*I may not be able to respond timely. Thank you for any suggestions in advance.
My (f40) partner (m44) freaks out on me whenever family or friends ask me for my time. This didn’t start until about 3 years into our relationship. We’ve been together 4 1/2.
His behavior is becoming increasingly more unreasonable.
He insisted the other night that I should acknowledge and THANK him for allowing me to go to a relative’s home last weekend, without yelling at me, for a family get-together.
My sibling called the other night and asked if I would be willing to babysit and it has been three days of hell since, just because i was ASKED, I didnt even go.
He is very worried about “looking like the asshole” and is sure to continuously remind me that I am to keep our arguments between us.
I don’t know what to do. I went from happy, healthy, financially free, to being on complete disability, (CPTSD) partly due to things that have happened in our relationship, and now I am completely dependent on him.
My disability prevents me from functioning normally, and often, I am dissociated and left with vertigo-like symptoms. I have no life and am always home.
Admittedly, I am not able to give him the attention and focus I once was, but now I don’t even want to!
He is constantly having meltdowns. If he brings up sex in a text message at any point throughout the day and we don’t engage when we go to bed he flips out.
I have a struggling teenager to take care of whose father has passed, and financially, I make nothing livable. I’m kicking myself here. I feel I’ve made such a huge mistake. How could I be so blind?
He told my child’s 11 year old sibling to fuck off when he innocently made a comment that I should stay up and take some time to myself rather than go to bed early on a Fri night.
I try to reason with him, and all he tells me is that I need to fulfill his needs in our relationship before I can be off giving my energy to others. He literally gave me a list of like 30 things I should be doing to acknowledge/praise him and make him feel valued. He got pissed the NEXT DAY that I didn’t refer to the list when he felt it was appropriate.
All of my love and feelings have died out and I am really feeling like I despise him.
I have tried to leave in the past. He stalked me. I actually had to call 911 because he chased me in a car after waiting outside my therapist office.
He will literally yell at me for hours and then like a flip of the switch start running his hands through my hair saying he just wants me healthy and happy again.
It makes me feel crazy.
Although he has never physically harmed me, I do worry what he might do in a state of panic.
He took and hid my firearm claiming it was for my own safety.
He doesn’t hang out with friends or have hobbies. I am his sole “go-to” for fulfillment.
I’m scared. I have no where to go and no way to leave.
If I was a normal, healthy, working person this wouldn’t be quite so difficult. I have to believe there’s a way out. Perhaps someone out here has been through this?
**edited for spelling
TLDR; My boyfriend argues that until he feels his needs are met in our relationship that I cannot visit friends or family.
27 comments
You are subjecting yourself, and your children, to an abusive monster. If you have anywhere safe to go, friends or family, you need to leave, ASAP. Seriously.
Love, you know the answer already. You’re here asking for confirmation because that kind of behavior is abuse and tends to make you start questioning yourself and your intuition over time. Trust your instincts. This is incredibly unhealthy and you mentioned it’s been getting worse, unfortunately that’s not going to change.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope that you are able to get out safely and that you are able to move on without looking back. You definitely deserve better.
I don’t know what country you’re in but if you’re in the United States there are programs to help domestic violence victims, I’m sure there are similar programs in other countries as well. Make sure you have a plan to get out do not let him know that you’re leaving and stay safe.
It won’t be easy but it’s worth it. There’s no happy ending with someone like him.
You are in a very dangerous escalating abusive relationship, and I would be taking dramatic steps to get yourself and your child out of there. I would try calling a domestic abuse hotline to try and get some guidance from a professional, and I would keep looking for resources like you are here.
Please get in touch with a women’s shelter. They are there for exactly this reason and will help you navigate this while keeping your and your children safe.
> I’m scared. I have no where to go and no way to leave
If you are in North America call 211 to find resources to help. You do have options, you just need to use them. You at have to swallow some pride and ask for help or admit you made a mistake which is hard but not impossible. Or, be content with ruining your child’s life.
He doesn’t want you telling people anything because HE is the asshole and knows it. He’s an abuser who will continue to abuse and escalate until you leave and cut him out of your lives. Is this really how you want to be treated? How you want your children to be treated?
Do what you have to do to get but get out.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. This is 10000% abuse and if there is anyplace you can go that is away from him, you need to go immediately and never look back. I promise you that he will only get worse and however he’s acting now just shows that his facade is slipping. There is a way out and it isn’t easy but please rely on family and friends through this. I guarantee when you leave he will try to get you back and will likely become the “nice” guy that he was when you were first dating. Do NOT fall for it.
This is abuse of you and your child. Find help and get out.
Oh my god. The title alone was chilling.
He has control issues and you should have put him in his place when it first happened. you need to step up and not be his dog
Cant you shoot him in “self Defense”? It’s America and all you lot have guns and do this kinda thing all the time.
This is the biggest red flag I’ve seen on Reddit in a long time.
Once he finishes isolation you from all your friends and fami,y, and no longer have anyone you can turn to for for help, he will ramp things up even worse.
“Better girlfriend” = “my servant and I’ll beat you if you step out of line”
Your title made me think the worst, and reading the thread it got worse as I went along.
Run like hell. This is not at all acceptable.
I read the first sentence and I knew it was about to be a real rough read. Yes he’s insanely abusive and the fact that you know he has your gun is incredibly worrying. This man has the potential to kill you. You need to contact a domestic violence hotline immediately, and I would probably get the cops involved to try and get your gun back. Good luck OP, get outta there ASAP.
Ummmmm this is straight up abuse.
You have family. They will let you stay if you tell them the situation. You can’t stay with this guy even though the alternative seems difficult. Don’t dig yourself further into this hole.
He should worry less about looking like the asshole and more about the fact that he is BEING AN ABUSIVE ASSHOLE
You need to get out today. This man has a GUN? He will shoot you and your children, period. You have to leave TODAY. You are not safe in this home.
Pack up your children and get the fuck out of there and never look back.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Know this:
– you are NOT crazy
– you are being abused
– he is an abusive Ahole
– there is help out there and people to support you to leave this Ahole
– what happened to you is NOT your fault
Your sibling, parents, any friends you have left, you have to tell them EVERYTHING. Don’t hold anything back. Likely they already know you’re being abused. Don’t tell your Ahole bf anything about any revelations you had. Make a plan to escape to safety. Don’t say anything to anyone. Escape and leave his ass in the dust. File a restraining order and tell him to leave you and your kids the F alone.
RUN! These are all the signs pointing to relationship violence: isolation, gaslighting, manipulation. It sounds like he is escalating too.
It makes you feel crazy because it’s abuse, and when stop feeling crazy you can realize that you are being abused. Call the domestic abuse hotline for your location. Calling doesn’t mean you’re leaving today, tonight, or tomorrow. What you are doing is reaching out for help to get out of abusive situation. You can hang up on them if it gets too much and call back when you’re ready. They can help you make a plan so you can figure out what you want to do and when, they can also help connect you with resources in your location. From your comments it sounds like you have a lot going on, they can help you will all of that, you just need call.
Can u stay with anyone else?
>now I am completely dependent on him.
Good chance he did this on purpose.
>start until about 3 years into our relationship.
Thats about when I saw the real version of my ex husband.
>fulfill his needs in our relationship before I can
Nope, both needs should be filled.
>is very worried about “looking like the asshole”
Then tell him not to be one
> He stalked me
Restraining order. Then if he does, hes arrested.
>It makes me feel crazy.
Hes the crazy one.
>took and hid my firearm claiming it was for my own safety.
If u dont know where it is, report that to police.
>am his sole “go-to” for fulfillment
Not healthy.
>no way to leave.
Have u talked to a womens shelter/social worker?
Emotional Abuse. Leave Now. Leave Now. Leave Now.
Please seek help for being in an abusive relationship
You are in an abusive relationship.
Reach out to your family, if they are good people. Or just generally reach out to someone good in your life. Tell them you’ve realized you are in an abusive situation. Ask them if they know anyone who could help you get a job. Ask them if they can help you move out of this man’s house. Ask them if they can be there with you when you end it with him, so that he can’t violently try to control the situation, so that he has to accept it’s over.
Maybe your child can stay with relatives for the summer break while you get your life in a different spot.
I’m sorry but you are going to have to work pretty hard for a while to support yourself.
It’s worth it to get your child away from this man.
This is a controlling and abusive relationship, you need to leave before it gets anymore toxic and I can tell you the more arguments and toxic behaviour that you sit through, the worse it will become because he realises he has the power and has no consequences.
Get out now, if you feel like you will be in a worse position without him imagine how worse it can get staying with him… Then imagine how alone you will be after the alienation from your friends and family for however long you put up with the abuse. It’s a tactic so you will never leave, so all you will ever have is him.
He is escalating his abuse, what you need to do is play along with all his bs- “yes sir no sir” him without being obvious (or putting yourself in harm) and then just dip tf out as soon as you can.
>He is very worried about “looking like the asshole”
Bit late for that.
You clearly need to leave him for your own happiness and that of your child.
The question is how. I think the best place to start is a women’s shelter. Can you contact one and ask them about possible resources? They may be able to help you get set up with resources, disability payments and subsidised housing. At the very least they can help you form a plan to leave safely, and you can hopefully stay with them when you do. Try and contact them in a way that he can’t find out about – it wouldn’t surprise me if he secretly monitors your calls. Can you visit a refuge without him knowing, or ask a trusted friend or family member get in touch with them for you and gather information for you?