I (33F) chose to break up with my partner (38M) about 7 weeks ago. I’m struggling to come to terms with my decision but at the same time, I don’t know if this is the person I can imagine my life with.
We started dating Jan 2022, things were amazing and we decided that he would move in to my place in August. He was already spending a lot of his time at mine anyway, and he officially moved all of his things from his flat in early November.
Just over 2 months later, I started getting doubts about our future together. He’s a lovely guy, the most wonderful and caring person, but I felt at times anxious because of his anger issues. They were in no way directed at me but listening to him rage over video games, misplacing his things and general stressing out over little things was having an negative effect on whether this person was someone I wanted to spend my life with – would the anger get worse? And it felt like there was something missing – we had chemistry for sure but I found it hard to have a really good laugh with him and chat nonsense.
I’m doubting myself so much, I wondering if I could have done more to support him in his anger instead of leaving him to it. He’d been pulled up a number of times for his behaviour last year including walking out of a meeting, having tense arguments with colleagues and being told to not swear. On the flip side though, he was so good to me, always made me feel loved and supported me last year when I had a number of diagnosis’s (which I know for a fact added to my stress).
I can’t seem to make peace with my decision, I’m not sleeping or eating properly, he’s on my mind pretty much all day. What should I do? Do you think I made the right call?
TL;DR: I called off a relationship after realising I couldn’t feel comfortable seeing us with a future together. He was a wonderful man but he had anger issues that I wished I worked through with him. Was I so wrong to end it?
4 comments
You did the right thing.
Even if it wasn’t ever aimed at you before, there would probably come a time that he will direct it at you. You wouldn’t be special for long. After a couple of years, when you’re past the honeymoon phase and you tick him off, the flip will switch.
On top of the fact that you didn’t feel the right connection, you’re totally right.
You weren’t wrong to end it. You saw an obvious red flag, and – unlike MANY people who post in this sub – you heeded it. He hasn’t directed his anger at you – YET. But someone who is so lacking in self-control that he rages at gaming partners and gets into trouble at work will almost certainly end up venting his anger on his loved ones eventually. That would include you, plus any kids you might have in the future.
It was never in your power, nor in your field of expertise, to “work through” his anger issues with him. When he is finally willing to admit he has an anger management problem, he can see a professional and get help for it. Until then, you would just be offering yourself up as a convenient future verbal and/or physical punching bag, for those times when he started feeling especially angry and you happened to be his closest target.
It’s natural to feel horrible for a while after a breakup, especially if you left the relationship with more good memories than bad. No one is 100 percent rotten, and of course you are going to miss the positive aspects of his personality – if you didn’t, it would mean you never cared at all for him. But trust me, your heart will heal in time, and you’ll soon feel ready to date again. Lean on close family and friends for emotional support in the meantime – that’s what they are there for.
Was there someone in your family like this?
I think it’s very possible that you were a conditioned since childhood to accept and to try to nurture and help and baby this type of person.
He did have a ton of issues and it looks like he is on his last legs with his job. If he lost his job while staying with you, it may be that he tries to continue living with you without getting another job and becomes your pet couch potato and dependent. This is a whole new level of nightmare.
It sounds like he really doesn’t have his own situation figured out so I think that you did a very mature thing, a hard thing, but a good and healthy thing for yourself.
I also wanted to mention that the only help that exists for people who like this is for them to go to counseling and therapy. As you are not a therapist, you are not capable of providing the help and assistance that this person needs to get better and improve their life. No offense. But hopefully this shows you how you are not at fault and how these feelings of needing to help are misplaced and how you can let go now.
It sounds like you never raised the issue with him and gave him a chance to change. Maybe that’s why? Most people can’t or don’t, but it’s good practice to raise the issue – maybe it would have been the push he needed to get anger counselling and it wouldn’t have been an issue anymore. However given his issues with work, that’s unlikely… he does sound unpleasant.