 so with him and am finally back to 135lbs and fit! I’m actually studying to do personal training and nutrition coaching. Being healthy has always been a priority and passion of mine and I finally feel confident and secure enough to dive into what I care about.
My husband never wants to workout with me or he is obviously annoyed if I ask him to go but will get mad if I don’t ask him to go 🤦🏽♀️
He is obviously depressed but won’t seek help. I even offered to share my depression meds with him since I have more than enough. He is always pouting and just not fun to be around. He gets jealous of our youngest and I hate that. I’m just beginning to not be attracted to him based off of his attitude.
I find it extremely annoying that I am finally at a place in life where I am confident and happy and he seems to not like who I am now.
Our sex life has also been affected. We aren’t having sex. I just feel gross now… like nothing about sex sounds good to me.
Idk if it’s time to divorce or what.
42 comments
I am a mom of 2 boys and honestly I felt like your husband in my marriage at one point.
from your post he is depressed but it also sounds like he is expressing a need for you as a partner.
Raising kids is a priority, but you also do not neglect your spouse or marriage either.
You don’t sound like you are really taking in his concerns or asking why? At least from the original post.
It’s understandable you enjoy fitness and should do it, but it may seem like to him that’s all you are doing from your post besides being a mom.
You do sound frustrated and committed to working on yourself which isn’t bad, but I haven’t read anywhere really where you have taken time for your marriage.
Im you may need to sit back and realize you might have been neglecting your spouse, or he wouldn’t have voiced a concern.
It sounds like there may be a miscommunication of priorities, and obviously if he feels like the marriage isn’t important to you he will be upset and not be fun to be around.
My husband used to put our kids first so much, it was like I was just a NPC, not a spouse so explore why.
It’s good to feel confident and in no way am I saying that is bad, but, maybe you see why your spouse feels that way too
Edit:
Omg thank you for the award! I never intended for my comment to resonate with so many but I’m so happy for all of those that can relate, and understand.
Thank you guys 🙏
I hope this helps who ever needs it
Have you tried marriage counseling? Has he always felt this way? Do you initiate any date nights with your husband? I understand being a parent is a priority but also your marriage should he a priority. It can’t all be take it or leave it deal.
That being said your husband is being a bit unreasonable as well.
Who takes care of the baby if he does come with you to the gym? If i may ask?
Congratulations on feeling confident again! You mentioned that you asked your husband to essentially train with you and it sounds like this is not something he enjoys……have you been offering to do ANYTHING that HE enjoys? Is his only option to spend time with you when you are working out? Are you making any time at all for him and your marriage?
It’s understandable wanting to make sure your body and your kids are well loved, especially given your personal experiences. However, it’s also important that you carve out some time for each other. Him being jealous of your youngest sounds to be coming from a place of neglect. Since you mention he has a childhood history (and possible trauma) of this, he might be reverting to those child-like behaviors to cope. It really stinks that he won’t get professional help, but maybe talking through his frustrations could be a positive step? If dedicating that extra time to him/your marriage is too much or you just don’t know where to begin then both individual and couples counseling might help.
My husband divorced his first wife because she only focused on the kids and fitness. Feeling emotionally abandoned is not something anyone has to put up with.
Be thankful he is talking to you about it rather than shutting down. Realize that you do have to put in effort to a marriage or it will fail. It takes two people to stay married, but once he makes up his mind to leave that will be it.
Your response does not sound interested at all in maintaining your marriage, to be honest I don’t even know why I am providing a comment. Just that I’ve seen first hand where the mindset can take a family.
1st priority should be the marriage and your relationship… 2nd is the kids.
Kids should see what a loving, united front looks like. That’s gives them more security than a fractured home ever could.
Just my opinion:
I had a crappy childhood and promised myself my children would never feel any of the harm I felt, and they would grow up, be able to speak to me and our family would grow and prosper.
I kept my promise. They were my number one always ….
I made mistakes. I spoiled them so much that when they got on their own, they didn’t know how to do a tub of clothes or wash a dish. I did all. Anything they needed or wanted, I made sure they got it. They have no gumption to work towards anything.
Meanwhile, my husband was second place. I didn’t take good enough care of myself, like didn’t get enough sleep or food and wound up with health problems. I ignored his desires and felt it was normal and praised myself for running the home so well. Our time would come later …
After 26 years, he left me.
My kids look down upon me as old fashioned and not knowing anything.
Don’t put your kids through the rough youth you had, but teach them and allow them to learn and grow in all areas, sometimes on their own.
And don’t sacrifice your spouse because of the hurts of the past and put him second thinking the kids will grow fast. For me, it made me lose time, overwork, miss out on a lot, neglect myself and cause health problems.
No offense meant. Just balance things, and in some manners, let the spouse come first.
Just thoughts from my experiences.
You know when they grow up and leave, you will be just with a husband you neglected. Date nights are important and you need to put marriage first. A strong marriage is a HUGE gift. Divorce can be so tough and you may regret not giving him some
Attention. This makes me sad
Based from what i read you come off very arrogant and uncaring towards your husband. It seems more like you been ready to leave this relationship way before you thought to include him in fitness and everything else. You just want him to be on board with what you want and not what it a compromise for him. Or see what he wants. If you want to divorce him just say it, dont blame his depression and make all sort of excuses about it. Also im a gym trainer. My main clients are women thinking of or going through a divorce. Your talking points seem very familiar how they tAlk. Before they divorce their husband they work out and get fit to be prepared for the dating field. Then they announce their divorce and leave. Just take accountability for your faults and divorce him. The marriage failing is both of yall faults
I’m sure I may get down voted on this perspective/opinion.
Order of priority…self(what you need to be able to give to others), husband, children. You are models for your childrens future spouses and marital dynamics. By putting your marriage before the children is putting your childrens future happiness first (which I believe is what you ultimately want) However, putting the children before your marriage is ultimately selfish in that it doesnt provide a positive model, it breeds resentment from your partner, and at it’s core about soothing your childhood issues.
When was the last time you had a date or an afternoon where you did something together that focused on both of you?
“I even offered to share my depression meds with him since I have more than enough.”
Um… what????
I hope you’re joking.
When he asked you to prioritize the relationship more, what sort of things does he mention?
If he has depression & isn’t addressing it that’s certainly a problem. Perhaps you can commit to some of what he’s asking for (I’m guessing time is part of it) if he will take steps to address his depression.
Based on your comment replies:
Does he clean, cook, or maintain things around the house? Does he do things for/with the kids regularly like you do? If not, he needs to take into consideration that that’s also part of marriage– being a team.
Please PLEASE do not *share* prescription mental health medicine with ANYONE EVER. This is so unsafe.
One thing that spoke to me shortly before our first was born is that your kids will grow up and leave, build their own lives apart from yours but your husband in theory will always be by your side. So while kids are important, your spouse should always be a higher priority.
Obviously this not mean neglect your kids in favor of your spouse and when they’re little they do require quite a bit off attention and energy but from your post and you addittude, I could very much see why your husband feels that way.
Time for a counselor.
People, not unlike dogs in this small way, need strokes and need to be taken for a walk. Sometimes that walk becomes more important than it needs to be because the need has grown stronger through time.
If you can’t get to the attention that they ask for, at least acknowledge that their needs that are important. If you trivialize their needs and make your needs more important, than that’s just not doing the right thing.
You are either going to try to love him or you are going to do what you need to do to protect yourself. “Love” is a verb. Love is work if you want to make it all the way.
Two small kids will challenge this side of your relationship. This is the time couples need to recalibrate and get to work!
(Anecdote after 20+ years: I’m still “loving” but not sure if I would have been happy if she were to have just left because I look back and my needs were ignored through the years. Sex has always been important to me, but not to her. It hurts a shit ton now in retrospect empty nest and years of sacrifice, fidelity and loneliness. So, now I’m wondering if I could have found a more giving and compassionate lover.)
Your other posts show that you haven’t been happy in a while, you don’t like how your husband interacts with your youngest, you’re living with his parents, and you’re just tired of it all.
This post sounds as if you just don’t give a crap whether you stay married or not. It feels like now that you have your two kids, you don’t want to be married anymore
Read your comments about date night and honestly you sound like they’re a chore or something on your checklist, if you’re not excited for them he’s going to feel this too. You make it sound like you’ve checked off all the actionable boxes except sex (because he ain’t sexy anymore) therefore this is his issue. Very much sounds like you don’t care about him or be around him in the least.
You need to prioritize your husband the same way you do your kids & fitness – that’s all he’s asking. Long after your kids are gone, it will only be the 2 of you left. It’s important to invest in that time together now as well. If you keep having the same attitude about it, you will end up in divorce.
Are you me? Except I don’t have kids. I feel like I’m getting close to doing what I’m supposed to and I’m passionate and growing and my husband just told me that he feels like I don’t consider him and he feels like he doesn’t have a “partner”.
But for me, working on myself is a part of partnership as I want to build myself for us and our future. Idk if you feel similar as raising your children is of high importance and you might connect that to your family unit. Reading your post helps me look at myself so thank you. It’s hard to feel like you’re doing what you feel is right but have someone you love tell you it isn’t, and it’s confusing (at least for me).
Putting fitness and kids first would save my marriage
Give your spouse a chance if you believe the marriage is worth fighting for. In what ways do you take time to spend working on your marriage?
Sometimes it can be tough making time for each other.
I’ve replied to a couple comments already but I really want to say that encouraging a woman who had a baby less than a year ago and struggles with depression that she needs to work harder to make her husband feel loved and needed is sick.
OP, I looked at your post history to get a better idea of what your relationship is like. Your husband is AWFUL. He has neglected an innocent baby to the point where he has fallen from surfaces numerous times, looks at him with digust when he’s hurt or needing to be nurtured, insulted and belittled him, and has obviously scared your mother by making the baby scream by doing god knows what to him when you aren’t home.
You’re doing more than enough. This man is not. I say this as someone who has suffered from lifelong depression, your mental health comes before anyone else’s needs. You can’t be a good mother if you don’t take care of yourself, and your children need you. Get away from this person and show them that happy, healthy families don’t always include two parents.
Your kids are with you for 20 years. Your spouse (may) be with you for life.
I remember someone mentioning that one of the best things you can do for your kids is to show them how you love your spouse. They will model whatever they see, consciously or otherwise.
My old college professor posed this question on the first day of class in the early 90s, ‘who comes first, your spouse or kids?’ Most of the class said your kids. He said your all wrong. I posed same question to my wife when our kids were about 9 and 8, and she said kids. And the female marriage counselor told her she was wrong. Without nurturing the marriage, your spouse first, the basis and foundation of the family will develop cracks and will eventually crumble and implode. My professor was right, I filed for divorce from my wife after 18 years. Being neglected, unappreciated, and sexually rejected will send anyone into a deep dark place. I get grief here, but sex is a requirement of marriage. Go ahead and don’t do it, and enjoy your roommate life and ultimate forthcoming divorce. Chris Rock says it best, all married people need to do is travel and have sex. Go places and be intimate. You should be ‘coming and going’. Showing your kids true affection for your spouse and ultimately your family is the best parenting that can be done. Think long term because you neglecting their father will effect them sooner than later.
The foundation for your kids and you two is your marriage. Marriage is #1. Then kids…then other stuff. Too many people mix that up and it becomes a real problem. Marriage is the foundation.
I just left my husband a few months ago for a similar situation. I am very very happy. It takes two.
Ask him to explain how he feels like less of a priority. Does he want more dates? More sex? What is it that he wants?
Also don’t share your medications with others. It’s a huge hazard.
My wife had started to gain weight that she wasn’t happy with, so she started going to the gym… I started going with her so that we could spend time together… now its been several years and it was one of the best decisions that I could have made to strengthen our relationship/marriage.
I think a lot of people, but especially men, have a hard time adjusting to the attention that kids take away from them. I know my husband did. It’s normal to feel less sexual post partum, and it’s normal for those things to take time to come back, and be different when they do. We both do agree though that for the first 5 years of our kids’ lives, ours just kind of have to take a backseat. It’s such a short season in life and such an important one for them, we’re okay with doing that.
IMO, he needs to:
1. Be more specific about what he wants and expects if it’s something he wants to work on.
2. Deal with his depression.
3. Be reminded that he is responsible for his happiness. Another person cannot be responsible for making sure you are happy and fulfilled at all times; that’s not the point of marriage. I find happiness in my relationship and my children, sure, but they aren’t responsible for making me happy and making sure I am happy.
The most important relationship in a family is the husband and wife. If you all are not on the same page it will trickle down to the kids in a negative manor. It is important for you and your husband to tackle this head on before it gets out of control. While you may feel what you are doing is fine he doesn’t and it is important for you to address it and coke up with a plan to find the happy median
You dedicate time to your children and to your fitness, you should be dedicating a similar amount of time to your husband.
Yes, he definitely SHOULD be bonding with your children as you are. He doesn’t have to join you at the gym. That can be his time one-on-one (or more with the kids). He can pursue his hobbies when you’re doing the one-on-whatever with the kids. And of course there should be regular whole family trips to wherever (museums, sports events, shows, etc).
But, first and foremost, you have to find a few hours a week to date your husband, even if that means taking a bit of time away from the kids and the gym.
I am going to ask you a question first.
Of your parents, children & friends who has promised until death do us part?
Once you let that sink in. You are selfish & self centered. If you want to set an example for your children set one where you and your husband take care of yourselves so you can show up within your marriage your best version of you for each other.
Your marriage should be #1 priority bar none. Your parents are your parents and yes they will need you more as they age but the will die. Your children need you most as they are young. The example you set BY YOUR ACTIONS WITHIN THE MARRIAGE are how they will learn how to be a good partner and what a good partner does to love honor and cherish their partner.
You are teaching by your actions just how to:
1) Ignore your partners needs and wants.
2) their future partner’s needs and wants don’t matter as much as their individual wants (note not needs here)
3) it is fine to neglect your marriage, the family, for your own self-centered wants.
Wake up before it’s too late.
I would guess based upon my own experience you husband and children are feeling neglected, devalued, worthless, undeserving of life be and attention.
I am speaking from experience here. I was married to a woman like you for 40 years, 30 of which were miserable. I stayed to show by my actions that there was a better way to be than their Mom.
The resentment, anger and finally indifference became too much after getting my kids through some very rough and traumatic times. She like you is so self focused, self-centered and childishly selfish that she was shocked when I told her we were getting divorced. More surprising was that she asked to go to marriage counseling and she could change.
My answer was the time for that was 30 years ago. I stayed this long in spite of you, not because of you!
You are setting up the end of your marriage, have neglected and yes emotionally abused by word and action your husband and children by your hand.
This post has about a million issues scattered all over the place.
– Your husband is depressed. Can you communicate that you’re worried about his mental health? When you do that what is his reaction?
– Kids don’t need constant interaction but they do need constant supervision when young. Does he feel burdened with child care needs because of your workout schedule? Does he work? Do you?
– With regards to your sex life why does it feel gross? Are you not attracted to him? Or are you just not interested in sex? With 2 young kids this is not at all surprising.
– My parents weren’t affectionate or involved either. I am extremely affectionate but try to not be in their face all the time as well. Helicoptering is not parenting so I think you’re ok with your mentality there.
I’m going to play the devil’s advocate for a second here – I am the child of a very loving and healthy marriage. My parents farmed and ran a business together, they have always had a healthy social life and a good group of friends (and us kids were all very good friends growing up as well!)
My mom and dad did not keep it a secret that their marriage was #1. We were spoiled rotten and well loved but they ALWAYS ‘dated’. And honestly, they are amazing role models because of it.
My brother and I are both happily married and I know for a fact we communicate with our spouses differently because we saw how strong our parents were together. We ‘check in’ with our spouses (yearly, quarterly, even weekly over different topics) because that’s what we were raised with. I saw my parents discuss topics that were maybe out of my depth as a child but it prepared me for situations as an adult (I dealt with my justNO MIL because I saw my mom handle my grandmother – we now have an amazing relationship!)
You have the chance here to show your kids what marriage is. I hate when people say ‘the kids come first’ because that’s bullshit. It’s a balancing act. Sometimes you will need to prioritize self care (for you exercise) and sometimes it’s the kids, BUT you are the only wife this guy might have, so ACT LIKE IT. Go to therapy or do something.
One thing that helps my guy and I when we are in a ‘slump’ (yes, those happen to everyone) is going for a walk together. 10 minutes first thing in the morning or right before bed. Just the two of you, and hold hands. Good luck!
Honestly if you don’t love him anymore or if he’s bringing you down then it’s time to divorce. Just know the kids might need their father in the future.
I’m saying this because my dad did the same thing to my mom, he was so jealous of me and my siblings, he did not like when my mom did anything for her personal growth he was just a toxic person overall, even though he was so nice and sweet when him and my mom first met he revealed his true colors once my mom started giving us more attention than him. My mom waited for a while before she got a divorce but it was the best thing she ever did for herself and us, yes i was raised by a single parent but I’m perfectly healthy and a lot happier than I would’ve been without the divorce as my dad’s toxicity was affecting everyone in the family.
Another thing is the fitness point that you made, if he doesn’t like to see confident, beautiful and successful then he doesn’t love you period.
One thing I wanna know, when you were not feeling great, was your husband there for you? Was he hurting for your pain like you are for his? If the answer is no then don’t waste your time. If it’s yes, you can be there for him without sacrificing the progress that you made, you can even be there for him as a friend after you get a divorce.
If I was OP husband I would be gone faster than she typed this post. I honestly cant wrap my head around how some people are in relationships.
I will say that I was naive enough to feel similar things early on. I was only 19-20 then. The truth is your partner needs to be a priority or it wont work. I guess thats why I have been married to my best friend for 20 years and it just keeps getting better. Also, me and my kids still have amazing relationships into adulthood. Both are possible if you put in the work
An outside suggestion of maybe it’s time for a bit of marriage counseling.
It appears that there’s a lot of important stuff that’s not being talked about on both sides.
A quick story. My best friend from college married my wive’s little sister. They were so in love.
They had two kids, they are 23 and 21 respectively now. The 23 year old boy still lives at home. My sister in law has put more and more time into the 23 year old son and less and less and less into the marriage.
They have gone to family therapy and he has expressed that. Sister in law acknowledges it but hasn’t changed.
I’m the “picture guy” at all the holiday events. I’ve looked back at other family events and this Christmas was the first time in forever I saw the two of them laughing together and in close proximity to each other.
Unfortunately, I can see the light dying for his marriage a little more each time we have a family event.
I bet in two years when their youngest graduates college my sister in law will get hit will divorce papers and be “shocked”.
I guess what I’m saying is kids are important and so is your marriage.
Please try therapy and find a way to effectively communicate on both sides (not saying this is all on you).
Good luck and please keep us updated.
Your depression meds are likely having an effect on your libido. It’s very common. Please understand that loving yourself and taking care of yourself is beautiful and important but so is being a wife and mother and you can and should try to find a balance. Your partner needs more of you. Listen to him and try to figure out how you can both be happy. Also listen to him about the children. It’s super important. Maybe you would benefit from therapy in addition to meds and see if there are ways you can learn to be more expressive.
OK…..I just read your post history. You can ignore everything I posted, something is seriously wrong. His behavior would be a huge red flag for me, so heartbreaking your son! 💔💔 All of this goes way beyond the gym etc.
First, DO NOT share your depression meds. They can interact with other stuff he is on and he needs medical supervision if he is going to take them.
Second, you cannot pour from an empty glass. It is perfectly acceptable to expect to have an hour to do an activity like working out that is good for you mentally and physically.
Third, it’s fucking weird for your husband to be jealous of your child. So weird I feel like maybe I misunderstood. If I didn’t, he needs to work on that with a therapist. It is his right to refuse treatment for his depression, but it’s not ok for him to be jealous of or resent your children.
I have 2 young kids, and I definitely understand prioritizing them and not wanting to miss a moment with them. I also definitely understand trying to reclaim your body and health after pregnancies. I do think modeling a healthy relationship for your children is ideal. I suggest you have a deep discussion with your husband about his needs and try to compromise in this area before jumping to divorce. Would you guys be able to hire a babysitter and go on a biweekly date night or something?
I feel that both partners should put their partners first. It’s not that the kids come second.. the kids benefit from both of you being happy. Happy parents = happy kids (usually!).